Jon Lovitz, Is That You Again?

Girl #1: Oh my gosh. I have to pee so bad. Do you think this restaurant will let me use their bathroom?
Girl #2: I don't know, why don't you ask?
Hobo, sunbathing in front of restaurant: Why, of course you may use the bathroom, young lady. But you will have to pay $5.
Girl #1: How do you know?
Hobo: Because this is my restaurant and I own this building.
Girl #2: I find that hard to believe.
Hobo: Look, you can believe me or not, but if you don't pay me the $5 fee, I'm going to expose my golden privates to you. Either way, I come out on top, you see?
Girl #2: Unbelievable! (walks away)
Hobo: Why, thank you.

–Times Square

Posted on August 13, 2015
Girls, Hobos, Homeless, Money & Class, Pee, Private Parts, Questions, Times Square

I Should Take That Class at the New School

Girl #1: So, basically, if I keep having sex with him I continue to get drugs for free.
Girl #2: No one ever offers me drugs for sex.
Girl #1: Well, I guess you just don’t have that street-whore quality about you.

–E train

Overheard by: melanie

Posted on August 13, 2015
Drugs, Girls, On the Subway, Promiscuity

There Are No Small Wednesdays– Only Small One-Liners.

Girl on cell, defiantly: Listen, I can keep my midget in your closet whenever I damn please!

–72nd & Columbus

Man handing out cards to random passers-by: They have midget strippers, buddy, and you can bring your guitar!

–42nd & 7th

Overheard by: Katy

Guy, to friend: You can't call yourself a grown man if you sit down and your feet dangle off the chair.

–Victoria's Secret

Overheard by: Emm

Black guy pushing cart: Man, I miss my two-headed midget friend… He was my best man.

–Union Square

Woman on cell: Have I been an angry little munchkin?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: TheMac

Posted on August 12, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Friendship, Gay Man's Best Friend, Girls, Guys, Handicaps, Instruments, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, Store, Strangers, Strippers, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Women

You Can’t Smoke It, Though

Idiot girl #1: Cloves taste so good!
Idiot guy: Yeah, I hear they are toasted or something.
Idiot girl #2: Oh, I love toast!

–33 Washington Square West

Posted on August 12, 2015
Default, Girls, Guys, Idiots, Sensory Experiences, Smokers & Smoking, Smoking, Stupidity, Washington Square Park

But My Skin Is Dry Today

Hipster chick: Oh! Thanks for carrying my bag!
Hipster guy: No problem. I’ll just masturbate on your face later.
Hipster chick, laughing: Well, I didn’t want to say it in public…

–Deli, 9th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: didn’t want to know that

Posted on August 12, 2015
Default, Delis, Etiquette, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Masturbation, Offers and requests, Union Square and East Village

It’s Enemas

Drunk girl: You’ve seen anal sex a million times in porn, but have you ever once seen shit on the guy’s dick? Or on the sheets?
Guy: Maybe they give the girls enemas first.
Drunk girl, draining glass: Well, they must give ’em something, because in real life ass-fucking is a shitty business.

–Tony Awards after-party, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on August 11, 2015
Backdoor, Bimbettes, Drunks, Girls, Guys, Poop, Porn, Rockefeller Center, Talking/Convos

Home Depot Also Sells the Industrial Grade Belt-Driven Kind

Little boy: Do you have 25 cents?
Older sister: What? No… You don’t need a tampon.
Little boy: No, I want a napkin.
Older sister: You don’t need those, either.
Little boy: I want a napkin for my face! [Reads off dispenser] See? Nap-kin.
Older sister: Those aren’t napkins like we use at the table. They’re… um… y’know, ladies’ things, like Mommy uses.
Little boy: Ohhh…

–Ladies’ room, Home Depot, Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: Pippa

Posted on August 11, 2015
Boys, Default, Families, Girls, Kids, Menstruation, Store

You Definitely Have to Swallow Your Gum First

Girl: Is it okay to swallow gum?
Guy #1: Yeah, if the guy’s been tested…
Guy #2: Dude, she said ‘gum.’
Guy #1: Oh… Awkward…

–Death Cab for Cutie show, Madison Square Garden Theater

Overheard by: Domi

Posted on August 10, 2015
BJs, Girls, Guys

The Classy Ladies of Wednesday One-liners

Chick on cell: Um, it’s me, and you know what? I just sent you and email that was all like, “I don’t want to think about it, I just want to blah blah blah.” I changed my mind. I do want to think about it, and you know what happens when I do? I say, ew! Yuck, yuck, yuck, ew, ew, yuck. argh! Ugh! Ugh! I’m so grossed out right now I cannot even tell you. What a fucking asshole. Asshole, asshole, asshole. I hate him, I hate him. He’s a big dick. A big dick. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m walking around the streets of New York swearing, but god knows I’m not the first person. Holy shit, what a dick. Ew. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Call me back. Bye!

–Union Square

Posted on August 10, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cell Phone, Girls, Idiots, Insults, Union Square and East Village

‘Cause I Only Do That For Special Friends

Girl: Did you hear that one?
Friend: Nope.
Girl: Do I have to blow my ass out on your face for you to hear my farts?

–New York Botanical Garden, the Bronx

Posted on August 9, 2015
Friendship, Girls, Kink, The Bronx

Girls

Jon Lovitz, Is That You Again?