Black chick #1: When are we gonna take off?
Black chick #2: First we have to taxi down to the runway. Then we have to wait our turn. Then we go real fast ’til we get airborne. I know aviation, bitch.

–JetBlue flight to Ft. Lauderdale

Overheard by: Big Larry

Pilot: We’re on our way to New York where the weather is cold and icy, just like my prom date back in high school.

–Jet Blue flight 114 from Ft. Lauderdale to JFK

Flight attendant announcing boarding call: If you have given up your seat on this flight, please do not board the plane.


United Airlines employee on PA: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to use the last‐one‐on‐is‐a‐rotten‐egg method of boarding here.


Overheard by: Hour‐and‐a‐Half Delayed

Pilot, as the seatbelt sign goes off: All rise.

–Airtran flight from Atlanta to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Debbie Kate

Stewardess: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention I would very much appreciate it. My parents paid thousands of dollars to put me through college for a theater arts and communications degree, and since this is the only time the airline ever puts a microphone in my hand, I’m sure they would really appreciate it, too.

–United flight from LaGuardia to Chicago

Overheard by: Ellen

Airline representative: Paging La… La‐gua‐ti‐ne Pu‐ra‐na‐ma‐te? Paging… Eh, I know I messed that one up. If your name rhymes with the one I just said or it sounds at all like yours, please come to the desk.


Overheard by: Delayed

Pilot: Why, hello, everyone! This is your captain, Bud Howard, and your copilot, Harvey the Rabbit. The FCC or FCA… Some fancy organization told me to tell you that I have to show you a very low‐budget and entertaining movie on how to act on a United flight. Basically, if you’ve been around the past 50 years you know how to put on a seatbelt. You can’t be jumpin’ up and down like a jimmy‐cricket, and the sooner you watch it the sooner I can push this big mother. Lastly, my young Jedi here says he’ll fly us so I’m going to take a little nap while our copilot does everything. Relax. Anyone doesn’t know what I said, find the nearest southerner and ask for a translation.


Overheard by: this one goes out to dan cao

Pilot: We are now arriving in at JFK airport in New York City, home of the Yankees.
Met fan: That’s not right…(yelling) What about the Mets?
Pilot: No one cares.
Rest of passengers: (cheering)

–Jet Blue Flight

Baggage handler #1: The flight from Bombay is delayed.
Baggage handler #2: I’ll have the Lysol ready to spray them down.

–JFK International Arrivals Terminal 3

Middle‐aged man: The hell makes you think I’m following you?
MILF with baby: Oh, I dunno. Maybe because every time I turn around, you’re standing there with that stupid, constipated look on your face!


Overheard by: Sketch

Flight attendant to woman who has just placed her bird on her arm before take off: Ma’am, I’m going to need you to secure that bird before we begin taxiing.
Bird lady: But it is secure. Aren’t you, peaches? You like it out here, don’t you?
Flight attendant: Please just secure the bird, ma’am.

–Runway, JFK

Overheard by: escaping to vegas

Airline employee #1: No, they wanted a rabbi who could dance…
Airline employee #2: I think he’s a pedophile.

–JFK Terminal 8

Overheard by: lupos

Male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, JetBlue welcomes you to the city which all other cities are reflections of… welcome to New York.


Overheard by: SJK

Pilot over loudspeaker: Alright folks, get into your seats quickly. You don’t have to love the person next to you and this ain’t a furniture store.


Overheard by: Allie

Witty flight attendant: And in case that you have not been in a car since 1962, I will now demonstrate how seatbelts work.


Flaming flight attendant: In the event of a sudden change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. If this should occur, you may scream, then place the mask over your mouth and nose…


JetBlue pilot: I hope you all enjoyed the flight. If you have any questions, please e‑mail them to the Continental Airlines e‑mail. Thank you for flying JetBlue.


Overheard by: lonely passenger

Three‐year‐old girl: Daddy, I like flying.
Father: Why is that, honey?
Three‐year‐old girl: I like looking at the clouds. They are god’s house.

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Heather

Girl: I saw that movie when it came out, The Passion of the Christ.
Grandma: What movie?
Girl: The Passion of the Christ. You haven’t heard of it?
Grandma: Yes, but I’m not interested in watching it. Mel Gibson produced it.
Girl: Oh. So it’s a principle thing.
Grandma: No. It’s an I‑don’t‐like douchebaginess thing.

–JFK Airport