On the Subway

Isn't That Why He's With That Ho Now?

13-year-old girl #1: I can't believe he's with that ho now.
13-year-old girl #2: It's 'cause she just got right up in his face and spread 'em. She just spread 'em.
13-year-old girl #1: Well, yeah, I mean she's ugly so she'd had to do something really extreme, you know?
13-year-old girl #2: Yeah, girl, she just spread 'em.
13-year-old girl #1: Whatever, it might have been easy but I could do all kinds of freaky things she just can't ever do for him. She made it easy, but she ain't a freak like me. I can do him all kinds of freaky ways that no one else can.
13-year-old girl #2: Well, I can do some freaky shit too.
13-year-old girl #1: Yeah, maybe. But not like me. I think I'm the freakiest woman alive. I got secrets you just can't even imagine. And I'm not sharin'.

–1 Train

Overheard by: shocked and appalled

That’s a Horrible Thing to Call Her

Queer #1: I should have known you had that one.
Queer #2: Yeah, I mean, I have every Barbra Streisand recording ever.
Queer #1: I shouldn’t have gotten that for you; it was such a stupid gift.
Queer #2: No, I’ll just sell the old one on eBay.

–1 train

Overheard by: Fatty McFingers

Just a Little Something for You to Think About While I Go in This Corner and Puke

Large drunk black guy to black girl sitting down: Girl, you're so pretty, why are you frowning?
Black girl sitting down: Do me a favor, get up out my face.
(two large Hispanic men get up to protect her)
Large drunk black guy: Okay, I'm done…but I love you.

–2 Train

Overheard by: jj is sober at 10am

At least she’s honest

A young girl selling M&Ms on the A train: “Hey, I’m not here for no basketball team or anything, but if ya’ll want to give me some money, that’s cool.”

Note: she got quite a few sales, as well as a guy’s number

And I Can't Ask— He Doesn't Own His Own Brownstone

Douche #1: Yeah, I can only wear tailored shirts now, I can't wear stuff right out of the store anymore.
Douche #2: Dude, do you, like, get them mammogramed?
Douche #1: Nah, I'm not sure if my tailor does that.

–4 Train

Overheard by: I.D.H.

Where’s a Crown of Thorns When You Need One?

God Squad man: God loves each and everyone of you! The Bible says–
Woman #1: The Bible says it’s 8AM.
Woman #2: Yeah, sit down and shut up.

–L train

It Makes Me Horny. You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Horny

Straight girl: Oooohhh, you know who has the best tits? Isabella Rossellini. Great, great tits.
Gay guy: Oh, you're right! I didn't even think of her.
Straight girl: I don't know how someone her age can have tits that great.
Gay guy: Yeah, if your tits are half that good when you turn her age, you should die a happy woman.
Lesbian: Dear god, why are we talking about Isabella Rossellini's tits on the subway? For that matter, why are we talking about them anywhere?!

–N Train

I’m Kinda Racissy

Chick #1: Would you ever get your pubic hair chemically straightened?
Chick #2: No, I wouldn’t let Chinese people touch my vagina.

–A train

Overheard by: Francesca

Wednesday One-liners Practice Good Conduct

Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen on the platform. Yes, this is a C train. If you are waiting for the F train you have gots to get on this train, no ifs, ands or buts about it. Just get on this train, and we will discuss it as we roll.

–C train

The Evolution of Wednesday One-liners

Girl: …The only time I was hanging out with girls was when I was cheatin’, ’cause I needed an escape goat.

–R train

Overheard by: Clara

© 2026 OverheardinNewYork.com
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist