Guy #1: Man, things ain’t been the same since my brother died in WTC.
Guy #2: What? He ain’t dead; he’s in jail, son.
Guy #1: Man, why you gotta–
–E train
Guy #1: Man, things ain’t been the same since my brother died in WTC.
Guy #2: What? He ain’t dead; he’s in jail, son.
Guy #1: Man, why you gotta–
–E train
Local guy: Man, wake up, you look like you from Wall Street.
Awakened yuppie: Yeah, something like that.
Local guy: Well, you in the hood now! You better get on that [train across the platform] right away!
–New Lots Avenue station
Overheard by: Satoru Ogawa
Old guy: I’d like two tickets to Times Square please.
Booth lady: What?
Old guy: Two for Times Square please!
–Whitehall Street station
Chick #1: What an asshole. Do I look like a transvestite?
Chick #2: No.
Chick #1: Sometimes when a woman is tall and she’s dressed like a woman, she really is a woman.
Chick #2: Unless you’re in Chelsea.
–1 Train
Girl #1: Why is it so hot in here?
Girl #2: Hobo farts.
–1 train station, 168th St
Conductor at Van Wyck: This is… not Jamaica. [Quietly] Where the hell is he going?
–Manhattan-bound E train
Overheard by: Julie
Conductor: This is 71st, Continental Avenue. Transfer here for the E. This is the E Train to 180… This is the E Train to 170… This is the F… This is the… Oh, whatever. Just stand clear of the fucking doors.
–Most definitely the F train
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Conductor: This is an express F Train to Stillwell Avenue. What does that mean? I don’t know. What are the express stops?
–Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: Pam
Conductor: This is a Manhattan-bound One Train. Next stop, 42nd Street. I mean, 34th Street… Shit… Next stop, 14th Street, Union Square!
–L train, Morgan Ave
Overheard by: erin b
Conductor: Captain, we’ve lost power — we have no lights. If you would like to look at people or read, please move. If you do not wish to look at anyone or let anyone look at you, just stay put. This is the train to Babylon. I do not know what the next stop is.
–LIRR
Overheard by: scared passenger
Conductor: The Queens-bound N Train will be arriving on the platform downstairs. [It pulls into the station across from the platform.] I take that back.
–7 train, Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: Melissa Berry
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a downtown… [long pause]… Whatever. Stand clear of the edge.
–6 platform, Union Square
Overheard by: Johnny
Drunk hobo, singing: Put a little money in the hat!
Six-year-old boy to mom: Don’t hats come with a bunny?
Mom: He asked for money, not a bunny. He’s a panhandler, not a magician.
–Canal St station
Overheard by: Thumper
Hipster #1: …I don’t know dude, I wouldn’t fuck her.
Hipster #2: What? Why not? She’s hot!
Hipster #1: I don’t like fucking ’em when they’re taller than me. Feels too much like prison sex.
–F train
Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!
–14th St Subway Platform
Overheard by: yoncto
Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.
–City College
Overheard by: Damn Right!
Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.
–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave
Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?
–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint
Overheard by: chris
Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!"
–4 Train
Woman on cell: Well what did you expect? Did you think you could just go into the subway and get a million bucks playing your guitar?
–Union Square
Overheard by: Domi
