Friends

Wednesday One-Liners Get a Reltney

Hipster girl: And he's always like, "oh god, I'm so hard!" and I'm always just like, "really?"

–Kimmel Cafeteria, NYU

Loud passenger: I'm so horny I'd fuck a potato right now.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: fingerling

Guy: I've had a hard-on all day! I need to polish my lid.

–Hard Rock Cafe

Bearded hipster to another, on blanket in the park: Like, I could have sex eight times in a day and still come here and get a boner.

–McCarren Park, Williamsburg

Overheard by: kalbijim

Girl to guy friend: Did you just get a boner while we're talking about Mexicans and drowning?

–Williamsburg

…Delicious but Deadly

Guy to friends sitting on steps: Anyone want any chips?
(distributes snack chips)
Friend: Hey! What flavor of chips are these? They taste like paint smells!
Guy: Paint chips.

–Union Square

Overheard by: akb427

All Women Are Beautiful, If You Know How to Look

Girl: But she’s so pretty.
Guy: So are you! And she’s not that pretty.
Girl: No… Really?
Guy: Well, she’s a whore.
Girl: I’m pretty?

–1 train

Overheard by: She’s not actually pretty

Neither Fitty nor Mrs. Cent Could Be Reached for Comment

Overloud teenager #1: You know what I figured out? All this shit we’re listening to now… When we’re older that shit’s gonna be old school.
Overloud teenager #2: Huh?
Overloud teenager #1: That Fitty track. When we’re… older and shit, it’s gonna be old school. Shit’s gonna be old school.
Overloud teenager #2: I don’t get it.

–Uptown 1 Train

I Was Born a Wednesday, but I Identify With One-Liners

Guy to girlfriend and friend: Goddammit, neither one of you is a gay man trapped in a woman's body.

–8th & 9th

Overheard by: cracking up

Girl on cell: Are all she-males gay? Cause if they're into women, sign me up.

–Astor Place

Teen on cell: Dudes have, like, purses here…

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Al-master

Guy to friend: She's not a tranny, but she's, y'know: tran-y.

–Grand St & Bedford Ave

Overheard by: KateM

Man on cell: You and I are both complex women. It's more complicated than that.

–21st St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Ben

Me: OMG! WTF? Him: Buh-Bye.

Chick: Do you know how I finally realized I was over him?
Friend: How?
Chick: In the past five years this was the first time I didn’t print out our AIM conversation.
Friend: Wow, that’s great.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Trace

How Was There Pussy Talk at Barton?

Guy: I’m tellin’ ya, if a girl’s bathroom is dirty, that means that
her pussy ain’t too clean, too.
Girl #1: Well, I have a clean bathroom.
Girl #2: Well, I’d be surprised if you said you have a dirty bathroom
after this conversation.

–David Barton gym, West 23rd Street

I’ll Have My Secretary Do It

30-something guy to group: So yeah, I mean my ex-wife found out I bought a new car, a Benz, and that my new girlfriend was driving around in it. So she got all pissy and told me to buy her a car. So I bought her the shittiest Toyota I could find at the used car lot. No joke, this thing is a death trap. I hope she burns alive in it.
Friend: Um, don’t you have kids?
30-something guy: Yeah, so?
Friend: Doesn’t your ex-wife drive the kids?
30-something guy: Oh fuck me, now I have to tell her that I tried to kill her.

–Metro North Train

Overheard by: Just Trying to Sleep…

Without Politics, There’d Be a Lot More Switch-Hitting

Queer: I should have gotten her number for you, but at the bar last night this woman walked in… She was seriously hot. Like, seriously. And I’m pretty sure the breasts were real.
Friend: But you’re gay.
Queer: Yeah, but I would have considered going straight for her. That’s how hot she was.

–NYU

Overheard by: Elizabeth

I Can Never Tell When You’re Being Sarcastic

Girl: Why don’t you just make a list of all the girls you want to fuck and their qualities for me, so I can take notes?
Boy: … Like, bullet points, or can I use full sentences?

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Jesse

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