Wednesday-One-Liner 451

5th grader to friends on stairs: So my brother burned a hole in the floor so we could spy on the neighbors.

–The Spence School

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

Hot 20-something: If another mediocre man hits on me after another mediocre meal I am going to burn the city down!

–1 Train

20-something to friend: The house burnt down, and now my dad has no eyebrows. No really, he has no eyebrows.

–Thompkin Square Park

Yuppie guy: You know, I think heartburn is the best kind of burn someone could have.

–Bleecker & Jones

Overheard by: Jas

Five-year-old boy, singing: Let the train, let the train, let the train be on fire!
(continues for a few minutes) Let China, let China, let China be on fire!

–F Train

Subway conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is being held due to a…slight fire at the next station.

–C Train

Overheard by: G.

Posted on March 4, 2009
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Body Parts, Family Ties, Fire, Food, Friends, Kids, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, School, Singing, Students, Subway conductors, The Village, Threats, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Yuppies

Or at Least Do It Like I Taught You

Impatient nanny: Hurry up. Finish your ices already!
Little girl: No. (licks ices delicately)
Impatient nanny: For god's sake, stop giving that Popsicle a blow job!

–Prospect Park Zoo

Overheard by: ABrooklynBaby'sNanny

Posted on March 3, 2009
BJs, Brooklyn, Food, Girls, Kids

Something Lighthearted, Like Saving Private Ryan?

Nine-year-old girl #1: You don't know what it's like because your father didn't die.
Nine-year-old girl #2: Yeah, I never had a father.
Nine-year-old girl #1: Yeah, so he never died. Hey, you wanted to rent a movie tonight…what do you want to see?

–Bedford Ave & N 6th St

Overheard by: Andrew

Posted on March 1, 2009
Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Death, Family Ties, Kids, Wishes & desires

Fine, I'm Pee-Shy, Okay?

Little girl in stall with her mother: Are you going to go?
Mother: No.
Little girl: You aren't going to go?
Mother: No.
Little girl: You aren't going to go?
Mother: No, I don't have to go.
Little girl: But you said you had to go!
Mother: I changed my mind.
Little girl: That's not something you can change your mind about!

–Ladies' Room, Saks Fifth Avenue

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Posted on February 28, 2009
Family Ties, Kids, Moms, Pee, Questions, Should've Used a Condom, Store

Kids Have the Intestinal Tracts Of Spotted Hyenas

Woman: We gotta get yogurt for the kids, too.
Man: I got yogurt.
Woman: Yeah, Activia. You can't be giving kids Activia! Kids already be shittin' like mad!

–Costco, Brooklyn

Posted on February 27, 2009
Brooklyn, Family Ties, Food, Kids, Men, Poop, Women

An Overpriced Studio Apartment with No Windows?

Little boy, pointing to staircase leading to basement: Daddy, what's downstairs?
Dad: Hell.

–Clothing Store, NoHo

Posted on February 26, 2009
Dads, Directions, Kids, Questions, Satan, Store, The Village

Killing Me Softly with His Wednesday One-Liner

Excited man on cell: Hey! Did you hear who died? Amanda's pretend husband died!

–N Train

Overheard by: Tophs

20-something woman to friend: Well, I wanna kill her and she wants to kill me, 'cause I took her husband.

–R Train

Overheard by: Tara

20-something hipster girl: I am a nihilist! Watch me die.

–Waverly & Mercer

Asian guy to white girl: All children are born evil. If they had the strength of an adult during childhood, they would kill someone just to get a lollipop.

–Queens College

Woman on cell: Okay! I get it. She's not a good person. Just kill her.

–Canal St & Laffaette St

Overheard by: Kay

Conductor: You're all gonna die! I'm your worst nightmare! Ahahahaha!

–C Train

Overheard by: P-Diddy

Posted on February 25, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Conductors, Death, Food, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Infidelity, Kids, Marriage, Men, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Queens, Queens College, Soho, Stupidity, Threats, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Grow Up Faster in the City

Little girl to woman walking by: Oh, look–another person, sooooo interesting. It's not like we haven't seen enough of those today.

–D'Agnostino's, Greenwich & Barrow

Overheard by: Margo

Boy walking in church to mom: And when we walk in we'll hear Gregorian chants.

–Trinity Church

Four-year-old boy, after plane's smooth landing: Whoa, that was solid!

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: jen

Kid at birthday party: I thought they were feeding us ice cream, not shit!

–McDonald's, Bayside

Adorable child having a temper tantrum: I don't want to walk, I want to go in the stroller!
(mother ignores him) I'm melting… I'm meeelllting!

–New York Transit Museum

Overheard by: NatalyaPetrovna

Posted on February 25, 2009
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Church, Compare/Contrast, Food, Glad the Condom Broke, JFK Airport, Kids, Moms, More museums, One-liners, Restaurants & Cafes, Should've Used a Condom, Singing, The Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Yet You Won't Even Obey the White Man When It's Time to Cross the Street?

White woman with two kids: Oh my god! Look! These lollipops are designed to look like the faces of little white children!
Asian woman: Yeah–they're made of molded chocolate.
White woman: I love Asian grocery stores!
White woman's kid: Mommy, mommy! Can I have it? I want to eat the white child!

–New Kam Man, Canal St

Overheard by: office peon can be wary of white people

Posted on February 24, 2009
Asians, Body Parts, Chinatown, Compare/Contrast, Ethnic Food, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, Race, Should've Used a Condom, White People, Wishes & desires, Women

I Know the Kabuki Makeup Doesn't Help, But I Got Bored.

Black nanny #1 to another, about white baby in her care: Her mother tells me to put sunscreen on her, but she's so damn white.
Black nanny #2: I know, nigger looks like Casper.

–Battery Park Playground

Overheard by: Ana O

Posted on February 24, 2009
Black People, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Kids, Parks, Race, TV, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport