Subway stations, platforms, etc.

Wednesday One-Liners Run All Night

Middle-aged man at Metrocard machine to MTA booth employee: You know these things don’t work, right? I mean, you know they don’t work? [Employee ignores him] Hey, do you care?

–Grand Central

MTA lady on loudspeaker: [Stops singing loudly] What? No, the speaker’s not on. You can hear me? But it’s not on. Huh? You can hear me, too? Damn.

–Union Street Station, Park Slope

Overheard by: Just wanna wait in peace

MTA guy with microphone: Please keep your eyes open — there is a large rat running around on the platform. Please keep your eyes open — large rat — very large.

–V Station, 51st St

Overheard by: Ethan

MTA lady talking to no one visible: You one-armed nuisance! You are really getting on my nerves!

–In front of Staten Island Ferry, Staten Island

Overheard by: Jackie

Happy hour queen ascending subway steps: Did you know all these spots are gum? This entire subway station is constructed of chewing gum!

–Subway station, 14th & 7th

Overheard by: wish i had a drink too

Disgruntled man: Who needs terrorists when you have the MTA?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Alice

It’s a Hell of a Town

Man: Excuse me, I noticed you were looking at the Times. Here, you can have mine. I don’t think I’ll get around to reading it today.
Woman, hugging man lovingly: Thank you.

–Astor Place station

Overheard by: reggae

‘Walking the Batter’, It’s Called

Woman #1: No, fingering is third base. Blow jobs don’t have a base.
Woman #2: Wait. Blow jobs don’t have a base?
Woman #1: Nope. That’s how we roll in Jersey.

–F train platform, Jay St station

‘Hoe-Hoe Happy Meals’ Featuring Adult Toys Gave McDonald’s Considerable Market Penetration

Ghetto man: A groopie ain’t nothin’ but a high-class ho.
Ghetto woman: Please, a groopie is a ho with standards.
Ghetto man: Whatever, a groopie’s no different than a prostitute. But I respect a prostitute ’cause she don’t keep it a secret. A prostitute will fuck you for a happy meal. A happy meal! Not even a value meal!
Ghetto woman: Well, maybe all she wants is a happy meal.
Ghetto man: Yeah, for the toy!

–Grand Army Plaza subway station, Brooklyn

The Road to 18th Street Is Paved with Mixed Intentions

Tourist: Is that train going to 18th street?
New Yorker: Yes.
Doors close.
New Yorker: But you’re not.

–Union Square Station, 4/5/6 platform

Overheard by: amused MD

Eazy E is Spinning in His Grave

Ghetto girl #1: Yo, I been to a lot of ghettos and shit, but I ain’t never goin’ to Compton.
Ghetto girl #2: Mhm. Word, yo.
Suit: NWA, yo. Straight outta Compton!

–6 train, Hunter College station

Overheard by: not going to compton anytime soon

Like he’s Going to Admit he Looks at ‘Mature’ Porn

Skanky woman: Do I know you? You were giving me a look like you know me.
Teenage boy: No.
Teenage boy to fellow train rider: Do you have a pen?

–R train platform

Overheard by: Doc

Might Be a Snack up There with Your Name on It

Fat kid: Can we take the elevator?
Dad: No, Charlie, come up the stairs.
Fat kid: But this is IMPOSSIBLE!
Dad: No, it isn’t impossible. Now move up the stairs.

–Subway, Bryant Park

Overheard by: Rita

Would Someone Please Consult a Hipster to Determine Whether This Is Ironic?

Yuppie woman #1: I just couldn’t believe it. Just because I give my child everything he wants and asks for, she has the nerve to tell me that I’m giving my son a sense of entitlement.
Yuppie woman #2: I can’t believe she said that.
Yuppie woman #1: Yeah. The nerve!

–Downtown 2 train, Fulton St

Charles Ponzi Got His Start Fund-Raising for Band Camp

Candy seller: Ladies and gentlemen, today I am selling candy so I can make money to buy more candy.

–1 train

Overheard by: Joshy Sweetpants

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