“So That’s What I Ate for Wednesday One-Liner.”

Skinny, attractive 20-something: Yeah, that’s totally my plan: Get completely smashed every night, eat tons of eggs, then barf them all up.

–E. 84th b/w 1st & York

Overheard by: Holds her Liquor (and her eggs)

Woman in bus on cell: George? George, you there? Oh okay, I’m on my way to the shrink’s office so I can only talk for a little while. Oh no, I’m still not feeling better, I was up all night vomiting like crazy and I’m still ridiculously gassy. Good lord, I should go to a doctor because I also have constant diarrhea. Oh George…

–M66 Bus

Overheard by: Stephanie

Drunk guy: It was incredible. He puked and then he just disappeared. I’ve never seen anything like it. He was like the Criss Angel of puking.

–Outside Lombardi’s

Overheard by: Rich

Girl stumbling back from the bathroom: You guys, we have to leave because I threw up all over the floor and someone saw me.

–Horus

NYU undergrad: So we were going to have an intervention for her, but when we went to her room, she wasn’t there. So instead we wrote on her laptop, "I’m a douche, I drink too much and throw up."

–8th & University

Posted on June 18, 2008
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anorexic, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Etiquette, Food, Girls, Guys, Laptop, Little Italy, On Cell, On the Bus, Psychology, Restaurants & Cafes, Skinny People, Students, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Vomit, Weirdness, Women

When You Call, You Get Transferred to the Rejection Hotline

Old lady to bus driver: This service is getting worse and worse.
Bus driver, on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the best service we can provide at this moment. For any complaints please call the MTA [Pause.] And let me tell you this now… They won’t do anything.

–M79 Bus

Overheard by: Mr. Fix-it !! (HH)

Posted on June 10, 2008
Bus Drivers, Default, Gripes, Offers and requests, Old People, On the Bus, Public Transportation, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Sweet Tooth

Hobo, to commuters: I’m hungry, homeless, and unemployed. I’m selling these candies for $0.25 so I can buy a meal. You’re all going to die, and you can’t take it with you, so give it to me!

–Shuttle to Times Square

Overheard by: Wondering why he couldn’t just eat the candy…?

Girl: So she was like: "Why can’t we have a candy corn background?" and I was like "Because you’re an idiot!"

–Starbucks, 34th St

Overweight yet stylish gay man: She had a hunger deep inside her that only a Snickers could quench.

–M101 Bus

Overheard by: Holla Back Girl

Mother to young son: You can get something, but I don’t want you to pick out no fucking twenty dollar candy. You ain’t been that good.

–Hershey World, Times Square

Overheard by: esgeness

Professor to student: I found out what they put in their brownies, I plan to use it against them!

–101st & Broadway

Group of high school girls to Mister Softee ice cream truck driver: Hey ice cream man! Ice cream man! Give us some ice cream! We’ll suck you off!

–Beverley & Ocean Parkway

Overheard by: A Radiant Sulk Ninja

Posted on June 4, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Death, Fat People, Food, Girls, Grocery Stores, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Moms, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Panhandling, Parents, Queer guys, Starbucks, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teachers/Professors, Teens, Times Square, Weirdness

“Let’s Get Ready to Wednesday One-Liiiiiiiner!”

Bimbette: So yesterday he called me to tell me that he’s going to beat my ass, and then he calls me today to ask if he can use my CD player.

–Staten Island Mall

Overheard by: Robert

Seven-year-old girl: She better watch herself before I pimp slap her.

–Amsterdam Projects

Girl, to rest of her punk skater group: But I be like: "Bitch, I don’t skate… I just beat bitches with it."

–Astor Place & Broadway

Overheard by: Jynx

Lady on cell: Is someone else going to smack you?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Krisztina

Man on cell: What… You flubbed what? Listen dude, I’m in midtown, but it’s too far a cab ride to come beat a grown man’s ass.

–W Hotel, 49th & Lex

Overheard by: Miami Hitman

Bus driver to angry man: You want a piece of this? There are 26 places on the body that can kill you instantly. I can hit 4 in one shot. You wanna dance?!

–M16 Bus

Overheard by: nora!

Posted on June 4, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Bimbettes, Bitch-slap, Body Parts, Bus Drivers, Girls, Hotels, Insults, Kids, Malls, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYC Geography, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Punks, Questions, Skaters, Staten Island, The Village, Threats, Violence, Weirdness, Women

And the Ensuing Blowjob Happened Organically

Guy #1: My friend hit my balls so I tackled him to the ground and grabbed his nuts. That’s not gay, right?
Guy #2: No, he hit you first.
Guy #1: I mean, it’s not like I was crushing grapes or anything, he hit me in the nuts! What was I supposed to do!?

–NYU Bus

Overheard by: totallynotgay

Posted on May 29, 2008
Balls, Default, Fears, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Guys, NYU, On the Bus, Questions, Violence

He Even Eats Semi-Solid Foods Once a Week

Middle-aged man to elderly woman: Mom, he’s such a…I dunno. He told me the same story five times last night.
Elderly woman: Listen, dear: at my age, any man who can walk by himself and pee by himself is a catch.

–Madison Avenue Bus

Overheard by: The New York Crank

Posted on May 26, 2008
Age/Aging, Default, Illness, Men, Moms, Old People, On the Bus, Pee, Psychology, Relationships, Women

Don’t Bite the Hand That Steers You

Bus driver, on loudspeaker: If your stop is Main street, please get off here.
Punk high school kid in back of bus: Fuckin’ asshole!
Bus driver, on loudspeaker: Yo mama.

–Q88 Bus

Overheard by: quite amused

Posted on May 18, 2008
Boys, Bus Drivers, Default, Directions, Insults, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Public Transportation, Punks, Teens

Men Really Do Have Trouble Multitasking

College boy #1: Do you think when we get there we can…
[Five second pause.]College boy #2: What?
College boy #1: Sorry, I had to concentrate. I had to fart.

–Crosstown Bus

Overheard by: Gonna Cab It From Now On

Posted on April 27, 2008
Apologies, Default, Farting & Burping, Frat Boys, Friends, On the Bus, Questions

Wednesday One-Liners Make “Unsafe Requests”

Homeless man: Eliot Spitzer for President!… Make the White House the whorehouse!

–Battery Park

NYU guy: So my friend who works for Eliot Spitzer called me the other day and asked me to ask his roommate to delete all his emails. He didn’t say why, but then about two hours later I found out about the whole prostitute thing… And now I’m a little worried.

–NYU Bus

AmNY newspaper guy, handing out papers with Eliot Spitzer’s picture on the front page: $80,000 for a ho, and we can’t get a raise!

–Outside 33rd St Station, 33rd & Park

Crazy guy, speeding on a bicycle through a crowd: Don’t even think about it people! I gotta make a party at Spitzer’s in ten minutes!

–43rd & Lexington

Overheard by: Dan J

Old lady: Why, if I were young like you, I could be a call-girl to scum-of-the-earth Spitzer!

–Laundromat, 34th St, Long Island City

Posted on April 16, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Booty Call, Celebrations/Parties, Crazies, Fears, Guys, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, News, Nicknames & name calling, NYU, Offers and requests, Old People, On the Bus, Orgy, Pictures, Politics, President, Prostitution, Queens, Street, Students, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Time, Women, Words

On the Bus