Dad: You look pale.
Punk girl: Dad, I’m not a drug addict. Jesus, half of my friends are straight-edge and the other half have asthma.
–6th St & Ave A
Dad: You look pale.
Punk girl: Dad, I’m not a drug addict. Jesus, half of my friends are straight-edge and the other half have asthma.
–6th St & Ave A
Little boy: Mommy, you smell… You didn’t take a shower.
Mom: Honey, be quiet.
Little boy: But Mommy, you do smell.
Mom: Don’t be rude.
Little boy: But Mommy, you smell and didn’t take a shower.
–M98 bus
Feeble old man: I can’t believe she’s still smoking…
Bossy old lady: Of course she’s still smoking! She saw her husband die!
–Union Square
Overheard by: chicken fat
Boy: I was trying to tackle him, I just couldn’t get my– I just couldn’t get my hands around him. I just couldn’t squeeze his legs together… just couldn’t… I just couldn’t get my hands around. Oh! And there’s this kid, and we call him ‘Transfatty‘ because you don’t know whether he’s a boy or a girl, and he’s like, a fat kid and that’s why we made up this nickname for him — Transfatty!
Soccer dad: You don’t really call him that, do you?
–Elevator, 92nd & 3rd
Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It’s just never come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young anymore — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was going fine, but then I didn’t know you’re not supposed to shove it in that fast…
–14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Peter L
Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dildo, it’s a back massager from Duane Reade.
–Christopher & 7th
Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I’m all set!
–Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn
Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?
–6 train
Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!
–Victoria’s Secret dressing room
20-something guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!
–56th & 9th
Mother to friend: So, I had a hot flash the other day, and I was like, ‘Oh my god! Am I going through menopause?’ and–
Son: –Mom! What does ‘menopause’ mean? [Mother ignores him.] If you don’t tell me, I’ll yell it in public until you do!
–Starbucks
Anorexic teen girl #1: The other week, over Thanksgiving, my parents totally wanted to take me to the hospital. They thought I had a kidney infection or something!
Anorexic teen girl #2: Oh my god. That is so cool.
–Clearview Cinemas
Overheard by: Nettle
Girl #1: So I hear you’re single again.
Girl #2: Yeah, it’s great. I can stop shaving my ass!
–Outside Starbucks, Times Square
Headline by: Marsha Mellow
Runners-Up:
· “Donkey Breathes Sigh of Relief” – Mike Curry
· “Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Shorn” – Adrianne
· “It was the happiest day of Mother Teresa’s life.” – Dave
· “Oh, good, Oprah is back on the market!” – Anna
· “So easy, even a caveman can do it!” – waxes!
· “When she’s dating again she’ll cut it all off and donate it to cancer victims” – Peter B
· “You’re Not Gonna Stop Shaving Mine, Are You?” – Trey Jackson
Guy #1: Dude, I would never do heroin, that’s so whack.
Guy #2: What do you mean? It’s got, like, nine vitamins in it!
–E train, 34th St
Overheard by: Jatmos
The most flamingly queer man in history: I ain’t sittin’ down, I don’t wanna touch nothin’. This place is a cesspool.
Sexually ambiguous friend: Baby, you’ll take it bareback, bent over in a bar bathroom, but you won’t take a damn seat?
–C train
