My New Wife, Wednesday One-liners

Guy: Man, you think Lee Harvey Oswald had good aim? You should meet my wife.

–B train

Overheard by: Jess Issacharoff

Woman: Her bridal shower was her sweet sixteen.

–F train

Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got married? But honey, you’re gay!

–63rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e-mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e-mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my husband.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e-mail me, e-mail your husband who’s been cheating on you for two fucking years.”

–33rd & Park

Teen girl: Yeah, he’s really lonely since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lotion.

–Park Slope

Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?

–55th & Madison

Overheard by: Matt

Man on cell: I ain’t trying to see you nothin’. I want to marry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T-R-U-F-F. The Truth!

–Atlantic Avenue gas station

Overheard by: Megan

Gate agent: You need to listen to me. Don’t listen to your wife. Your wife doesn’t work here.

–Newark airport

Overheard by: jk

Posted on August 20, 2022
Age/Aging, Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, At the Airport, Brooklyn, Dating, Death, Gays and Lesbians, Infidelity, Internet, Lower East Side, Manhattan, Marriage, Masturbation, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, Park Slope, People, Places, Pop Culture, Queers, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Shoot, Venues, Violence, Women

The Hymen Suffered Only a Slight Dent

30-something #1: So, you were happy?
30-something #2: Oh, yeah! And then it got annulled.

–38th & 7th

Posted on August 9, 2022
Breaking Up, Friends, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen

He Should Never Have Married That Old Bat

Man: Let me explain it to you. It’s like this…when I’m more than fifty miles from the city, I’m a bachelor again.
Woman: How’s that?
Man: Well, yeah…when I’m closer to the city, she hears shit.

–24th & 8th

Posted on July 27, 2022
Hospitals, Infidelity, Marriage, Men, Women

The Danger Of Marrying a Meat-and-Potatoes Guy

Woman #1: How many potatoes should I get? Like, three?
Woman #2, shrieking: Three? Three?! Are you serious? Have you seen your husband lately?
Woman #1, confused: Four?
Woman #1: He eats more than I eat in a year! He's huge! You'll need at least fifteen potatoes!
Woman #2: Yeah, I guess you're right.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Sarah

Posted on June 26, 2022
Diet/Weight, Food, Marriage, Physical appearance, Questions, Union Square and East Village, Whole Foods, Women

Quite an Anti-climax

Man: Her first husband told her he was gay after 7 years. Her second was a loveless marriage. And then she had coffee with me!

–La Lanterna

Posted on June 7, 2022
Breaking Up, Dating, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Marriage, One-liners, Restaurants & Cafes, Rumor Has It

Why Would He Buy a Bag from Himself?

Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Woman: No.
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.

–33rd & 6th

Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon

Posted on April 18, 2022
Manhattan, Marriage, Shopping, Street, Vendors & Street Performers, Women

But All I Said Was, I Hate The Hills!

Yelling wife: You made a promise. You're my husband.
Husband: Can we do this later?
Yelling wife: No, I made the worst mistake of my life marrying you. Take your ring… go.

–F Train

Posted on April 4, 2022
Couples, Default, Insults, Marriage, Men, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Questions, Relationships, Women

And I've Always Thought It Was Important to Have a Strong Sense Of Where I'm Going in Life

Girl #1: Yeah, we're engaged. He got me the ring and all, but I'm like, “it's going to be like ten years until we actually get married.”
Girl #2: Oh, true.
Girl #1: I need to drop pre-calculus. It's too hard and it's going to lower my GPS.

–Uptown E Train

Overheard by: Nicole Yan