Wednesday One-Liners (No Homo)

Professor: Let's take a poll: who thinks I am gay?

–Lehman College

Flamboyant gay guy to butch gay guy: You, like, sneeze glitter. That's how gay you are!

–9th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: TR

Daughter to sobbing mother: Mom! Seriously, stop! I'm going to slap you. (mom continues sobbing) I'm not gay! Relax, okay?

–New Utrecht High School

Overheard by: Straight girl

Tween girl to friend: He's 17 years old and he doesn't have any kids? What? Is he gay?

–A Train

Teenage boy: Even if it's with a girl, it's still gay.

–L Train

Overheard by: Sean

Posted on June 24, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bitch-slap, College, Family Ties, Fast Times at New York High, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Girls, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Queer guys, Questions, School and studying, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Village, Threats, Tweens, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Can't Go On

Guy: But that way everyone feels a little more suicidal, and that makes it much more interesting.

–Broadway & 9th

85-year-old woman with leathery skin, in neon pink jumpsuit and sunglasses, with cigarette in one hand and cane in the other: I wish that cunt would just fucking kill herself!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: kyle

Woman to son, as they look at street vendors' wares: Oh, and do you have the number for the suicide hotline?

–Prince & Mulberry

Upper West Side suit to friend: And I was like, "but I've worn that four times, I can't wear that again. I'd just have to kill myself!"

–Broadway & 104th St

Overheard by: Cat

Man, to the tune of "Lean on Me": Sometimes in our lives/we want to jump right out the window…

–DUMBO, Brooklyn

Overheard by: amused

Toddler: Mommy, you make me suicidal!

–Roosevelt Island Bus

Posted on June 17, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Brooklyn, Bus, Clothing, Friends, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Kids, Madison Square Garden, Men, Moms, Offers and requests, Old People, On the Bus, One-liners, Parents, Singing, Soho, Stupidity, Suicide, Suits, The Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

People Are Drawn to Closing Doors, Like Moths to a Flame

Conductor, very loudly and emphatically: This is 28th Street. 34th Street is next, stand clear of the closing doors!
Four-year-old girl to mother: Why is he upset?

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: mersayseh

Posted on June 13, 2009
Conductors, Directions, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Public Transportation, Questions

She'll Be the Next Huge Disney Star?

Mother: I'm not very up to date on things like this, but I'm 90% sure that Alec Baldwin is not a Jonas Brother.
Father: Yeah, well…she was naked and she talked funny, so that tells you something.

–Broadway Theatre

Overheard by: Fiona

Posted on June 11, 2009
About Celebrities, Dads, Moms, Music, Nudity, Theater

Wednesday One-Liners Contemplate Eating Their Young

Man yelling at children: If I see it I spank it!

–94th St & Columbus

Overheard by: olivia

Mother to complaining seven-year-old daughter: Let's pretend we're the Israelites wandering in the desert.

–42nd St & 8th Ave

Mom to child: If you do that again, I swear to god, I will make you ride outside! I will strap you to the wing and make you ride outside!

–JetBlue Plane, JFK Tarmac

Woman to small child looking at store window: Jean-Claude, you simply cannot be this demanding at two and a half!

–3rd Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Paula Katinas

Mother to screaming child: You are so mean! Who raised you? Wild animals? Indians?

–Greene St, SoHo

Overheard by: Mememonkey

Mom getting on subway to small kids: Well, now you know what "burlesque" means!

–1 Train

Posted on June 10, 2009
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, JFK Airport, Judaism, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Shopping, Should've Used a Condom, Soho, Street, Threats, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

Personal Experience

Seven-year-old boy: Will I meet my goldfish in heaven someday?
Mother: I don't know anything about what happens to goldfish when they die, but I can tell you that there is no god.

–Bleecker & MacDougal

Posted on June 6, 2009
Death, God, Kids, Moms, Parents, Questions, The Village, We Love Our Pets

Again, Amy Didn't Expect It to Be Beautiful

Little boy to mother: Mommy, what is that?
Mother: It's a woman, sweetie.
Little girl, screaming to mother: Mommy, she's naked! That woman is naked!
(mother ignores her)
Little girl, whispering: She's naked, she's a naked woman.

–1 Train

Posted on June 2, 2009
Families, Kids, Moms, Nudity, On the Subway, Parents, Questions, Weirdness

If Worse Comes to Worse, We Can Pacify Them with Beer

Preteen boy, on his way to St. Patrick's Parade: Mommy, how long do we have to be on this train?
Mother: A few minutes.
Preteen boy: Mommy! This is like when the Nazis took all those people to concentration camps!
Mother: Yeah, but they were German, these people are Irish.

–PATH Train

Overheard by: Shane

Posted on May 29, 2009
Compare/Contrast, Hitler/Nazis, Moms, Parents, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway, Tweens

Wednesday One-Liners, Cracked but Not Broken

Large woman attempting to sit down: Y'all better slide down, cause my ass is wide!

–Downtown 4 Train

Overheard by: squished

Limping black hobo to preppy white male: Maaaaan…what's that got to do with wiping yo' ass?

–10th Ave b/w 50th & 51st

Middle aged man to daughter: Come on, let's go look for baby bottle butt!

–H Mart

Professor: I got excited because another man touched my ass in public!

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Haven't we all?

Seated man to mom letting her child run around restaurant: Your daughter just put her hand in my butt crack.

–Park Slope

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Asshole, Black People, Cleanliness, Dads, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Fordham, Grocery Stores, Height, Hobos, Horny, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Park Slope, Poop, Preppies, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

“Where There Is a Sample Sale, I Will Be There.”

Greenpeace canvasser to two girls with mother: Girls, do you want your mom to be a superhero today?
Mom: I'm already a superhero, I just bought them clothes!

–Broadway & Houston

Overheard by: Erin

Posted on May 26, 2009
Activists, Girls, Moms, Parents, Questions, Shopping, Soho, Superheroes, Wishes & desires

Moms