Lions, and Tigers, and Wednesday One-Liners — Oh My!

20-something woman on cell: Did I tell you mom got into a fight with a raccoon again? (pause) Yeah, I know, our mom is totally going to die of rabies.

–Starbucks, West Village

Overheard by: Vaccinated for rabies

Guy to another: Flap your wings baby, just flap your wings!

–Broadway

Woman, shouting at no one in particular: You know I'm unstoppable! I'm like an ox!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

NYU girl: My mother was like, "what would you do with a giant inflatable turkey?" and I was like, "what wouldn't you do with a giant inflatable turkey?"

–3rd Ave & 14th St

Overheard by: Mickey

Posted on August 1, 2023
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Birds, Compare/Contrast, Death, Girls, Guys, Illness, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Sorority Girls, Starbucks, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Preferably in Hebrew

13-year-old boy #1: Don't you remember that you told me my Bar Mitzvah was terrible?
13-year-old boy #2: When did I say that? I did not say nothing.
13-year-old boy #1: Don't you remember? You were talking to Eileen and you said I made a lot of mistakes. Don't blame me.
13-year-old boy #2: Don't blame you? You're blaming me! This is why we can't get together. Now we can't eat dinner together. We need conflict resolution.

–Barnes & Noble, 86th & Lexington

Posted on July 30, 2023
Celebrations/Parties, Jews, Judaism, Questions, Store, Teens, Upper East Side

I’m Talking to the Tenant, Not the Apartment

Brunette (looking at her crotch): Helllllllooooooo!?
Blonde: Are you talking to your vagina?
Brunette: No, my chlamydia.
Blonde: I think you’re talking to your vagina.

–Blockheads, 50th & 9th

Overheard by: Shirley

Posted on July 29, 2023
Default, Girls, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, STDs, Vagina, Weirdness

…Whereas the Washington Monument Is One Year-Round

Guy, about Empire State Building: Yeah, and for Valentine's Day they put a heart on it.
Visiting Australian woman: A what? A hard-on?

–Rooftop, Watching 4th of July Fireworks

Overheard by: i saw one of those on a building once…

Posted on July 26, 2023
Erections, Foreigners, Guys, Love, Parades & Festitivites, Questions, Words

Oh Jeez, Get Ready for a Rant About the Jews

Old black man: Do you believe in black Jesus or white Jesus?
White girl: White Jesus.
Old black man: I knew there was something wrong with you the minute I saw you.

–2 Train

Posted on July 25, 2023
Black People, Girls, Jesus, Old People, On the Subway, Questions, Race, White People

Wednesday One-Liners Rail Against Fate

Conductor: This is the last train. You have no other options, this is it. Get on this train.

–Metro North Rail

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your feet off the seats on this train. They belong on the floor; that's why it's there. If you can't put your feet on the floor because your luggage is there, don't worry: we took care of that too. Look up. That thing above your head is a luggage rack.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Announcement on NJ transit train: If you have young children, please take them…by the hand when leaving the train.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: JerseyJR

Train conductor: This is 18th Street, if this is your stop…get up! Give up that seat!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Chris K… at 11pm

Amtrak conductor: We are experiencing engine problems and need to change trains. But I want you to know that we have lost no altitude.

–Amtrak Train

Conductor, philosophical about delayed train: We don't usually have this type of delay at this time of day. But, well, here we are… (train starts to move) Aha! Here it is!

–A Train

Overheard by: Katie J

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, do you know where you are? (passengers are silent) I do! Hudson, next stop.

–Amtrak Train, Leaving Penn Station

Posted on July 23, 2023
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Conductors, Directions, Kids, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Time, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Or: “Guns Don't Kill People– Punctuation Kills People”

Teen #1, staring at gun with comma for trigger: So, what do you think it means?
Teen #2: It means: “as soon as I finish this sentence, I'm gonna kill you.”

–Museum of Modern Art

Posted on July 23, 2023
MoMA, Murder, Questions, Teens, Visual Art, Weapons

Extra Points for the Parker Posey Lip Curl, Anyway

Flyer guy: Hey, wanna see a comedy show? (two snotty girls ignore him) Hey, you like to laugh?
Snotty girls: No!
Flyer guy: Ah, you're miserable. Heading back to Staten Island?

–Times Square

Posted on July 22, 2023
Flyer people, Girls, Laughter, Questions, Theater & Dance, Times Square

Which We'd Said Many Times Before, in a Slightly Different Context…

Middle-aged frat boy #1: So one night, we decided to sleep at Arby's.
Middle-aged frat boy #2: So how did that work out for you?
Middle-aged frat boy #1: Not well. We had to leave. Bob could have blown like a .4, and he was the most sober of us. So he drove to this hotel, and we didn't notice until the next day that it was Punxsutawney where the groundhog is! We woke up and were like, “why are there all these beavers?”

–7 Train

Overheard by: D-Law

Posted on July 21, 2023
Animals & Nature, Cars and Driving, Drinking & Drunk People, Frat Boys, On the Subway, Questions

Questions

Extra Points for the Parker Posey Lip Curl, Anyway