Students

Bartender: Stay for another round?
NYU kid: What time do you close today?
Bartender: 4 am, same as every day. I have the schedule right here. I also have the AA schedule!

–Blarney Bar

Columbia chick #1: Damn, he's sexy in a right girl's island kind of way.
Columbia chick #2: Don't you mean “Rikers Island”?

–113th & Broadway

Serious hipster girl: There is a nine-out-of-ten percent chance she won't call, but there is a one percent chance she will.

–L Train

Overheard by: Kansas

Grad student: You slept with him? This is not a good data-point.

–Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Serious 20-something: You know pi? Like 3.14? You could shave the symbol into your pubes and you'd have hair pi.

–Coffe Bar Lounge

Student: Math chicks aren't the most glorious specimens of femininity.

–Shake Shack

Overheard by: Mary Elizabeth

Young man to friend: If you add it up, it's a lot of money. But when you do the math, it's not really that much money.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: Joy

Older cousin to younger cousin: How are you going to be rich if you don't like math? Rich people are good at math. They have to count their money.

–Stuyvesant Square

Overheard by: Peanut

Girl complaining to math teacher: No, you don't understand. I can't multiply past six.

–Marymount Manhattan College

Overheard by: Austin G.

Tourist lady on cell: Well, the last I heard she wasn't even sure what her relationship with Jesus is anymore.

–Starbucks, 42nd & 8th

Annoyed dressed-up girl to friend: I mean, I'm not hating on Jesus. It's just that he's not my man like he's your man. I don't hop into bed with him every night!

–25th St & 7th Ave

Woman walking by street dancers: By the dangling testes of Christ on the cross!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Lauren

Curly-haired chick: You've found *other* people's fatal flaws–baggage, Jesus, etcetera.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Poogins

NYU student: Well, you know things always get complicated when Jesus comes into the picture.

–Cooper Square

Controversial professor: Does anyone have anything nice to say about Jesus, that poor son of a bitch?

–Columbia University

History teacher: And who wrote the Declaration of Independence?
White girl: Thomas Jefferson.
Black boy: Oh, I was gonna say “George Jefferson.”
Black girl: “George Jefferson” is the name of the chicken place by your house, fool!

–LaGuardia Arts High School

Overheard by: George Jefferson

Foreign student: So how did you do on the SATs?
American student: Screw the SATs. I lost respect for America when I took the SATs. The difference between Yale and BMCC is an analogy.

–Convent Ave

Overheard by: miguel

Barnard girl, examining other girl's wrist brace: Oh, I thought it was, like, some cool Urban Outfitters…
Other girl: No!
Barnard girl: Aw, baby!

–115th & Broadway

Overheard by: Alex

NYU student #1: Who is Paris Green, anyway?
NYU student #2: Didn't he manage the Yankees for a little while?
NYU student #3: That was Dallas Green.
NYU student #1: Are they related?
NYU student #3: They used to use Paris Green to kill rats.
NYU student #2: He was an exterminator?
NYU student #1: Either way, I fucked up the test.

–Starbucks, Greenwich Village

Overheard by: Big Larry

Female student #1: Yeah, I think I'd sleep with a guy just so he wouldn't kill me. It'd be pity sex.
Female student #2: That's not pity sex, that's rape!

–Columbia University Library

Overheard by: MizBehavior

Latin teacher: I don't think [Catullus] is exactly calling her a five-cent ho.
Student: Haha, he said ho!

–Packer Collegiate

Overheard by: Fred S.