Kid: I was in the newspaper yesterday.
Nanny: You were? Why were you in the newspaper?
Kid: Daddy told the New York Times that I like the way the subway smells.
–Montague & Court
Overheard by: Rachel
Kid: I was in the newspaper yesterday.
Nanny: You were? Why were you in the newspaper?
Kid: Daddy told the New York Times that I like the way the subway smells.
–Montague & Court
Overheard by: Rachel
Conductor: Next stop, Lexington.
Four-year-old girl, cutting him off: Shut up! Shut up!
Mother: Who are you tellin to shut up?
Four-year-old girl: That man! We *know* where we is!
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors.
Four-year-old girl: We know! This ain't the first time we rode a train, sir!
–N Train
Chick: I get in the cab and in five seconds Billy’s got his hands and nose pressed against the glass. And I’m like, stop that! That’s not funny. They’ll think we’re fucking tourists. They’ll take us like the longest fucking way from here. They think we’re fucking tourists. You are not excited by the Brooklyn Bridge! Or the Statue of Liberty!
–Lafayette St.
Lesbian #1: The G train always takes so long between stops, especially since it’s not going in a tunnel.
Lesbian #2: But it does go through a tunnel.
Lesbian #1: Yeah, but I mean a tunnel under water.
Lesbian #2: Oh, yeah, okay, it’s not going under water.
Lesbian #1: I always wondered how they make those tunnels.
Lesbian #2: They have one of those machines, that goes in circles.
Lesbian #1: Oh, okay…
Lesbian #2: You know, the one that goes in circles really quickly?
Lesbian #1: Yeah… [Pause] But when they build the tunnel in the water, does it go in the water, or under the water?
Lesbian #2: Under the water.
Lesbian #1: Oh, right.
–G train
Pastry Shop Worker: Is anyone willing to give up their seat for a girl that has to stand on her feet all day?
Train Riders: [SILENCE]
Pastry Shop Worker: Come on, all you guys just go sit in front of your computers every day, how damn hard is that? I have to make shit for people and stand on my feet all day. You people are so selfish!
–6 Train
Chick: He bumped against me. He said, “I’m sorry.” I said, “That’s OK.” I didn’t realize he was shoving me out of the way to take my seat!
–F Train
Little boy, looking at bus ad: Mommy, who is he?
Mother: That's Judge Judy.
–16th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Joe Masilotti
Scene girl: Can I call the cab this time?
Stoner boyfriend: No.
Scene girl: Why not?
Stoner boyfriend: Because every time you do, you get in and scream “is this Cash Cab?!” Bitch, you're never gonna meet Ben Bailey.
–Chelsea
Overheard by: HerDreamsWereCrushed
Obese girl, sweetly, to even bigger boyfriend: Honey, you're taking up two seats.
Boyfriend, very earnestly: Oh! Sorry, baby!
(he condenses his mass from three seats to two)
–7 Train
Conductor: Ladies in gentlemen, we would be moving, but there's a bitch-ass 5 train ahead hogging all the customers at 59th St.
–4 Express Train
Overheard by: Lexington
Conductor: Once again, there are no 2 or 3 trains from this station, so if you are looking for anything, don't get off the train, coz it's not gonna be there.
–Downtown 4 Train
Overheard by: Donz
Conductor: Okay, raise your hand if you want to leave!
–7 Train
Overheard by: will it help if I put two hands up?
Conductor: Do not get on this train. It is not taking any passengers, not even one. Do not even try, you will get kicked off.
–Fordham Rd, Bronx
Overheard by: The next train isn't for an hour and I'm already late.
Conductor: Attention, passengers… You cannot use chemical solvents on the train.
–NJ Transit
Conductor: The next stop will be Bryant Park, #2nd Street. What a gorgeous day! Why not take advantage of one of New York City's many fine outdoor eateries. Have you heard the one about the monk and the hot dog vendor? Hot dog vendor: "What's it going to be, buddy?" Monk: "Make me one with everything"! This is Bryant Park, 42nd Street. Have an enlightened day!
–F Train
