Food

Wednesday One-Liners from H-E Double Hockey Sticks

Guy looking at books, to no one in particular: I don’t want to hear or see anything about the devil, demons, voodoo or big hairy black guys.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: 153

Guy hawking pamphlets: How to sucker punch the devil right in the ass!

–W 12th & Brodway

Overheard by: Why didn’t I get that pamphlet?!

Coworker about colleague: Every time he comes by here the number 666 comes up.

–1250 Broadway

Punk kid, walking past a group of nuns: Hail Satan!

–Waverly & Greene

Professor: I don’t want to be saved, I want to go to hell. I’ll meet interesting people there!

–Cooper Union, Astor Place

Overheard by: Hopefully not me!

Crazy older lady screaming on cell: You what? You are buying soda? You are going to go to fucking hell! Don’t you remember the promise you made to god? You’re probably standing in line with some goddamn candy too. You are going to hell!

–W Train

Overheard by: DR G LUV

For Some Reason, I Keep Ordering Things That Aren't On It

Friend #1: So how is your husband?
Friend #2: For some reason I keep on sleeping with his best friend.
Friend #1: What!
Friend #2: Yeah girl…I'm leaving him. So what do you want to order from the menu?

–Restaurant Queens

How Do You Keep That Slim, Malnourished Figure?

Female suit #1: So, we have time before the next meeting; should we talk over lunch?
Female suit #2: Sure, you’re the food maven — you pick.
Female suit #1: Any suggestions?
Female suit #2: I don’t eat much. Just coffee and yogurt.
Female suit #1: You only eat coffee and yogurt?
Female suit #2: Yeah….Oh, sometimes i eat sushi.
Female suit #1: Oh! Let’s do sushi!
Female suit #2: Perfect! I love sushi!

–MTV buidling, Times Square

What Good Is Money If It Can’t Insulate Me from Other People?

Hobo: I have not eaten anything in three days and it’s freezing out. Could you find it in your heart to help me out?
Chick: I won’t give you money, but I will go into that deli and buy you dinner.
Hobo: Thank you so much. But I’m Jewish and if you don’t mind, I would really like a kosher sandwich from Mendy’s.
Chick: Oh, forget it — here’s five bucks!

–34th & Park

Dad Ordered the T-mobile Steak (You Get More)

Tween chick #1: So when we went to Canada, we had deer.
Tween chick #2: Really? Doesn’t it have a special name too?
Tween chick #1: Yeah. Verizon, like the phones.

–M14 bus

Overheard by: Melissa

Logs of Wednesday One-liners

Guy: You know, we really should do something with all that driftwood we brought back from Canada.

–West Elm furniture, DUMBO

Overheard by: Ashley

The husband scoops dog shit in a clear plastic bag, swings it around and calls out to his wife: Hey, Marla! Ya hungry? Hot fudge, fresh from the oven!

–Prince St. between Thompson & West Broadway

Which, Luckily, is Self-Propelled, as Seen in Ghostbusters 2

Woman, talking about the Italian feast in Williamsburg: And they have games and rides and food. And at the end of the week they get strong men together to carry the statue.
Tourist: The Statue of Liberty?

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: just the driver

Just the Cigarette- and Penis-Shaped Ones, Then?

Mother: And I got you some of those little erasers that look like potpies and sushi and stuff, apparently all the kids collect them and trade them these days.
Daughter: Mom, you are aware that I'm 23?

–Penn Station

Almost As Often As He Gets Fired

Girl: Ah! there’s a cockroach under the table.
Guy: Where are you going?
Girl: Leaving. I’ll be outside. Just pay the tab.
Guy: Okay.
Waiter: …Hey, where’d your date go?
Guy: She saw a cockroch and bolted.
Waiter: Yeah, we get that a lot.

–Patsy’s Pizza, University Place

Overheard by: Luke

Wednesday One-Liner's Last Dance with Mary Jane

Professor: We will talk about the JDC–the American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee. And no, they were not dispensing marijuana.

–Queens College

Overheard by: ShaniP

Trashy JAP on cell: So I told her I was selling, and that bitch was like, "Katrina, for how much?" And I was like "Oh my god, mom, it doesn't matter how much the weed is going for, all that matters is the quality!"

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: penelope

Random stranger to teens: You want to buy some weed? Just come back to my mom's house!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Rhian

College student on cell: Mom, you've got to stop smoking so much weed. I mean, fuck!

–Time Square

Random dude on street: I got it all! Liquor, alcohol, marijuana, Chips Ahoy! I got it!

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Lagster

Street vendor: Prada bags, Louis Vuitton bags, Gucci bags, marijuana bags… (everyone looks over at him) Hey, I gotta make money somehow.

–Times Square

Overheard by: mary jane

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