Girl #1: Oh my god, that kid’s head is stuck between the bars! [Entire bus crowd looks as kid pulls head out.]Girl #2: His head wasn’t stuck.
Boy: Oh my god, is that Hugh Jackman? [Entire bus crowd looks.]
–Bus outside the Met
Girl #1: Oh my god, that kid’s head is stuck between the bars! [Entire bus crowd looks as kid pulls head out.]Girl #2: His head wasn’t stuck.
Boy: Oh my god, is that Hugh Jackman? [Entire bus crowd looks.]
–Bus outside the Met
Girl #1: She’s really hairy, like no one else.
Girl #2: Yeah, I know what you mean — in a cute way.
Girl #1: She does the bows and barrettes all the time…
–M34 Crosstown bus
Frumpy middle-aged woman #1: I don’t know… I guess some people just want to have a sugar daddy. I’ve thought about getting one.
Frumpy middle-aged woman #2: I guess they just like having kids say, ‘Wow, your mom is hot.’
Frumpy middle-aged woman #1: Meanwhile, the other moms are saying, ‘What a skank-bag!’
–M27 bus
Thug dad to toddler after bumping stroller down stairs: I call that there ride ‘The Earthquake.’ You like that? … Well, see, you’re too young to appreciate the magnitude of what just happened.
–A train
Overheard by: Stephie
Ghetto mom to seven-year-old kid: You don’t know how to hustle! You ain’t no hustler, she ain’t no hustler… No hustlin’.
–137th & Broadway
Overheard by: should she be saying that to a 7 year old?
Mom to eight-year-old daughter: This is not about apostrophes! This is about verbal agreement!
–F train at Broadway-Lafayette
Mom to son climbing on ferry railing: You wanna jump? I’ll throw you. Then I ain’t gotta buy you no Power Ranger.
–Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: autumn
Mother to three-year-old trailing behind: Stay close, baby, you know how ferry men like to take little boys.
–Whitehall Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: Ryn
Mom: Boy, don’t you listen? I swear, I will tear your ass up on this bus in front of everyone if you don’t behave. [Kid ignores her, and mom pulls out cell.] Fine, I’ll call Santa on yo’ misbehavin’ ass.
–BX 21 bus
Woman holding child’s hand: You’re my daughter, right? Okay, good.
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Nervous
Annoyed white girl: That cop with the flashlight was, like, shining it on my ass! So I was like, ‘Stop! I know my congressional rights, bitch!’
–Bus from Live Earth to Port Authority
Overheard by: Kevin
20-ish guy on cell: Yeah… Yeah, I talked to the cops, too! I told them I would kick her fucking jaw in if I didn’t get my money! Ma… Yeah, Ma, you know I don’t care!
–Thompson St, between W 3rd & Bleecker
Overheard by: The Simian Space Man
Conductor over intercom: Either we can have a peaceful ride uptown, or the police can ride with us. You decide [laughs maniacally].
–2 train
Overheard by: Ladle
[Hippie on bicycle loses concentration and crashes into lamppost.]
Cop in nearby squad car, over loudspeaker: Hahaha! Should’ve been more careful, or what?!
–42nd & 8th
Overheard by: Susan Laura
Chick: So, I’m up by Bryant Park, and there are all these cop cars lined up, and then one of them decides, ‘Okay, time to go!’ and he puts his siren on and pulls out, and all the rest of them following, all their sirens going whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop! And then I hear something that sounds like some guy going ‘whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop’ — like, he’s making siren noises — and I turn around, and there’s this cop… I guess the siren on his cop car wasn’t working or something, so he’s on the loudspeaker mic yelling, ‘Whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop!’ as they all zoom off down 42nd Street. It was crazy!
–14th & 7th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Little girl: Daddy, do people have white hair because they’re old?
Dad: Yes. And, in fact, some people like me have almost no hair at all.
–M86 bus, 86th & Lex
Overheard by: Jake
Nine-year-old boy: Would you rather be naked in public or in front of a hundred boys? Including me…
Nine-year-old girl: A hundred boys. Would you rather be naked in front of this whole bus or just this back half?
Nine-year-old boy: Just the back half… Wait… You’re in the back half, right?
–M79 crosstown bus, Central Park
Overheard by: Rachel
Blonde: So, I went home for Thanksgiving, and my grandmother told me that only ugly girls apply to grad school, because they can’t find a husband. Then she said she would pay for me to get a boob job so I could find a husband.
Adoring friend: Wow, your grandma is so cool!
Blonde: Yeah, but like, I wouldn’t know how big to get them, ’cause I don’t want back problems or anything, but I’ve always wanted boobs!
–NYU bus
Overheard by: Sarah
Little girl: You keep asking me for money! Forty dollars in two days! And then you ask for more!
Mother, laughing nervously: Yeah…
–East-bound M66 bus
Overheard by: Eric
Queer black man #1: I am stupid, dumb, and crazy.
Queer black man #2: Mmm-hm.
Queer black man #1: But I am not slow. I never was.
Queer black man #2: You never were.
Queer black man #1: I never was.
Queer black man #2: It’s ‘were. I never were.’ I was an English major.
Queer black man #1: It’s, ‘I never was.’ I went to school. You’re speaking some sort of crazy… some crazy Ebonics language.
Queer black man #2: Bitch, you stupid, dumb, and crazy.
Queer black man #1: Mmm-hm, that’s right.
–M10 bus, 110th & CPW
Overheard by: A former English minor, weeping.
