Wednesday One-Liners, by Calvin Klein

Girl yelling to friend across street: Hey, guess what? I smelled it! I smelled it from here!

–Fordham University

Blonde on cell: So, I just took my hair down, and all I smelled was Dove and crack.

–JFK

Overheard by: spanky

Man to no one: It smells like my ex-wife in here!

–Highline Ballroom

Hootchie on cell: No joke — it smelled ripe down there. I be all, ‘Jimmy… D-A-M-N! I’m too busy gagging from the smell to gag on your bits.’

–W Broadway

Girl crying on cell to boyfriend: How could you fuck her?! Her pussy stinks!

–Union Square

Overheard by: SplendidConfusion

Thug on cell: Yo, I’m sure she smells better now, bro!

–Harlem Meer, Central Park

Overheard by: mj

Posted on January 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Cleanliness, Cocaine, Fordham, Girls, Gripes, Hootchies, JFK Airport, Manhattan, Men, On Cell, Scents of the City, Sex, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Vagina

Why Iced?

Guy #1: How bad are the bathrooms?
Guy #2: Picture beef jerky and iced tea.

–Madison Square Garden

Posted on January 10, 2008
Cleanliness, Guys, Madison Square Garden

Portrait of the Diva As a Young Girl

Little boy: If you fell down and I saved you, would you love me?
Little girl: Nigga, please — I don’t want yo’ dirty-ass hands touchin’ my dress.

–B train

Overheard by: LSB

Posted on December 25, 2007
Cleanliness, Insults, Kids, On the Subway

Let’s Hope She Finds the Coathangers Next Time

Chick changing baby on bedding display: Do we need to buy this pillow now?
Hubby: Did he shit on it?
Chick: I don’t think.
Hubby, smelling pillow: S’all good.
Chick, holding dirty diaper and wipes: Where’s that shelf with the trash cans?

–Target, Queens

Headline by: Redneck Jedi

Runners-Up:
· “Mentioning Britney Spears Would Just Be Too Easy” – chelsea
· “Over There, Under the Security Cameras” – Katy
· “Over by That Sense Of Decency You Apparently Can’t Afford.” – Beryl
· “The New York Native Living Off The Land” – harris
· “Wait.. for the Baby or the Diaper..?” – Mike N.
· “Where Do They Think They Are? WalMart?” – Bill

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on December 3, 2007
Cleanliness, Couples, Headline Contest Winners, Queens

Especially the Poon

NYU drama queen #1: I mean, we’re smearing pollen all over him… It’s going to be sticky.
NYU drama queen #2: What are we using for that?
NYU drama queen #1: Corn starch. We were going to use Tang, but that would stain everything…

–E 9th & Ave A

Overheard by: Bailey

Posted on November 8, 2007
Cleanliness, Students, Union Square and East Village

And Neither Will Thousands of YouTube Viewers

Older drunk, tightly hugging young guy: … And don’t think I’m gonna forget. When that happened, who gave me new underwears and washed my ass?
Younger guy, trying to get away: Man, just forget about that!
Older drunk: No! I’m not gonna forget about that!

–Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Posted on October 13, 2007
Ass, Assholes, Brooklyn, Cleanliness, Clothing, Compliments, Creepsters, Drunks, Men, Nice People, Old People

What with the Blood on Them

Chick #1: What right did he have to touch me?!
Chick #2: None! Fucking pervert.
Chick #1: I don’t understand… Was the ‘Fuck off’ sign on my forehead not enough for him? … God, is there a bathroom around here? I really need to wash my hands now.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Amused

Posted on October 7, 2007
Cleanliness, Friends, Girls, Harassment, Insults, Penn Station

It Leered at Me and Gave Me the Finger

Tourist hubby to wifey who jumped up from taking a seat: What happened?
Tourist woman, disgusted: I just saw some dirt!

–4 train

Posted on October 6, 2007
Cleanliness, Couples, Gripes, Idiots, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Tourists

Wednesday Blood-Liners

British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.

–1 train

Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!

–Bronx Science engineering class

Overheard by: LSB

Suit on cell: Why isn’t it done? Why isn’t it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?

–41st & Broadway

Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.

–1 train

Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.

–Mulberry St

Overheard by: Ashley

Teen chick on cell: I’m going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I’m going to cut it off! Yes! I’m going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you… Yes! I! Am! Well, I can’t think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: still recovering

Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Oh My God

Posted on July 4, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Ass, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Bronx Science, Business and Commerce, Classroom, Cleanliness, Clothing, Crazies, Death, Family Ties, Foreigners, Girlfriends, Hobos, Little Italy, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Port Authority, School, School and studying, Science, Staten Island Ferry, Students, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Bronx, Vomit

Cleanliness