White People

Wednesday One-Liners Are Really Fucking Sorry about Slavery, Okay?

20-ish white girl to friends: Guys, sometimes I just feel like the only white girl in the city…

–Fulton St

Overheard by: other white girls

Hobo peering in from sidewalk: Ain’t nothin’ but white people all up in this motherfucker! This shit is racist, yo!

–Garden of Eden, 107th & Broadway

Overheard by: Bubby

Black girl on cell: He fucked a white girl? He fucked a white girl?! How stupid is he? You know if you fuck a white girl you gotta get her consent and then sign a contract!

–PATH platform

Angry black traveler on cell: Do you know how long it takes me to get to JFK from my place?! I’m surrounded by crackers! I. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Here. Crackers all starin’ at me… I dunno what they’re lookin’ at.

–JFK

Overheard by: Not A Cracker But Staring Anyway

Old white guy at Cirque du Soleil show, to daughter: Is this primarily a white thing? I guess that’s why I don’t like this show. I’ve got too much soul for this.

–Madison Square Garden

Drunk black lesbian: I am not racist in any way. I believe that it’s something that’s taught and passed down from your parents. I am not a racist… but what’s up with white people?!

–D train

When Worlds Politely Collide

Gangsta #1: You guys have any weed?
White hippie: No, sorry. We have some booze coming soon, though.
Gangsta #2: Booze? What the hell?
Gangsta #1: Drinks, you dumbass… [To hippie] That’s cool, that’s cool.
White hippie: Have a good one!

–Central Park

Overheard by: LSB

The Basic Premise of Every Real World Season to Date

White girl dressed like a thug: Yo, reality’s on the line!
White girl dressed like a skeleton: And it says that you’re a racist!

–East Campus, Columbia University

Overheard by: Nia

What Does Being Farsighted Have to Do with Anything?

White guy, about pretty black chick passerby: Yo, why do black girls always look at you but not me?
Black guy: Same reason why you piss close to the urinal and I gotta stand a foot away.

–35th & 6th

Overheard by: Hispanic guy who stands 8 inches away

I Mean, He’s Wearing Bermuda Shorts and Knee Socks!

Black guy, popping white friend’s collar: Man, what’d I tell you about that?
White friend, putting it down: But I don’t want to.
Girl: Leave him alone — he ain’t ready for that yet.

–NYU Kimmel Building

Her Name’s Shannon, I Think?

White teen: Can I get you anything else, sir?
Black man, eating: I don’t mean to sound racist, but can I get me some more of that white meat?

–All Souls Soup Kitchen

Overheard by: phia

There Are Black People in Connecticut?

White boy: I’d never be intimidated by the black people in Connecticut after spending a few days here.
White girl: You think the black people here are intimidating?
White boy: Like, I’d walk up to a couple black guys at home after being here and just be like, ‘Excuse me,’ if they were standing in my way.

–Lafayette & Claussen

Let’s Sit Far, Far Apart

Black guy #1: Yes, well, we look alike because we’re fraternal twins.
Black guy #2: Yeah, you didn’t know we were brothers?
White guy: Everyone said you guys were brothers, but I figured they meant ‘brothas’ and not actual brothers.
Black guy #1: Oh… Okay. Hey, look, we’re at Shea.

–LIRR, Shea Stadium

Fucking Metrosexuals Ruin My Mocking Buzz

Pointing hobo: Your zipper! Hahaha!
Whitey: It’s a button fly.
Hobo: Goddamn. Second time today…

–Flushing & Portland, Navy Yard, Brooklyn

Recently-Divorced Men

Impatient, middle-aged Caribbean woman in bathroom line: There should be more women’s rooms.
Equally impatient 20-ish woman: Yeah, I know… It’s because men designed these buildings.

–JFK

Overheard by: Nina

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