Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Need No Water, Let the Motherfucker Burn!

Girl on cell: So yeah, I was like, ‘That is a great costume,’ and then it set her hair on fire and I was like, ‘That’s gross.’

–CVS, 42nd & 3rd

Crazy hobo: That’s right! Arrest me! I’ll burn half y’all houses down… And set the other half on fire!

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Overheard by: Incitatus

Pseudo-intellectual: She called me and told me there was a bonfire in her ovaries.

–MacDougal Street Ale House

Overheard by: Ladle

Creepster: Come here… You don’t wanna know what I’m on right now. If you come home with me, I will light you on fire.

–Columbus Ave

Concerned NYU girl to boyfriend about California wildfires: Do you think Cher’s house burned?!

–Water St dorm, NYU

Overheard by: michael

Posted on December 24, 2014
About Celebrities, Accidents, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Compliments, Crazies, Crazy, Creepsters, Default, Fashion, Fire, Girls, Grocery Stores, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Intelligentsia, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Students, Threats, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

Tim Gunn in Person Is Not What You'd Expect

Strange old man to girl : Would you ever wear your hair like that? (points to a girl with afro)
Girl: Um…no.
Man, getting off train: Good. Have a nice weekend.
Girl: You too.
Man: And don't wear your hear like that. Or your daddy might have to whip out his belt.

–E Train

Overheard by: Jessie

Posted on December 24, 2014
Girls, Hair, Old People, On the Subway, Parents, Physical appearance, Questions, Strangers, Threats, Violence

Are You Afraid of Wednesday One-Liners?

FDNY lieutenant to EMTs: Hey, get this! Some guy just called 911 because some guy looked scary!

–34th & 10th

Overheard by: guy in back of ambulance

Gay guy to another: I'm terrified of successful women!

–23rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Moy

(guy with drums finishes a performance in the train)
Guy with drums: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. Help a brother out and donate some money if you enjoyed this performance. (lady in front of him looks scared)
Please donate and if you don't know what to do or are scared, smile and nod. Everything will be okay.

–E Train

Overheard by: Sleepy

Crazy bag lady to high school boy: I ain't scared of you. I'll beat you with a crowbar. Cuz I gotta crowbar in my pussy and it's way up there!

–B54 Bus

Suit on cell: And I was scared, right? Because her legs were open in the cemetery.

–Gramercy Park

Posted on December 23, 2014
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crazies, Crazy, Death, Fears, Firemen, Gender issues, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Music, Musicians, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Panhandling, Queer guys, Sexuality, Stupidity, Suits, Threats, Weirdness

But They’d Be Perfect for You

Chick #1: Have you ever broken your phone?
Chick #2: No, I think the worst I’ve ever broken is my finger.
Chick #1: [Pause] But, I mean, now I don’t have any of my numbers.
Chick #2: Oh my god! I thought you meant… Oh, wow. Well, why didn’t you just tell me you broke your phone? I have, like, four.
Chick #1: Four?
Chick #2: Well, they weren’t nice. I didn’t feel like they were reliable.

–L train

Posted on December 22, 2014
Biotechs, Cell Phone, On the Subway

It’s dark because you can’t afford it

Hipster: “I just returned from the dark side”

— Hipster getting off Bedford L into cell phone

Posted on December 22, 2014
Hipsters, On Cell, On the Subway, Philosophy

That Doormat’s Got 3 Kids, and No Dad in Sight

Girl: Yo, my neighborhood is so ghetto.
Guy: What? It isn’t ghetto. You’ve got a doormat.

–1 train

Posted on December 21, 2014
Friends, Gripes, On the Subway

We’ll Never Understand the Stay Puf’t Marshmallow Man’s Appeal

Teenybopper twelve-year-old #1: He was cute and all, but not oozing or anything.
Teenybopper twelve-year-old #2: Oh no honey, he was definitely oozing. He was hot.

–R Train

Overheard by: Fareesa

Posted on December 21, 2014
Beauty, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Girls, On the Subway, Sexuality, Tweens, Words

Go Back to Williamsburg, Wednesday One-Liner!

Hipster guy: He wants to write a book about how hipsters are all about being nihilistic and getting lung cancer from oral sex.

–Hop Scotch, Ave A

Hipster guy to girl: It’s like, you can’t take my identity. I’m a film director, that’s who I am. It’s like if I was a carpenter, I would make wood. I mean, I would make buildings… You can’t just choose to be a carpenter.

–Pepe Rosso’s, Sullivan St

Asian hipster chick: You know, when you ask someone what they’re doing and they say clearing their head? I don’t think you can really do that because when you say you’re clearing your head you are really thinking about clearing your head so it isn’t clear after all.

–A Train

Overheard by: kate

Über-hipster chick to another: Bitch! Brunch tomorrow or I’ll fucking smack that headband right off you!

–8th & Bedford, Brooklyn

Hipster girl: What floor was fluffy on?! What floor was fluffy on?!?!??!

–Hookah Bar, East Village

Overheard by: Marisa

Hipster: It was a mess. I mean, you don’t want anarchists at the socialist barbecue. Haven’t you ever read Kropotkin?

–125th St

Overheard by: Ali

Posted on December 21, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Bars & Clubs, BJs, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Friendship, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Illness, Jobs & Careers, On the Subway, Philosophy, Politics, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Words

Husband: Omagah, THX 1138— Very Hot!

Hipster guy: I forgot to tell you — she cut off all her hair.
Hipster girl: What?!
Hipster guy: She said she wanted short hair once in her life.
Hipster girl: Oh my god! She’s crazy!
Hipster guy: I know.
Hipster girl: Oh my god! I can’t believe she did that!
Hipster guy: I guess it doesn’t matter when you’re married.

–F train, Brooklyn

Posted on December 21, 2014
Hipsters, Marriage, On the Subway

Guess That Explains Why Your Grades Have Started to Sag

Loud Dominican kid #1: Yo, that girl Adriana…
Loud Dominican kid #2: Who, that white girl?
Loud Dominican kid #3: Yeahhhh, with the big titties?
Loud Dominican kid #1: Yeaaahhh, she was, like, leaning over helpin' me with a problem and I was like “yeaaahhhh…”
Loud Dominican kid: Word?
Loud Dominican kid #2: She got like c-cups…
Loud Dominican kid #3: Wait, I don't, like, know the alphabet…

–L Train

Overheard by: Larson

Posted on December 21, 2014
Dominicans, Education, Horny, On the Subway, Rack

On the Subway