My Sister's Roommate's Cousin Knows Wednesday One-Liner's Agent

Young thug in crooked baseball hat to female friend: No, everyone should have the right to love Tom Cruise.

–41st & Lexington

40-something Midwest tourist to 40-something friends: Yeah, this is where Miley Cyrus was staying. (points to Sheraton hotel, friends gasp in excitement)

–53rd & 7th

Tourist son to mom: Let's go to the park and watch Jerry Seinfeld play softball.

–67th & Central Park West

Overheard by: Q

Random guy outside on corner: Yo, I just saw Phil Donahue. I just saw him walking down the street… (starts to sing in Cops theme song style) Whatchu gonna do when Phil Donahue comes for you? (pause) Yo, Phil Donahue is a crazy motherfucker!

–Astoria Boulevard, Queens

Girl on cell: Yeah, but I tower over him when I wear heels…and I'm not exactly sure if I'm ready to be Katie Holmes to his Tom Cruise.

–33rd & Broadway

Woman: Everywhere I go, I see either someone I know or a celebrity!

–69th & Columbus

Little boy to mother: Oooh…I thought Malcolm X was a singer.

–Flatbush & Beekman

Overheard by: Chelsea

Posted on May 20, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Boys, Brooklyn, Girls, Guys, History & Geography, Insults, Kids, Love, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Relationships, Shoes, Sports, Thugs, Tourists, TV, Women

I’d Want to Be Stalked Exclusively, Though

Teen girl #1: Jason called me today and asked me if I was in Bay Ridge.
Teen girl #2: How would he know you were there? Is he stalking you or something?
Teen girl #1: God, I hope so.

–Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Lotte

Posted on May 17, 2015
Brooklyn, Relationships, Teens

We Still Blame Sarah Silverman for Our Uncharitable Thoughts

Cashier #1: Me and my ex-boyfriend are on common ground.
Cashier #2: What does that mean?
Cashier #1: We both know it will never work out between us.
Cashier #2: Didn't he say he wanted to knock you up again or something?
Cashier #1: Yes.

–Grocery Store, Chelsea

Overheard by: Torch

Posted on May 16, 2015
Cashiers, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Grocery Stores, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Relationships, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Let Alone Travel Down My Birth Canal

Girl #1: And how old is her boy now?
Girl #2: Uh… I dunno, one year old -maybe older?
Girl #1, in shock and disgust: And she still breast-feedin’ him?! That crazy ho!
Girl #2, definitively: Yeah, I ain’t lettin’ no lil’ man put teeth on my nipple!

–53rd & 6th Ave

Overheard by: SA

Posted on May 16, 2015
Age/Aging, Default, Girls, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nipples, Questions, Relationships, Sexuality, Weirdness

Multitasking, the Next Level

Guy in line to pay, on cell: Hi. I’m calling to say I want a divorce. I keep calling and calling, and leaving messages, and sending you texts, but you never get back to me. So I guess this is it. I’m going to have papers drawn up unless you call me back. Okay, bye.

–J&R Computer Store, Park Row

Overheard by: Just trying to buy a PSP case

Posted on May 14, 2015
Manhattan, Marriage, On Cell, Relationships, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

This Can Only End in a Duel

Train conductor: Mr Raymond Johnson, if you're looking for your wife, she's in car #6604.
Random guy: With me!

–2 Train

Posted on May 12, 2015
Default, Guys, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Relationships, Subway conductors, Three is Company

It Reeks of Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: When I point, everybody smell collard greens.

–6 train

Posted on May 9, 2015
Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Eating Out, Etiquette, Fashion, Food, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Kink, Lower East Side, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Penn Station, Port Authority, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Stupidity, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, We Love Our Pets

Everyone Who Knows My Wife Feels This Way

English teacher: I tell her I can’t come to bed because I’m working. So basically, the definition [of a Penolopean web] is doing something to avoid doing something you don’t want to do.
Kid: Are you saying you’d rather plan our lessons than have sex with your wife?
English teacher: [Leaves the room.]

–LaGuardia High

Overheard by: ToMuchInfo

Posted on May 9, 2015
Relationships, School, Students, Teachers/Professors

Ad: Help Us Find a Cure for Male Refrigerator Blindness–Today

Boyfriend: Hun, where are the turkey bags?
Girlfriend: Hunny! They are right in front of your eyes!
Boyfriend: Oh, I see them, thanks.
Girlfriend: What would you ever do without me?
Male stranger: You would be a lonely bachelor like me.
Girlfriend: Oh! That's sad.

–Fairway Foods, 125th St

Overheard by: spencer dorn

Posted on May 8, 2015
Boyfriends, Food, Girlfriends, Grocery Stores, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Questions, Relationships, Strangers

No, I’m a Night Person, and She Was a Slutty Tramp Whore

Hipster boy: We used to be together, but it just didn’t work out.
Hipster girl: It wasn’t because of her eating out America?

–1 train

Overheard by: Shannon O’Toole

Posted on May 7, 2015
Eating Out, Hipsters, On the Subway, Relationships

Relationships