Fag Hags

Real Sunlight Isn’t Slippery Enough

Queer: So, I freaked out earlier this morning. I went to the bathroom to take a piss, whipped it out, and my dick was brown!
Fag hag, horrified: Did you not clean yourself good after anal?
Queer: No, no, I always do! But, like, I’m thinking I have an STD or something! My heart almost stopped!
Fag hag: So… Do you?
Queer: Well, no. Then I looked at my hand and it was brown, too. Then I remembered — last night I masturbated with my sister’s self tanner.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: trying to get the mental image out of my head

Still Less Embarrassing than Sublimating Her Need for a Boyfriend into a Guy Who Likes Dick

Queer: … And he had a huge dick.
Mortified fag hag covering her face: You can’t say that in public! People can hear you!
Queer: Yeah, we didn’t actually hook up. I just wanted to embarrass you.

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: someone at the next table

My Anti-Drug? Being a Retard

Girl #1: For our next trip, my parents want to go on a cruise to Alaska.
Girl #2: Oh my god, no! Haven’t you seen the Titanic?
Girl #1: I know, right? Plus, it’s cold. I mean look at March of the Penguins. They die there.

–F train

Queer: So some stranger just approached me and asked me to fuck her and her husband on Staten Island…Wait, it was Ellis Island. Yeah, she wanted me to fuck with the Statue of Liberty.
Hag: Oh, that’s too bad. Staten Island is nice.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Tina L.

Don’t Even Ask about the Spread

Queer: Do you know who’s playing in the Super Bowl?
Fag hag: Beyoncé, Prince… And someone else I don’t remember…

–The Loews, Lincoln Square

Wednesday Gettin'-None Liners

Man screaming into phone: We've been having fun and fun and fun. The thing we ain't having is fucking sex!

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: LisaLisa

Psych prof: Now, I don't know anyone who's ever died from not having sex. Maybe they tried to get some and failed in some horrible way that led to their demise, but I don't know anyone who's actually died from not having sex. (later) If you go on a starvation diet, which I don't recommend, be sure to drink water because, uh, you will die.

–Barnard College

Overheard by: High Aspirations

Guy to friend: He's fucking 57 years old and he's still a fucking virgin.

–W Broadway & Thomas

Gay man to straight female friend: I haven't had sex in almost two years… I need to get a dog.

–G Train

Overheard by: Sunny

“Row, Row, Row Your Boner…”

Small white chick: I'm so horny. All I can think is, “penis penis penis penis.”
Large black gay friend: I know how you feel. That's me, constantly.
Small white chick: Well, it's also me. So I guess we're in the same boat. The same penis-shaped boat.
Large black gay friend: Big, hard, black penis-shaped boat.
Small white chick: That's us. We're in that boat.
Large black gay friend: Is it a motorboat?!
Small white chick: Yes! Of course!
Large black gay friend: Yay!
Small white chick: It is a penis-boat, after all.
Large black gay friend: We're soooo horny… It's kinda gross.

–23rd St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Penisboat

Alcoholism: The Universal Language.

Gay guy: Day drinking today was so good.
Female friend: Yeah, I love day drinking.
Gay guy: I want to make day drinking into a job.
Passerby, walking the opposite way: Hey, me too!
(all high five, then proceed onwards)

–14th St & Ave A

If Will & Grace Had Been a Cable Show.

Pretty, straight girl: Ohmigod, this is delicious! Try it!
Gay guy at bar: Ohmigod, I hope I don't give you herpes!
Pretty, straight girl: I'll be so mad if you give me herpes.

–Alta Restaurant

Aww, Thank You!

Pretty girl: My boyfriend thinks it's cool that I have so many gay guy friends, because they are guys who want to talk to me regardless of if I'm pretty or not.
Gay guy: Honey, we only talk to you because you're pretty.

–42nd & 7th

Some Countries Blame the Juice for Everything

Tall, gay, black guy: Girl, I learned a lot watching that movie. There's a lot of sexism in Sweden.
White female friend: Who knew? You'd think they'd be more advanced.
Tall, gay, black guy: And apparently, they have a lot of anti-semenism too.

–Film Forum

Overheard by: Peter K.

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