Man #1: Hey, man, how’s your mom doing? I hear she’s kinda sick.
Man #2: Yeah, she’s not doing so well. She lost her second leg.
Man #1: What? She lost another one?
Man #2: Yeah, son. She called me the other day because she couldn’t find it. I went to her house and looked everywhere for it, but nothing, son… Nothing. It’s fucked up, you know what I’m saying?
Man #1: Yeah, son. That’s some fucked up shit. Damn, son.
–Atlantic & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: MS
Lady on cell: I’m not high maintenance — I just brush my teeth!
–F train
Overheard by: AmityAmity
Big guy on cell: My son swore to us when he was 15 that he would name his first child Toofbrush. He’s 21 now and I remind him of that every day… Who the hell knows? Every time I searched his room I found enough pot to cure the whole world’s glaucoma.
–JetBlue flight 11
Overheard by: Big Larry
Woman on cell: So, wait… The plastic surgeon had his teeth removed?
–12th & 1st
Overheard by: Grace
Girl on cell: I think I forgot my toothpaste at home. Can you mail it to me tomorrow?
–LIRR
Overheard by: Meg
Woman: In 25 minutes you can bake 24 cupcakes. In that time you can take a shit or brush your teeth.
–Apartment 138, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Hmmm… do I still want those cupcakes?
Junkie to stoned girlfriend: Yo, you lucky I know somethin’ ’bout teeth or else you woulda ain’t had no teeth left. I woulda put a shot in yo’ mouth, I woulda took out all yo’ teeth, and put a box in yo’ mouth.
–1 train
Overheard by: Lauren Marks
Lady: You did things to me while I was sleeping! The truth will come out! … Can I have a cigarette?
–74th & Ridge Blvd
Conductor: There is no smoking on this train! There is no smoking on this train or the platform! I repeat, there is no smoking on this train! If you continue to smoke, I will stop this train and the gendarmes will come and get you!
–Metro-North, Bronx
Dude on cell: Hold on one sec, I’m watching Jimmy try to smoke a cigarette right now and it’s like watching a Special Olympics hurdler.
–Upper West Side
Overheard by: djw
Girl on cell: Try smoking it. You should try smoking it.
–26th & Broadway
Hobo peeking in train: Hold the doors for me, okay? I’m just going to have a smoke.
–C train
Stoner chick: What if we actually want to bake something? We’ll have smoked all our vanilla extract!
–Elderidge & Rivington
Overheard by: Karin
Counter girl #1 : That’s that shit you gotta get — a douche.
Counter girl #2 : Nah, I don’t fuck around with that shit.
Counter girl #1 : No, but that’s what gets you tight again!
Counter girl #2 : Oh, then I definitely need to get me some of that!
–Duane Reade, 88th & Broadway
Overheard by: Evan
Calm mom to five-year-old: Please don’t lick your shoe.
Five-year-old: Mommy, can you wipe my mouth out?
Mommy: No, sweetie. We can’t wipe things out of our mouths. Honey, we don’t lick the bottoms of our shoes. It’s simply not the way we go about doing things. Do you understand that it’s not Mommy being mean? Look around. Do you see any other children’s mommies letting them lick their shoes? No, you don’t, because children who lick their shoes get sick and die.
Other five-year-old: I don’t lick my shoes!
–Murray & W Broadway
Teen girl: Man, I didn’t do anything this week to make me less sick.
Teen guy: Yeah, you smoked, drank, and sucked dick.
Teen girl: I didn’t drink.
–Starbucks
Overheard by: Bryan
Tall brunette: No — ovulating! There’s a difference between menstruating and ovulating.
Short brunette: I still don’t get it.
–Olive Garden
Guy: You know, I can never be in the Air Force.
Girl: Well, not really. There’s always the whole ‘Don’t tell’ thing.
Guy: But it’s on my record!
Girl: What? Did you have to file for your gay card or something?
Guy: … I meant because of my bad vision!
–Metro-North train
WASP #1: You look so tan!
WASP #2: Oh, no, it’s actually just high blood pressure.
WASP #3: Well, it sure suits you!
–Armory Show
Overheard by: Elizabeth
Girl on cell, smiling and laughing: Maybe because he’s a cripple!
–Pavilion Movie Theater
Overheard by: Jamie F
Running tween girl to friend: I’m going to give you breast cancer, you idiot!
–Times Square
Yuppie woman on cell and pushing empty wheelchair: Honey, guess what? I’m not a paraplegic anymore! No, seriously! Isn’t that great?!
–12th & 3rd
Suit on cell: You shouldn’t feel bad for the boy who cried uterine trouble.
–A train
Overheard by: Sue
Woman to street vendor: That’s the problem with my inverted uterus…
–Prince & Broadway
Overheard by: BT
Genius holding her breath to cure hiccups: Oh my god, I hate the hiccups. I mean, seriously. The hiccups are the most annoying thing ever. Like, if I had the choice of having cancer or the hiccups, I would choose cancer. I mean, I know people who’ve had cancer, and the hiccups are way more annoying.
–N train
Overheard by: jessica
Jersey chick to friend, after denying deaf panhandler: I mean, if he were missing a limb or something, that would be one thing…
–NJT train from Penn Station
Overheard by: gotta draw the line somewhere
