Girl selling at bake sale #1: This is so stupid. No one wants anything.
Security guard: That's cause you're doin' it all wrong.
Girl selling at bake sale #2: Oh yeah? What should we do?
Security guard: Next person that passes, be like “Yo! I got your brownie!” then when they come over, give it to them and be like “Aight, that's two dollars.”
–Manhattan College, The Bronx
Customer to employee: Excuse me, are these zucchini?
Employee: No, they're pickles.
Customer: Are you sure? They look like zucchini!
Employee: Yes, they're pickles.
Customer: Oh. (pause) Do they taste like zucchini?
Employee, after long pause: Yes. Yeah…pickles tastes like zucchini.
–Balducci's Restaurant
Thin 20-something: Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Heavier friend: Unless you melt some mozzarella on it!
–BBQ, The Bronx
Dark-haired coed: So, oh my gosh! Wait! How big was it?
Blonde coed: Uhhh, yeah, oh…he was actually pretty small. Like, I only felt it, but…
Dark-haired coed: Oh my gosh! So, like, how small was it? Like a tootsie roll, or a cat's tail, or…
Blonde coed: Umm…I guess it could've been…maybe a tiny bit thicker than a cat tail. But, really, it was so so small and thin.
–FIT
20-something female on cell: But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
–23rd St & 5th Ave
Customer, after placing order: …with hardboiled eggs.
Gay waiter: Hardboiled eggs smell like dirty assholes, an I've seen a few dirty assholes.
–Denny's
Overheard by: student-19
Preppy guy on cell: No, dude! I don't know, like…like really dirty girls.
–86th & Lexington
Overheard by: Anne
12-year-old boy to mother: The bum, you know! The dirty man that plays with me.
–Forest Parkway
Overheard by: Jason A
Guy dancing on new lawn: This isn't even good grass! It's dirty, yo!
–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Julliard student #1: And served it with the brains and everything…a whole chicken.
Julliard student #2: That's disgusting.
Julliard student #1: Yeah, it was sweet.
–Lincoln Center
Tween kid: Dude, my mom wants to buy a fucking cow, and she's gonna put it on our apartment roof. (laughs) Thats her “dream” of a farm. I fucking hope she's kidding.
Tween friend: Dude, have you ever tried capers on Cheez-Its?
–Queens
Guy #1: I jack off and eat at the same time! It's easy!
Guy #2: What? How can you do that? That's gross!
Guy #1: I do it all the time! One hand on my pizza and the other on Johnny!
Guy #2: TMI!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Olee
Girl to friend: Yeah, so before I came in here I wasn't a vegetarian, but now my expectations have changed.
–New Williamsburg Cafe
Overheard by: Nick Ace
Jenny*: When I say that I'm a vegan, the other Jenny, the little Texan Jenny inside of me goes, "you are so disgusting!"
–Tisch School of the Arts
Overheard by: Southern Carnivore
White flyer lady, singing: Peeeeople! Veeeegans have bet-ter-sex, bet-ter-health, and live decades longer to enjoy it all!
–LaSalle & Broadway
Wannabe vegan on cell: Is applesauce vegan?
–Denny's
Guy: You know how vegetarians say they won't eat anything with a face? So what about that woman that got attacked by the chimp? Would they eat her? (stunned silence) Too soon?
–Steinway & Broadway, Astoria
Overheard by: Go Rangers!
Female student, pointing to ad of big M&M: I like this picture the best.
Professor: So you like big red things?
–John Jay College
