Global Geography

Tales from Wednesday One-Liners’ Crypt

Man on cell: What are you, some sort of reverse vampire?

–C train

Dude: And there were unicorns exploding in the background… or at least doing whatever it is unicorns do.

–Live Bait, 23rd St

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chick: You kind of look like a vampire in this picture. But a cool vampire! Like, if you were in The Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland would totally want to have sex with you.

–55th & 6th

Overheard by: wants to have sex with Kiefer Sutherland

Drunk hobo chuckling: You people look depressed! I know how to cheer you up. I’ll sing my favorite song! ‘Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead…’ [Looks around] Hmmm… [Notices the train going express] What the…? I need a new mathematician! I need a new mathematician!

–6 train making express stops on a surprise basis

Overheard by: Barry Negrin

Sax-wielding hobo: I am an alien! From outer space! Not from Mexico!

–L train

Overheard by: Alex P. Keaton

Ricky’s employee: Looks like I’m all out in the fairy department.

–58th & Broadway

Mom: Johnny, put down the sword. Vampires don’t use weapons. Their teeth are their weapons.

–Halloween shop, 8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

In the Post-Apocalyptic Future, Formal Education Will Make All the Difference

NYU student #1: I think our degrees will definitely appreciate in value over our lifetimes.
NYU student #2: Yeah, dude, especially when the rest of the world is destroyed and New York becomes Mega City One.

–Juan MacLean concert, Union Square

Overheard by: deke shearon

Earth to Wednesday One-Liners, What Is Your Position?

Clerk: Australia… is that here or is that one of those France places?

–Utica and Atlantic, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Keith

JAP: Then we went to Florence, and after that to the seacoast around Genoa, all these little towns — I think it’s called the Geneva Convention.

–Hip coffee shop, 71 Irving Place

JAP: So where exactly is New England? Is it in Europe?

–Duane Reade

Tourist chick, pointing far away: That’s Manhattan, right?

–Observatory, Empire State Building

Overheard by: kaja

Guy to friends: Wait, are you sure we’re not in Boston?

–86th and Park Ave.

Tourist to her family, pointing at City Hall: I’m not sure what that building is, but I’m going to guess it’s the French Embassy.

–Next to the gates outside City Hall

Girl: Mom, where is Viagra Falls?

–Central Park

Overheard by: Delilah

At the Biasslon Olympic Tryouts

Asian guy: No, that was some pretty diarrhea. Did you see it?
Mexican guy: It was crazy, man. Wooo.
Asian guy: It was pretty diarrhea. Really.
Mexican guy: So pretty. We don’t got that shit in Mexico.

–Time-Life building lobby

Enslaving Africans Gives Me the Munchies

Suit #1: That’s how we can get people to join us on the safari! We’ll say, ‘come on our safari and bring back your own little Namibian!’
Suit #2: That reminds me, do you have the M&Ms?

–57th St & 7th Ave

Technicolor Wednesday-One-Liners

Voice on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, someone has lost a pair of ladies’ red-rimmed eyeglasses. That’s a pair of women’s glasses with red frames, looking for you. Get it? Cause they’re glasses, looking for…Oh, nevermind.

–Queens County Farm Museum

Overheard by: amused visitor

Girl: I only like white wine in Paris

–Union Pool

Overheard by: Andrea

Hobo: I am a Vietnam veteran. I cannot work due to the effects of Agent Orange. Agent Orange was used in Vietnam to kill all the vegetarians.

–Uptown R train

Cop: So what does the red light mean, dat you gotta come to a complete stop?

–Downtown 1 train

Overheard by: Goueznou

Student to tourists: No, no. The black-draped building is Silver. The white building is Brown. See?

–Broadway & Mercer

Overheard by: booksandlibretti

Coast guard officer: Oh darn, I should have worn my pink coast guard hat today.

–South Street Seaport, Avon Breast Cancer Walk

It’s her Love of hot Chocolate, if You Follow me

Guy: Yeah, we call my brother’s girlfriend Swiss Miss.
Girl: Is that because she’s Brazilian?

–Purity Diner, 7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Cleo

France Just Seems Small, Because It’s So Easy to Conquer

Customer You Greek?
Waitress: Greek Orthodox.
Customer: So you’re Greek.
Waitress: No, that’s my religion, they call it Greek Orthodox.
Customer: But you’re from Greece, right?
Waitress: No, Belarus.
Customer: Russia?
Waitress: Belarus. It’s the former USSR. It’s between Russia and Poland.
Customer: I never heard of it. It must be very small.
Waitress: It’s not small.
Customer: It must be very small.
Waitress: It’s the size of France. France is quite big, actually.
Customer: I better look at a map.
Waitress: Yeah, you’d better.

–Diner, Park Slope

They Should Be Made to Go and Live There

White lady, surrounded by "Save Darfur" ralliers: Who’s Darfur?
Husband: Well, I don’t know, but whoever he is, he sure is in a lot of trouble.

–6 train

Overheard by: Jill Benson

They’re Not Going to Be One-Upped on the Surrealism

Guy #1: You know that Anton Webern’s Quartet for the End of Time was performed in a concentration camp? Crazy.
Guy #2: Yeah. He died real weird. I forget how. I think the Nazis shot him.
Total stranger: Actually he was shot by Allied soldiers. He was breaking curfew smoking a cigarette, and they mistook him for his brother-in-law, who was an alleged Nazi spy.
Guy #1: Oh, I see. Thanks.
Total stranger: Any other questions? I just ride this train all day waiting to answer questions on twentieth-century music composition. The next car has an expert on Chekhov, and the conductor studies philosophy.
Guy #1: So anyway, Slavic girls are pretty hot.
Guy #2: Yeah, for real.

–7 train

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