Counter girl #1 : That’s that shit you gotta get — a douche.
Counter girl #2 : Nah, I don’t fuck around with that shit.
Counter girl #1 : No, but that’s what gets you tight again!
Counter girl #2 : Oh, then I definitely need to get me some of that!
–Duane Reade, 88th & Broadway
Overheard by: Evan
Calm mom to five-year-old: Please don’t lick your shoe.
Five-year-old: Mommy, can you wipe my mouth out?
Mommy: No, sweetie. We can’t wipe things out of our mouths. Honey, we don’t lick the bottoms of our shoes. It’s simply not the way we go about doing things. Do you understand that it’s not Mommy being mean? Look around. Do you see any other children’s mommies letting them lick their shoes? No, you don’t, because children who lick their shoes get sick and die.
Other five-year-old: I don’t lick my shoes!
–Murray & W Broadway
Teen girl: Man, I didn’t do anything this week to make me less sick.
Teen guy: Yeah, you smoked, drank, and sucked dick.
Teen girl: I didn’t drink.
–Starbucks
Overheard by: Bryan
Tall brunette: No — ovulating! There’s a difference between menstruating and ovulating.
Short brunette: I still don’t get it.
–Olive Garden
Guy: You know, I can never be in the Air Force.
Girl: Well, not really. There’s always the whole ‘Don’t tell’ thing.
Guy: But it’s on my record!
Girl: What? Did you have to file for your gay card or something?
Guy: … I meant because of my bad vision!
–Metro-North train
WASP #1: You look so tan!
WASP #2: Oh, no, it’s actually just high blood pressure.
WASP #3: Well, it sure suits you!
–Armory Show
Overheard by: Elizabeth
Girl on cell, smiling and laughing: Maybe because he’s a cripple!
–Pavilion Movie Theater
Overheard by: Jamie F
Running tween girl to friend: I’m going to give you breast cancer, you idiot!
–Times Square
Yuppie woman on cell and pushing empty wheelchair: Honey, guess what? I’m not a paraplegic anymore! No, seriously! Isn’t that great?!
–12th & 3rd
Suit on cell: You shouldn’t feel bad for the boy who cried uterine trouble.
–A train
Overheard by: Sue
Woman to street vendor: That’s the problem with my inverted uterus…
–Prince & Broadway
Overheard by: BT
Genius holding her breath to cure hiccups: Oh my god, I hate the hiccups. I mean, seriously. The hiccups are the most annoying thing ever. Like, if I had the choice of having cancer or the hiccups, I would choose cancer. I mean, I know people who’ve had cancer, and the hiccups are way more annoying.
–N train
Overheard by: jessica
Jersey chick to friend, after denying deaf panhandler: I mean, if he were missing a limb or something, that would be one thing…
–NJT train from Penn Station
Overheard by: gotta draw the line somewhere
20-ish guy: Your glasses can’t be bad, you just got them!
20-ish girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it’s really my own fault…
20-ish guy: … That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
20-ish girl: I can’t help it, I’m very competitive!
–Kim’s Video, St. Mark’s Pl
Columbia dude #1: B-b-but, but, dude, she asked me why I shaved my balls.
Columbia dude #2: Shhh!
–Lerner Hall, Columbia University
Headline by: Kris
Runners-Up:
· “…Next Time Don’t Walk Around Your Mom’s House Naked” – RBNY
· “A Secret Strong Enough For A Man, But Made For A Woman” – Vasyl
· “Best Job Interview Ever” – Rajath Vikram
· “Hopefully his hand doesn’t stutter like that when he’s shaving” – Peter B
· “Testicular Aerodynamics Under Fire” – Matt
Russian guy on cell: I went to see Saw III. Best movie ever — the girl in front of me fainted in the beginning of the movie! Five minutes into the movie she just fainted, and her boyfriend started calling for help. I called an ambulance, they took her away… That movie was awesome!
–Brooklyn-bound Q train
Overenthusiastic male student: Oh! I met Borat! He goes to NYU, right?
–Hunter College
Guy to everyone in theater: Shhh, I’m recording this!
–Movie theater, Court St, Brooklyn
Blonde: Yeah, so I watch Brokeback Mountain like it’s my Bible. I hang on every word, ’cause I really want to know how gay people talk.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Stina
Guy on cell: 28 Days was just stupid. Zombies aren’t like that. Dawn of the Dead is the most realistic portrayal of zombies I’ve ever seen!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Philip Niosi
Chick to hipsters: I did my first autopsy to The Wizard of Oz.
–The Village, near Mulberry
Overheard by: DC Diva
