Old People

Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Reverse-Necrophiliac: I hate dead people. They have such attitude.

–Time Warner Center

Elderly bathroom attendant, finding a used tampon on the floor: Whoever did this, I hope she die! That shit is nasty! I hope her pooty fall out and she die!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Leah Beirne

Hefty guy: No, I will not take pictures of a dead body… Not if it only died for a few hours.

–Target, Queens Blvd

Overheard by: barbat

Co-Worker on phone: If you do die 25 years ago, you don’t die now!

–52nd & 5th

Proselytizer: Listen! Listen to me! You must abstain! Abstinence is the only way! I tell you the truth–if you have sex, you will get pregnant, you will get an STD, and you will die!

–125th St

Overheard by: slightly intrigued

Woman: You’re born, yadda yadda yadda…You learn how to type. You get clarity. And then, ya die.

–24th & 7th

Overheard by: Dennis

Compassionate man on cell: The kid died from an overdose…[laughs] But the kid died from a drug overdose. So it’s not my fault.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Be Called ‘Rubenesque’

Girl on cell: Oh my God, my love handles are out of control. When I was getting ready tonight, my fat got caught in my zipper.

–49th & 2nd

Overweight girl: Guys don’t know what they’re missing. There’s some fine pussy under this gut!

–Queens College

Overheard by: Jimbob Watson

Old Italian woman: If I die fat, whatever. Just as long as I make everyone else fat before I go, that’s fine. They can diet after I’m gone. Just keep my recipes is all I’m sayin’, ya know?

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Dennis

Guy: There should be more laws about people on planes. I once had to sit next to this really fat guy. He was so unapologetic about it! The rogue fat was spilling onto me.

–G train

Shrewd observer, commenting on NYU freshmen: They’re so ugly, and a lot of them haven’t started smoking yet so they’re really fat.

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Little girl to large woman at paper towel dispenser: I didn’t get any, stupid fat lady!

–Women’s restroom, Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Robyn Z

Art student: You ever seen a fat guy fall on a car? Like, the car just happened to be there?

–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Overheard by: TeN22

And Apparently, She Kisses Her Kids with That Mouth

Mother: Bitches, get your asses over here!
Son #1: There’s no seats.
Mother: There’s one right here next to me.
Son #2: I wanna sit next to him.
Mother: I said, motherfuckers, get your asses over here. I don’t want to sit by myself.
Son #1: There’s nowhere to sit!
Mother: I said, get over here. I don’t want to sit by myself. I don’t know no one over here!
Older woman: Don’t no one make friends with her.

–A train

Overheard by: Rehey

The Gorgon Sisters Tour Manhattan

Old tourist lady #1: Nobody looks at you here. Nobody looks into your eyes.
Old tourist lady #2: They probably would if we were better looking.

–Midtown

It Dams Information Instead of Water

Older woman, irritatedly: What do you mean, he has a beaver?

Younger woman, soothingly: Beeper. He has a beeper.

–Hudson St, West Village

Is This the ‘Grandfather Paradox’?

Young woman: So you got any kids?
Older man: Nope, no kids.
Young woman: What about grandkids?

–1 Penn Plaza

Overheard by: Toastmaster

Like the Buttons on Sofa Cushions Do

Kid: What’s that?
Grandma: That’s the belly button. It helps you breathe.

–Bodies exhibit, South Street Seaport

Isn’t That From Dr. Seuss’s ‘I Don’t Like Penis Made of Glass/ I Do Not Like It in My Ass’?

Younger woman: Have you seen any of the Chihuly glass?
Elderly woman: Yes, it looks like penises with diseases!

–New York Botanical Garden, the Bronx

Wednesday One-Liners Are Still Behind

Brooklyn guy: All I’m sayin’ is it goes without sayin’.

–Brooklyn bound D train

Overheard by: Robert Barry Francos

Hoochie on cell: I don’t want that. I’m looking for sauce. Sauce sauce sauce sauce sauce! S-A-U-S-C-E. Sauce!

–Waldbaum’s, Whitestone, Queens

Overheard by: Liz the Overheardista

Teen girl: Do you think Christmas will ever be on Friday the 13th?

–Times Square

Woman in elevator: She said 13…Where’s 13? What the… fuck? There’s no 13. Should I press 12? Or 14? What?…She said 13. Well I’ll just press both.

–22nd & Broadway

Overheard by: staring at the button for 13

Elderly woman, regarding painting: Would you look at the detail he put into this. It almost looks two dimensional.

–The Met

Overheard by: s.gothman

Tween boy: Did the dinosaurs come before or after Bible times?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Omg! He did not just ask that!

But You Have to Ride the Maitre d’ to Get us Menus Later

Older wife: How did you get these seats?
Older husband: I had to pinch her titties.
Older wife: That must have been fun.
Older husband: As a matter of fact, it was.

–Row D, Lyceum Theatre, 45th & Broadway

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