Friends

I’ll Have My Secretary Do It

30-something guy to group: So yeah, I mean my ex-wife found out I bought a new car, a Benz, and that my new girlfriend was driving around in it. So she got all pissy and told me to buy her a car. So I bought her the shittiest Toyota I could find at the used car lot. No joke, this thing is a death trap. I hope she burns alive in it.
Friend: Um, don’t you have kids?
30-something guy: Yeah, so?
Friend: Doesn’t your ex-wife drive the kids?
30-something guy: Oh fuck me, now I have to tell her that I tried to kill her.

–Metro North Train

Overheard by: Just Trying to Sleep…

Without Politics, There’d Be a Lot More Switch-Hitting

Queer: I should have gotten her number for you, but at the bar last night this woman walked in… She was seriously hot. Like, seriously. And I’m pretty sure the breasts were real.
Friend: But you’re gay.
Queer: Yeah, but I would have considered going straight for her. That’s how hot she was.

–NYU

Overheard by: Elizabeth

I Can Never Tell When You’re Being Sarcastic

Girl: Why don’t you just make a list of all the girls you want to fuck and their qualities for me, so I can take notes?
Boy: … Like, bullet points, or can I use full sentences?

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Jesse

That Makes 14th Street the Mason-Dixon

Girl: I’m going to have a boring weekend. I’m not really doing anything except one of my friends is guest bartending at this bar Coda on 34th street so I’m going to that.
Guy #1: I think I’ve been there.
Guy #2: Is that on the North or South side?
Girl: Oh I haven’t lived in New York to learn the New York lingo.
Guy #2: Well, there’s a North side and a South side of the street.

–43rd & 5th

Whoopi’s Much Scarier (Happy Halloween!)

Girl: We watched The Color Purple on friday night.
Guy: Oh god. How about when Oprah Winfrey comes through that cornfield?
Girl: No shit. Now I know who I’m going to be for Halloween.

–40th & 9th

Our New Public Service Announcement

Guy with lisp to friend: When I have outbreaks, they never have it, so I asked the guy at the gas station and he just bought a pack for me.
(friend mumbles something)
Guy with lisp: I have to walk miles to the gas station to get my herpes medication. My mom doesn't even know I have herpes, or that I used to have syphilis! Imagine having poison ivy on your knee, and it bursts, and there's pus. That's what it's like. Do you have herpes?
Friend, stupidly: Ha-huh. I don't know.
Guy with lisp: Did you fuck that chick Rachel?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp: Did you ride her rough?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp, shamelessly: You probably have herpes. I gave it to her about a month ago. We should talk more about who I've fucked and who I've given herpes to.

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: Fresca P.

Cerebral Cortex? No….

Sorority girl tourist #1, about photo of guy on camera phone: Look at this gluteus maximus.
Sorority girl tourist #2: Oooh, nice gluteus maximus. Hey, what’s with all the weird body part names, anyway? Gluteus maximus…
Sorority girl tourist #1: Vulva…

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: Dolores!

Maybe If You Shaved Her Balls?

Chick #1: I dunno, I’d be scared to have kids with Todd.
Chick #2: Why?
Chick #1: I mean, he’s an okay-looking guy and all, but can you imagine if a girl looked like him?

–15th & 5th

Overheard by: Manhattman

Not About C through F, Though.

Concerned man to friend: So, wait, does girl A know about girl B?
Friend, nonchalantly: Yeah.

–Fordham & Crotona

Sophie Pulls a Dubya

Lady following running friend: You’re going the wrong way!
Runner: So?! [Continues running.]

–Near Sidewalk Café

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