NYC Geography

Baby, You Can Drive My Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: I don’t know, now she won’t sleep in the bedroom ’cause of the mobster, and she needs a ride to the Hamptons.

–7th & Ave A

Overheard by: Analt

Guy: He’ll be here in another twenty minutes. He’s sleeping in the back of a car.

–74th & 2nd

Overheard by: Wendy

Teenage girl: I know it’s so wrong, but I’m seriously lusting for luxury cars. I just want to lick them. I want to hump those leather seats!

–WTC Path station

Overheard by: Carine

Suburban boy: Oh my God, driving in the city is most fun thing in the entire world!

–Downtown R train

Overheard by: confused

Man: I had a bad night tonight. I stole a car, got two tickets. I shouldn’t-a stole that car.

–Bodega, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Flasteppi

Drunk guy on cell: If you don’t have my money by 12 tomorrow, I’m gonna get your mother’s car and your sister’s car…I still love your sister, too, but you better have my money.

–Union Turnpike-Kew Gardens E/F station

Young woman: Where did all these cars come from? New York doesn’t have cars.

–35th & 5th

Overheard by: Frank & Alex

How Else to Explain All These Kentucky Fried Chicken Franchises?

Man: You know what the tristate area is? New York, New Jersey, and Kentucky.
Woman: What?

–181st & Riverside

Overheard by: Josh H

Which Is All About the Unknowns

Female tourist: I don’t get it. This isn’t a square, it’s like… triangular.
Male tourist: No, no, they just call it that because… well… it’s like… a square… a square of people. I don’t know, it has something to do with algebra.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Luke

Wednesday One-Liners Are Stupid. There. We Said It.

Woman on cell: When you assume, you make an ass of yourself.

–4th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Mark

Hipster: Yo, what’s up with Filene’s Basement? That shit’s on the top floor!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Tourist: Is that the Enron building?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Robyn

Tourist to security guard: Are these all originals?

–Impressionist Gallery, the Met

Overheard by: j-diddy

Female tourist: I could never live in Central America because I’d miss the ocean.

–Restaurant bathroom, Little Italy

Overheard by: Olia

Girl looking at subway map: What about that thing, that star–“You are here”? They don’t have that?

–(Moving) uptown 1 train, 59th St

Overheard by: Jo

White hipster girl: Is black semen black?

–86th & Park

Wednesday One-Liners Are Gaga in Gotham

Ghetto girl on cell: How you ‘spect me to find you? This map has, like, so many places on it!

–Brooklyn Botanical Gardens

Overheard by: vix

Tourist: But we are in SoHo!

–16th & 6th

Overheard by: Yours Truly

Tourist to MTA agent: Which train do I need to take to get to South Ho?

–W 4th St subway station

Overheard by: Emily

Teenage tourist: Ohmigod…CBGB… BCBG…Whatever. We totally have to go!

–22rd & 5th

Overheard by: zr

Tourist lady, pointing to Liberty Island: There are people over there. Why are there people over there?!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Not quite sure

Jappy tourist: Hey, we’re trying to get back to New York Island; do you know the best way to get to 48th and 8th Avenue?

–2nd St between A & B

Overheard by: Where Am I?

Yuppie tourist: Christina, Christina! Is this Ground Zero?

–5th Ave, outside Plaza Hotel

Overheard by: D

What About the Chattanooga Choo-Choo?

Public transportation aficionada: Excuse me.
Empiricist: Yes?
Public transportation aficionada: I’m looking for Penn Station. I mean Yonkers. Which train will take me to Yonkers?
Empiricist: Ah, maybe none. Yonkers isn’t on the Island.
Public transportation aficionada: Uh-huh. We’ve been looking for a train to take us to Yonkers, but none of these go there.
Empiricist: Yeah. It’s not on the Island.
Public transportation aficionada: What about the 2 train?
Empiricist: Okay, bye.

–Outside Penn Station

Overheard by: Matt Hartwick

If at First You Don’t Succeed…

Halter-Top #1, screaming into cell: We’re on 10th and One. One. One!
Halter-Top #2: Just tell him we’re at 10th and one!
Halter-Top #1: One! [Pause] Oh, First? Is that what it’s called?

–10th & 1st

What Sort of Queens Did he End up in?

Girl: Like, every time I made, like, a life-changing effort to spend time with him, he was an hour and a half late. For stupid reasons, like he fell asleep on the subway and ended up in Queens.
Guy: Yeah, that’s really laid-back.

–56th & 9th

Overheard by: emily

Wasn’t Roosevelt a Character on the Early Sesame Street Episodes?

Girl #1, showing Girl #2 a website: Look at how beautiful this place is; it’s in Rhode Island.
Girl #2: I love Rhode Island. I used to go there a lot.
Girl #3: Yuck, why would you go to Rhode Island? That’s where that mental institution is. Why would you want to go there?
Girl #2: No, Rhode Island is a state in our country. You mean Roosevelt Island, and that institution has been closed for, like, ever.

–W 77th St

Wednesday One-Liners Are Black and White and Read All Over

White girl on cell: Wait, you’re watching BET? Well, do you feel black and/or entertained?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Casey

Black guy: So you see, white bitches just don’t understand that I have a big ass penis.

–St. Mark’s

Teenage black girl: See those buildings over there? That’s where I stay. Yeah, it’s nice and shit. I like it. Too many white people moved in, though. That’s why I’m KKK…Krazy Kracker Killa!

–Uptown 1 train

Overheard by: aq

Black guy to white girl: You’d better not stay in the rain too long; sugar melts!

–117th & 5th

Overheard by: robin b

JAP: It’s not like I don’t like his parties, I just don’t fit in. Hello! I’m white!

–8th St & 5th Ave

Black guy: Well I have black friends, but they just don’t understand. You know what I’m sayin’? Certain races, dog.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Ghetto girl: What was these two white bitches doing in Harlem at 2:30 in the morning? You know how white they was? They so white they names was Ashley and Haley. That’s how white they was!

–Uptown 5 train

Midwestern tourist points to a black guy and says, to his tween daughter: You see that guy over there? You see how he’s a different color than you? You see that sometimes in big cities.

–Downtown 6 train

Overheard by: Gwen

Black girl to black friend: Yo, man, you’re acting like a black person.

–N train, Ditmars Blvd, Queens

Juicer: Oh, shit! We got customers in the store! We gotta stop acting so black!

–Jamba Juice, University Place

Frustrated woman, who has been trying in vain to hail a cab: What am I, black?

–21st & 6th

Black girl to black friend: We never gonna get a cab unless we start hangin’ with some white folks.

–Orchard & Houston

Overheard by: white folk

Teenage girl: But Bob Dylan is Jewish. That’s kind of black.

–Upper West Side

Black girl: Why we gotta be black all the time? Why can’t we be white for two minutes?

–Wendy’s, W 34th St

JAP: I hate being white!

–66th & Broadway

White teen girl: Now I know what it feels like to be a minority.

–Chinatown

White woman to black woman: I feel like I understand the black struggle because I feel I was black in a past life.

–Penn Station

Thug on cell: Black people like catfish also, nigga!

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Mappy and Chocolate

Ghetto girl at crosswalk: Ooh, lil’ white man tells me to walk, so I’m walkin’!

–Times Square

Overheard by: bully

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