Girl: Don’t you feel bad?
Guy: About what?
Girl: For one, you’re in your girlfriend’s jeans, her jacket, her flats, and her fucking pearls. And second…
Guy: And second what?
Girl: You got fucked by three different guys in the two days she’s been out of town.
Guy: If I suck so much, why the fuck are we friends?
Girl: ‘Cause when she is out of town, I have my own little gay Barbie doll and fashion expert all in one. And it’s your turn to buy the manicures.
–72nd & 1st
Overheard by: Julie
Tourist teen with new Uggs: Ma, can I wear these out of the store? Please?
Tourist mom: Are you fucking insane? Do you want them to be black in this filthy place? I just paid a hundred and fifty bucks for those. Take your feet out of them and don’t stick them back in until we get back to Michigan.
–David Z, 5th Ave
Overheard by: nicole h.
Woman: I do better in a wig than I do in flat shoes.
–125th St station
Chick: So, last night I ended up drinking a lot. I woke up this morning with bowling shoes on. My regular shoes were gone…
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Sully
Little boy: Mommy, those boots are a fashion no-no.
–N train
Eight-year-old boy: I like his shoes. Someone get me a knife!
–Bronx-bound 1 train
Bimbette: It’s like stripping is, like, the new Ugg boot.
–14th & 1st
Overheard by: Laura Hughes
10-year-old boy: Let’s get some shoes. Oh my god, shoes!
–Midtown
Woman to man: If you’re hot enough to wear shorts, you’re not cool enough to wear boots. It’s a double standard.
–Broadway, near Wall St
Overheard by: Just right, apparently
Guy: These shoes are so comfortable I can walk in them!
Girl: That could quite possibly be the dumbest shit you have ever said.
–Neptune Ave & Ocean Pkwy
Overheard by: i am that guy
Calm mom to five-year-old: Please don’t lick your shoe.
Five-year-old: Mommy, can you wipe my mouth out?
Mommy: No, sweetie. We can’t wipe things out of our mouths. Honey, we don’t lick the bottoms of our shoes. It’s simply not the way we go about doing things. Do you understand that it’s not Mommy being mean? Look around. Do you see any other children’s mommies letting them lick their shoes? No, you don’t, because children who lick their shoes get sick and die.
Other five-year-old: I don’t lick my shoes!
–Murray & W Broadway
Guy #1, about babe passerby: Oooh, hey girl. Excuse me, miss? Miss! [Girl turns around.] Hello. How are you today? [Girl leaves.] Man, not even a hello! What the hell is wrong with women today?
Guy #2: I can’t believe you thought she’d actually talk to you.
Guy #1: Why? I’m good looking.
Guy #2: Dude, you’re wearing Tevas. Shut the fuck up.
–69th & Columbus
Chick #1: So he just threw his shoes out?!
Chick #2: Yeah, he said he would never dance again.
Hobo: Never dance again!
–St. Mark’s & 2nd Ave
30-something black chick #1, trying on leopard print heels: I don’t know… I’m getting a serious whore vibe from these shoes.
30-something black chick #2: Yes, but it’s an attractive whore.
30-something black chick #1: Right… Whore is the new black.
–Upscale shoe store, Midtown
Man: You know that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, right?
Six-year-old boy: No, he does exist. When I wrote him a letter and asked him for pink Plush Puppies, I got them on Christmas.
Man: Dude, then you are a serious homosexual. What kind of boy asks for pink Plush Puppies?
–Rockaway
Overheard by: Bully
Guy: What is that on your sandal?
Girl: It is a butterfly! What, you don’t know your animals?
–Barbershop, Queens
