Black guy #1, to white posse passersby: I hate white people!
Black guy #2: Yo, you can’t say that — this is Park Slope!
Black guy #1: Fuck that — I am white.
Black guy #2: What, you mean by proxy or something?
–Union St & 4th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: One of the whiteys
Dude #1: They don’t give you condoms?
Dude #2: Naw, they don’t.
Dude #1: You serious, man? No condoms?!
Dude #2: Yeah, I’m serious — they don’t give out condoms!
Dude #1: Really… They don’t give you condoms in prison, huh?
Dude #2: Naw, man, not unless you have conjugal visits or somethin’.
–M11 bus
Preggers: So, are you going to change your phone number?
Baby daddy: Probably.
Preggers: Well, then how can I tell you about the appointments and such?
Baby daddy: You have three of my e-mail addresses.
Preggers: It’s not my responsibility to e-mail you when all of this stuff is.
Baby daddy: But you were going to text me when they were? What the fuck?! [Walks away.]
–Times Square
Overheard by: Bastard children rule!
Girl #1: She’s such a fucking bitch.
Girl #2: She’s such a motherfucking bitch.
Girl #1: Yeah, but she’s hot.
Girl #2: Yeah, she’s really fucking hot.
–7th & Ave A
Girl #1: Oh, look, they have yoga.
Girl #2: Yeah, but it’s all ‘Breathe in, breathe out.’ I hate that shit.
–Shake Shack line, Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Jacqui
Thug #1: Look at all them people with umbrellas.
Thug #2: They all a bunch of chumps.
Thug #1: The only reason they have umbrellas is peer pressure!
–45th & Lex
Overheard by: EthanK
Black woman with baby carriage to people trying to push in: What’s the matter with you mothafuckahs? Are the goddamn stairs broken?
Old black man: You take the stairs, bitch! I’m a veteran! I fought for my goddamn country, and now you won’t make room for me in a goddamn elevator?! [Doors close, leaving old black man out.]Black woman with baby carriage: Fuck his old ass. Women and children first.
–Civil Court, 141 Livingston St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Puerto Rican girl #1: I really hate the way she eats.
Puerto Rican girl #2: Yeah, but she’s Jamaican. You know how they are.
–Bergen St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Dumbfounded
Headline by: Gutterlush
Runners-Up:
· “At Least She Isn’t Dominican.” – Jon
· “Even Their Chickens Are Jerks.” – Howard Bannister
· “Psychic?” – Beryl
· “Racism! It’s What’s For Dinner” – Goldielox
· “You’re Just Jealous You Can’t Use Your Dreads As a Fork” – Chels
Guy to friend: Yo! I’m mad hungry! I want some anus! [Passengers stare.] … Awww, shit! I meant that shit from McDonald’s — angus! Angus!
–4 train
Enthusiastic queer: This train smells like McDonald’s! Someone’s being a chubby chicken!
–Queens-bound N train
Overheard by: Onion
Hobo: Just so you know, they don’t got liquor stores in heaven. They don’t got no McDonald’s, neither.
–1 train
Overheard by: Galen
Girl on cell: He’s obsessed with America’s Next Top Model… And he watches What Not to Wear… What? No… Mom, he said that McDonald’s fries are his weakness, but they go straight to his thighs! How much gayer do you need him to be?!
–Pratt Institute
Mom to crying kid in stroller: Well, if you don’t want McDonald’s, I don’t know what I can get you.
–207th & Broadway
Crazy hobo to passing Fordham students: Y’all crazy motherfuckers pay 40 grand a year to get a damn education. Y’all don’t need no education. Pay 40 grand to get me food! Hell, I’ll take four dollars! Look at me — I got no education, and I turned out just fine.
–Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: one of those mothafuckers
Wheelbo: I don’t care what they say, I promise you I’ll pay you back.
–Battery Park
Overheard by: MBS
Hobo: I need money for alcohol, drugs, and a hooker… Hey, at least I’m not bullshitting you.
–35th & 4th
Hobo, as girl nearby drops her Vogue: Oh, no! Somebody dropped their Torah!
–E train
Hobo, to passing suit: Hey, asshole, why don’t you get a job like everyone else, and stop taking my money?!
–34th & 8th
