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JAP getting off at Berkeley Heights: I was getting anxious about getting anxious! It was like I had anxiety about getting anxiety! What? No, the pills aren’t for that. Shut up, Mom! I’ll call you later.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: embarrassed to live in jersey

JAP on cell: You know, it just goes to show you how sensitive we’ve become in this country to sexual misconduct and sexual… Sexual… What’s the word? Being sued.

–116th & Broadway

JAP on cell: … And then I totally just, like, bought it at Bergdorf’s… No, no! Not Bloomingdale’s — Bergdorf’s! You know, as in Bergdorf Cohen’s?

–serendipipty

Blonde JAP: Like, this is totally tighter than my colonoscopy. Ugh!

–Crowded A train

JAP on cell: Oh, that guy? I think he lost interest in me. One day I said something about how all the girls on the Upper East Side look the same and are totally boring, and he said, ‘But yeah! That’s you, too!’

–83rd & 3rd

Overheard by: A&M

Father to son: Well, I guess she’ll just have to become a stripper…

–Times Square

Overheard by: Lezbitron

Girl on phone: I guess we should go ahead with the strippers and do it.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: MG

Middle-aged woman: I don’t know. I mean, can you put a 20 in the G-string?

–Metro-North, Harlem Line

Frat boy: Hey, man, belly dancers ain’t strippers. I learned that the hard way.

–AMC Theaters, Lincoln Center

Girl to pal: Well, where do you want your ashes spread? A strip club?

–12th & 3rd

Overheard by: Talia

Blonde: Wait, are you Jewish?
Brunette: No. I’m Colombian.

–96th & 5th

Bimbette #1, reading subway ad: ‘Sleeping with your baby is dangerous, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.’ Hahaha!
Bimbette #2: I’m pretty sure sleeping with your baby is bad no matter what.
Bimbette #3: Except that in, like, every other country besides the United States everyone sleeps on the floor, like, on their mat, with their baby next to them.

–1 train

Overheard by: inge

Australian guy, shocked at pixie chick peeing on nearby steps: Does that girl not have her pants on?!
Australian girl, unaware: What? [Both turn to stare.]
Pixie chick’s guy friend: Yes, that’s right! She’s peeing!

–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st Ave & Ave A

Overheard by: justin

Drive-thru customer: Can I have a medium fries and a medium Coke?
Counter girl: We don’t got a medium Coke.
Customer: Okay… Um… Can I have a large Coke?
Counter girl: We don’t got no large Coke either!
Customer: Ummm…
Counter girl: We got no small, medium or large Coke, and no small, medium or large Sprite!
Customer: Oh… You’re out of Coke. Okay… No drink, then.
Counter girl: I tol’ you, we out of Coke! What do you want to drink?
Customer: Ummm… Nothing?
Counter girl: We got nothing. Your total is $2.35. Drive around.

–Wendy’s, Rockaway

Overheard by: christine

Fag hag: Give me your left hand. I’m getting a tattoo right here.
Queer: Oooh! Of what?
Fag hag: A cross.
Queer: Sexy!

–Fordham University Ram Van

Overheard by: Ali McE

Spanish teacher, reading student’s homework: What?! What is this?! Novia? You’re going to ride your girlfriend?
Student: Doesn’t that mean ‘ferris wheel’?

–Stuyvesant High

Overheard by: No, he meant girlfriend

Little girl: Mommy, I have a headache.
Mom: Well, maybe we should just get you some sake.
Little girl: What?
Mom: I mean tea. Hot tea.

–Grey’s Art Museum

Girl: Wait, you know I got hit by a car, right?
Guy: What?!
Girl: Yeah, it happened the other day.
Guy: What happened?
Girl: Oh, I was just walking across the street and then this car came and hit me, and I fell down. This lady watching was all, ‘Oh my god, I thought you were dead, but then you got up.’ It was totally embarrassing.
Guy: Don’t you mean traumatic?
Girl: Well, that too. I mean, my skirt flew up when I fell…

–Stuyvesant High