Teenage girl #1: Yeah, I celebrate Easter. I’m Catholic. It’s tradition for my family to go gambling in Atlantic City that day.
Teenage girl #2: Wait, isn’t that one of the seven unforgivable vices? You’re doing it on Easter, too. Haha.
Teenage girl #1: Yeah, well… We don’t really believe in that religion bullshit. Atlantic City allows us to stick it to the man.
Teenage girl #1: Is that Jesus? Wow, you’re going to hell.
–51st & Park Ave
Euchre partner #1: Dude! I saved your ass on that hand.
Euchre partner #2: Yes -and thank you for being Jesus for my anus.
–Euchre Club of Queens
Southern tourist child: Daddy, was Jesus Dolly Parton’s best friend too?
Southern tourist father: No, no one really loved Dolly Parton.
–34th & Lexington
Overheard by: Graham Davis
Thin hipster: Man, 2pac is so fucking awesome.
Thinner hipster: Yeah, I guess. Dead role models don’t do much for youth.
Thin hipster: What about Jesus, man?
Thinner hipster: Forgot about him. Whoops.
–D Train
Middle-aged guidette: He’s gay, he’s gay, he’s gay!
Uptight white woman: My husband isn’t gay. Loving Jesus doesn’t make you gay.
–Port Authority
Girl #1: She asked us once if Jesus had a last name.
Girl #2: Oh. [Pauses.] Wait, I know this one.
–Penn Station
Little boy: Did the Jews kill Jesus?
Tutor: No. It was the Romans.
Little boy: Aw, man! I hate the Romans! [angrily pounds fist on table]
–Community Center, 109th & Lexington
Overheard by: Drew
Girl, as she passes out cards: Jesus loves you!
Passerby: Actually, Jesus and I haven’t really gotten along since my people killed him. But thanks!
–43rd & Broadway
Conductor: [Steps out of the booth.] People, let me tell you about the day I’ve been having. Hold on. [Makes an announcement and steps back out.] First of all, we get a report that there are two men making love in the last train and have to go in there to break it up. Then we get two homeless women in here with all their bags and this lady all throwing a fit because they smell. The homeless woman says to her: “You better be getting out of my face!” and the yelling lady tries to grab her bags, she pulls out pepper spray and gets her right in the face! Hold on [Jumps back into booth.] and this lady right, she has her arms out in front of her face like this [crosses arms] like she got the power of Christ to protect her. We had the cops waiting at the next station and everything.
–A Train
Stagehand: I’m telling you, in my next life I’m gonna be a yeti impersonator, and it’s gonna be great!
–Lincoln Center
Curly-haired woman on cell: The gnomes you’ll be seeing are among the friendliest, I think.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Poogins
Crazy hobo, walking down the street: I bought Jesus! I bought Santa Claus! I bought the tooth fairy!
–Parsons, 40th & 7th ave
College girl to friend, pointing at native-american diorama: Oh look, they even have mermaids here! [walks closer and sees mannequin’s feet.] Never mind, it’s not a mermaid!
–Museum of Natural History
Yuppie mom, to toddler son: You can live on the upper west side and I’ll be the tooth fairy!
–Times Square Subway
Overheard by: Lillian
