Kids

What Would Anti-Semites Do without Wednesday One-Liners?

Modern orthodox girl: … And I was like, ‘Why should I be considerate? He doesn’t even keep kosher!’

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Considerate of non-shellfish eaters and shellfish eaters alike

Guy on cell: Well, I’m only Jewish by injection…

–82nd & Madison

Overheard by: I’m only Catholic because I took a pill…

Woman: I think I’m just too Jewish for yoga.

–Park Slope

20-ish girl on cell: I mean, Jesus Christ! The Jews in the RV just won’t leave me alone!

–St. Mark’s & Ave B

Overheard by: Also accosted by the mitzvah tank

Man on cell: How did I pull off that deal? I’m a Jew, and that means I have powers over money that a dumb goyim like you can only dream of. It’s like Jewish superhero powers. Just call me ‘Super Jew.’

–Near Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Lesbian Whisperer

Little boy: Uhhh, half New Yorkish and, uhhh, half Jewish — is that what I am, Mom? Half New Yorkish and half Jewish?

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rosie

Unless You’re Getting Out of a Limo

Little kid: You show me yours and I’ll show you mine.
Mom: No, honey, that’s not how it works.
Little kid: But I’ll show you mine…
Mom: They’re called privates for a reason — you’re not supposed to show people.

–Restroom, Central Park

Overheard by: LSB

Except It's a Sidewalk and Not Our Microwave

Little girl: Mommy, mommy, look, that doggie is pee-peeing on the sidewalk!
Mom: Yeah, just like daddy last night.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: suzz

Wednesday One-Liners Actually Liked Police Academy IV

Macho guy: I just want to roundhouse a cop in the head. Then I’m gonna run my ass off.

–Flushing Meadows Corona Park

Overheard by: rob

Perfume vendor: 5 dollars! 5 dollars! Get ’em before the cops do!

–33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: rah

Girl on cell: …and then the police came so we were wondering if it was gonna be like a bar mitzvah.

–61st & Columbus

Guy on cell: He drank half a bottle of Listerine?…Let me know when the police get there.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Diane

Policeman, to erratic driver: You heard me, man, now pull over. What the hell?

–St. Mark’s & 2nd

Policewoman through loudspeaker, to erratic driver: Where did you get your license? Oh. My. God.

–Leonard & Jackson, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Chitin

Running mom, to child: Hurry up! Run, run like the cops are chasing you!

–110th & Amsterdam

The High Times Of Wednesday One-Liners

Mother to friend: If our kids would just smoke weed they'd be fine.

–Borough Hall, Brooklyn

Five-year-old child, walking past table of glass bongs and pipes: Daddy, I want one!

–Astor Place

Promoter for comedy club: Free bag of weed if you come to the 9:30 show!

–Times Square

Enthusiastic, loud girl on cell: Smoking pot? So you were smoking…you don't have to be so worried about people hearing what you're saying, nobody's even listening…seriously.

–27th & 7th

Overheard by: And she had to end up being in my class..

30-something lady: When she was just selling pot to Kevin Nealon, I think that was better.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Brainy

Here's the Real Truth, Cassie: We Wanted a Boy

Irate little girl (pointing at Nathan's): Daddy, you lied to me! That's not a hot dog stand, that's a hot dog building!

–Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: Lauren

…to Buy Chocolate and Alcohol

Granddaughter: I spy… Grandma… You have to listen…I spy with my little eye, something that helps adults.
Mother: Chocolate.
Grandmother: Alcohol.
Granddaughter: No! Bank of America!
Mother: That helps adults?

–7th & Broadway

Headline by: Botticus

Runners-Up:
· “…In THIS Economy?!” – Pablo & Pablo
· “I Slept Wth a Teller Once” – Yoli
· “If by Help, You Mean Fuck and by Adults, You Mean Shareholders…Then, Well Played” – cmm
· “Sure, That’s the Third Person They Helped Off the Floor & Gave a Tissue Too” – tatts
· “Well, Maybe Not Where YOU Go, but I Get Mani-Pedis Everytime I Go There” – Anthony

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Gay Masons: Alright, Who Talked?

Little kid: No, you gotta do the secret handshake.
Friend: What?
Little kid: The secret handshake! [Stands behind friend and starts thrusting his hips against friend’s rear.] Boom! Boom! Boom!
Little kid’s mom: Josh, that’s not nice!

–65th & Broadway

I've Been Clapping Since You Were Born

Mother: Fairies like getting back in the pram.
Kid: I'm not a fairy!
Mother: Yes you are.

–10th & 1st

Overheard by: ashleigh

What's a White Kid Go for These Days, Anyway?

Dorky little white kid: What happens if I fall in the tracks?
Dorky white dad: I guess I'd have to buy a new kid.
Dorky little white kid: That's beastin'!

–Q Train

Overheard by: that *is* beastin'

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