Wednesday One-Liners: the Best of Cities and the Worst of Cities

Guy: Yeah, he has this obsession with white weasels. It’s just very New York, you know?

–23rd & 8th

Overheard by: Kate

White Girl: I’m leaving this city, it’s all just bed bugs and bad drugs.

–Queensboro Plaza

Overheard by: Zach

Prudish waitress, to another: In New York, you just come to expect cock-on-cock, ass-on-ass talk… In DC, you don’t.

–1 Train

Student to friend: You play the paranoid freak, I will play the egomaniac. We will call it "New York".

–49th & 1st

Thug #1 to Thug #2, while observing typical, plain, Midwest vacationing family getting off a tour bus: Get back on that bus! This New York! You can’t handle this shit! [Teenage kids smile. The father, absolutely horrified, grabs the kids and throws them back on the bus.]

–42nd St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Bunk Moreland

Posted on April 16, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Compare/Contrast, Drugs, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Names, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Only in New York, Sexuality, Street, Students, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Theater & Dance, Threats, Thugs, Tourism, Travel, U.S. Geography, Waitresses, Weirdness, White People, Words

…And He Keeps Tripping Over the Hems

Middle-aged white guy: … Yeah, well, Stan hurt himself.
Younger black guy: Well, he be wearin dresses and shit…

–Fulton St

Overheard by: Ruru

Posted on April 15, 2008
Black People, Clothing, Default, Guys, Sexuality, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, White People

Seeing as How You Have Free Will and All

Goatee-sporting man: …AND GOD HUMBLED HIMSELF AND BECAME ONE OF US…AND HE GAVE US FREE WILL…
Middle aged white woman: Yeah… Ummm, can you take this somewhere else?

–E train

Posted on April 1, 2008
Comebacks, Default, God, God Squad, Men, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Preachers, White People, Wishes & desires, Women

You Know, If the Developing World Can’t Keep Track of Itself, What Chance Do the Rest of Us Have?

Filipino girl #1: So, he’s from Bangladesh, right?
White guy: Really? Are you sure? ‘Cause he looks white…
Filipino girl #2: Yeah, but he’s really Filipino. Bangladesh is in Asia, right?
Filipino girl #1: Yeah, but not our part, which is why he doesn’t look completely white like me.

–1 train

Posted on March 29, 2008
Asians, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, On the Subway, Questions, Race, White Asians, White People

Uncle Tom’s Wednesday One-Liners

Short, fat sista: If she was only around my age, then I wouldn’t mind a slave for life.

–27th & 7th

Overheard by: tuna on rye

White guy in scrubs: Wow. Now I know what it felt like to be in the bottom of a slave ship.

–Crowded Franklin Ave 2/3/4/5 platform, Brooklyn

Overheard by: pmd

Punk girl to friend: I’m going to make him my Ukrainian sex slave!

–N 4th St & Driggs Ave

Overheard by: Hipsterrrrrs

Dude: Yeah, well, let me say this in English — she got arrested for selling people…

–Madison Square Garden

Black girl watching Asian girl mop floor: Slavery is back!

–NYFA, Union Square

Overheard by: kswin

Posted on March 19, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Default, Doctors, Fat People, Foreigners, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, History & Geography, Madison Square Garden, Penn Station, Punks, S&M, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, White People, Women

Two Thumbs Up for Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not gonna lie to you — I’m broke, homeless, and I really wanna see Big Momma’s House 2. Please spare some change.

–F train

Overheard by: benny

20-ish chick: Why is Jason Bateman in a movie called Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium? This ruins all of my fantasies.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Diner: Yo, ‘hyena’ — I know how that’s spelled. H-Y-H-E-E-N-A. High-heena! I know that shit. I saw The Lion King.

–IHOP, Staten Island

Overheard by: explosivo

Ghetto white girl: She never even saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s until I lent it to her… Tryin’ to act like that’s her shit…

–B train

Young Socrates: Yo, son, Saw II is the ill philosophic reference.

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: fival went east

Flight attendant: Attention, passengers, please turn your attention to channel 30. Caddyshack is on!

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Erica: I quickly went to channel thirty

Posted on February 27, 2008
About Celebrities, Advice, Brooklyn College, Default, Flight Attendants, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Gossip, Gripes, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Idiots, LaGuardia Airport, Movies, On the Subway, Panhandling, Philosophy, Porn, Staten Island, Stupidity, White People, Words

Nor Does It Excuse My Sleeping with That Obese Guy

Asian chick: … And that’s the bar where I got roofied.
White chick: You didn’t get roofied! You got food poisoning!
Asian chick: Yeah, I know, but it doesn’t make for as good a story.

–W 4th & 6th

Posted on February 21, 2008
Asians, Default, Drugs, Food, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Lies, West Village, White People

Like Grab His Crotch?

White chick: Susan, stop pinching my ass!
Asian girl: I’m not doing anything!
White chick: Well, then who’s doing it?! [Sees hobo culprit behind them.] Oh my god, a bum is pinching my ass!
Asian girl: Should we do something?!

–Broadway

Posted on February 19, 2008
Asians, Ass, Default, Girlfriends, Girls, Gripes, Manhattan, Stupidity, White People

NewsFlash: New Yorker Has Principles. Film at 11.

Dreadlocked whitey on bike runs red light, almost getting struck by SUV.

Dreadlocked whitey: Hey! You almost hit me! Why don’t you watch where you’re going in that thing?!
Girl in SUV, out window: Jerkoff, you just went through a red light! I should have run you over on principle.

–34th & 3rd

Overheard by: Just trying to cross the street

Posted on February 16, 2008
Accidents, Default, Girls, Gripes, Idiots, Insults, Murray Hill and Gramercy, White People

Wednesday One-Liners Fought the Law and the Law Won

Annoyed white girl: That cop with the flashlight was, like, shining it on my ass! So I was like, ‘Stop! I know my congressional rights, bitch!’

–Bus from Live Earth to Port Authority

Overheard by: Kevin

20-ish guy on cell: Yeah… Yeah, I talked to the cops, too! I told them I would kick her fucking jaw in if I didn’t get my money! Ma… Yeah, Ma, you know I don’t care!

–Thompson St, between W 3rd & Bleecker

Overheard by: The Simian Space Man

Conductor over intercom: Either we can have a peaceful ride uptown, or the police can ride with us. You decide [laughs maniacally].

–2 train

Overheard by: Ladle

[Hippie on bicycle loses concentration and crashes into lamppost.]

Cop in nearby squad car, over loudspeaker: Hahaha! Should’ve been more careful, or what?!

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: Susan Laura

Chick: So, I’m up by Bryant Park, and there are all these cop cars lined up, and then one of them decides, ‘Okay, time to go!’ and he puts his siren on and pulls out, and all the rest of them following, all their sirens going whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop! And then I hear something that sounds like some guy going ‘whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop’ — like, he’s making siren noises — and I turn around, and there’s this cop… I guess the siren on his cop car wasn’t working or something, so he’s on the loudspeaker mic yelling, ‘Whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop!’ as they all zoom off down 42nd Street. It was crazy!

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on January 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Conductors, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Girls, Guys, Idiots, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Bus, On the Subway, The Village, Threats, White People, Words

White People