Dads

Wednesday One-Liners Want You to Know About the Size of Their Bank Accounts

Yuppie on cell (trying to be discreet): Hey mom. Are you busy? Could you Google Maps me? I'm on Houston and West Broadway. Yeah, I didn't want to ask anyone for directions and make a fool of myself. Although I'm pretty sure I just did, because half of this coffee shop is looking at me now.

–W Houston

Overheard by: Let's face it, we were all new at one point.

40-something yuppie woman: And then I realized that my biggest problem in life is that most of the time I'm incredibly happy, but I'm not aware of how happy I am.

–81st & Madison

Yuppie dad to seven-year-old daughter: Now when you start buying iPods, that's when you're going to want to have a Visa card.

–Stanton & Christie

Overheard by: Ross

Three-year-old yuppie spawn: Noooooooooooo! I don't want Pad Thai! I want sushi!

–Dice Thai, Prospect Park

Overheard by: I'll take sushi too but you're payin', kid

That Happens When We Borrow Money from China

Tourist son: Wow, is this high school?
Tourist dad: Yup, you gotta be like Asian to go here.

–Stuyvesant High School

I Don't Know, You Keep Changing Your Fucking Story

Small giggly daughter: Daddy, do lions drink soda?
Father: Yes.
Small giggly daughter: Daddy, lions don't drink soda!
Father: No, they don't. Soda's bad for you…don't you know that, sweetie?

–D Train

Overheard by: Caitlin

Headline by: Emily Leonard

Runners-Up:
· “Children Get Confused When Their Daddies Are Always Lion” – Matt Wozniski
· “Fanta Bad…Antelope Good” – Edmond “The Lurch” Kida
· “Here, Hold on to Daddy’s Cigarettes Like a Good Little Girl” – Katoe
· “Mastering Her Psychic Powers, Little Susie Soon Ruled the World” – Nick Pollotta
· “Nick Pollotta’s Got This Rigged” – psh
· “There Goes the Narnia Product Placement Deal” – Baby
· “This Would Be Funny If He Didn’t Have Alzheimer’s” – Muse on the Loose

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

But How Will I Know if They’ll Fit Me?

Little boy, pointing to lacy panties: Daddy, I want some of those!
Dad: Son, when you’re older, girls are gonna be throwing you their panties.

–Victoria’s Secret

She Reminds Me So Much of Her Mother

Cash register guy: Yo man, how you doing? I saw your daughter walk past here yesterday. She was with some new dude.
Bagel customer: Really?
Cash register guy: Yeah, I never saw her with this guy before.
Bagel customer: Yeah, I don’t really keep track of her.
Cash register guy: Yeah man, she’s always with a different guy. I never see her with the same guy twice. You know, one day I saw her two times in an afternoon, and she was hangin’ all over a different guy each time. Two in the same day, you know?
Bagel customer: I don’t control what she does.

–87th & 1st

Overheard by: K. Fung

Interestingly, Not All Were Bad Motherfuckers

Guido father to daughter and her gay friend: He was a real cocksucker… (realizes gay friend might be offended) But you know…not in the, uh, bad way.
Gay friend: Oh, believe me, I've met plenty of bad cocksuckers.

–LIRR

Overheard by: bill

Parenthood: The Watered-Down Version.

Father: Do you know how to say “river” in Spanish?
Daughter: Uhhhhh…
Father: It's “rio”
Daughter: Rio… Dia-rio!

–F Train

Why Dad Has His Own Place Now

Dad: Where did Daddy sleep when he was home?
Kids: On the bed.
Dad: No. I slept on the couch, and it was not comfortable.

–Pizzeria, 43rd & 10th

Because There Ain’t No Dream Houses in Bayside

Tennage Daughter: Would you stop, you are not a barbie girl.
Dad: Yes I am!
Teenage Daughter: No, you aren’t.
Dad: How do you know?

–Bayside

Overheard by: Kristen

Swirl Was Always My Favorite Kind Of Soft-Serve Ice Cream

Black hobo to young tourist couple with baby: Mmmmmmmmmmm… That's a nice lookin' baby! You must've done good that night… or morning. (laughs)
Father: Uh… haha… yeah.
Black hobo: I need to find me a white lady so I can make me a Barack Obama. Mmm-hmm!

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Emily

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