Thievery

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Guido chick: Hey, you over there. Yeah you, ain’t you Dwayne?
Thug: Yeah, what’s it to ya?
Guido chick: It’s me, Gina, from the neighborhood. Whatchya doin’ all the ways out here?
Thug: Workin’, babe, workin’.
Guido chick: Workin’ on what?
Thug: It’s pickpocket season. Now’s the times I makes my money.
Guido chick: Bitch, you best not be stealin’ from my family! I’ll bust a cap in ya ass and then tell my Uncle Carmine.
Thug: Don’t worry, bitch, I only hit on the tourists.
Guido chick: Okay, babe, see ya in the neighborhood. Come tell me how it works out.

–Wintergarden Theatre

Overheard by: Annmarie

I Mean, Five Bucks for a Pin That Says “Hard Rock Café”?

Tourist girl #1: Oh, yeah, I totally remember this spot.
Tourist girl #2: Yeah, this is the exact spot we got robbed last time we were here.

–Hard Rock Café, 43rd & Broadway

Just shut up and keep selling that crack

Little girl: Mommy, can we steal these?
Mother: Not today.

–N train

Overheard by: Shannon

Headline by: chris s.

Runners-Up:
· “Daddy and Timmy Take Mondays” – torqued
· “Monday’s Child Is Fair Of Face, Tuesday’s Child Robs the Place” – h
· “Remember, Rape First, Then Pillage.” – Kristen
· “Today, Mommy’s Going to Teach You How to Turn Tricks!” – jane
· “We’re Just Casing The Joint Today, Sweetie” – Paul K.
· “When Winona Learned Not to Ask” – Tory
· “Would You Pay Attention to the Calendar I Gave You?” – sr86

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Wanna See Where Ross and Rachel Did It

Seven-year-old ghetto kid: This is the Earth, yo!

–Earth Science Hall, Museum of Natural History

Dad to seven-year-old son: If you’re gonna steal somethin’, you gotta steal somethin’ you can sell.

–Museum of Natural History gift shop

Overheard by: rufus

Cowboy squinting at museum pamphlet with wife and kids: The Big… Bang? What’s that?

–Museum of Natural History

Child passing the Australopithecus couple: Look, Ma! It’s like you and Dad on your honeymoon!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Dottie

Employee: Welcome to the Hayden Planetarium. Please turn off your cell phones, digital cameras, and small children.

–Museum of Natural History

Mother: Stop screaming! They can’t hear you!

–Museum of Natural History

Paper Moon

Guy: Stop taking napkins!
Girl, continuing to take napkins: The problem is that Anna keeps stealing all my underwear!

–Smiling Pizza, Brooklyn

Overheard by: megan cuervo

But He Keeps Getting Stopped by Border Patrol

Trendy girl: Yeah, well, it’s cheaper to steal cars in the US than to import them.
Fellow employee: Yeah, so he steals these cars and takes them way the hell out to the middle of nowhere… Like, Brooklyn…

–Office elevator, Park Ave South

Overheard by: way too much time on my hands

Let ‘A’ Equal Our Bed, and ‘B’ Equal the Mini-Bar

Tourist man: Honey, why don’t we just go back to the room?
Tourist woman: Okay. We’re all going to calm down. We’ve done everything we can do. The police report has been filed. We’re all going to forget. We’re going to take a deep breath, and we’re going to move on. A new trip, a new beginning. Our new objective is to simply maneuver from point A to point B without getting mugged.

–Outside Urban Outfitters, 72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Katie

Situational Ethics

Girl #1: Hey, your tag is still on your sweatshirt.
Girl #2: I know. I’m thinking about returning it.
Girl #3, a minute later: Hey, your tag is still on your sweatshirt.
Girl #2: I know! I’m hip hop.

–Williamsburg

Well, Maybe Just Seven

SUNY purchase student #1: My fucking head hurts.
SUNY purchase student #2 pulling out bag of white pills: Dude, take these pills. You’ll feel better.
SUNY purchase student #1: Uh… What are they?
SUNY purchase student #2: Uh, codeine I think? I don’t know. Yeah, I stole them from a kid at the party last night. He said he found them in a garbage can.
SUNY purchase student #1: Jesus, dude, no.

–Grand Central

Crosstown Wednesday One-Liners

Driver: Some people want to go to work, some people want to go home, some people want to go into your pockets… Watch for pickpockets.

–B44 bus

Overheard by: Katia

Bus driver: This is the express bus to Boston. We’ll arrive at 10:00, 10:30, whichever is earlier.

–Port Authority bus terminal

Bus driver: Happy New Year’s everyone. This is the New Year’s bus. I hope someone is looking over my roasted pork chops in the oven back there. I got some collard greens and potatoes cookin’ as well. Let’s get this bus movin’.

–101 bus, 68th & 3rd

Overheard by: Sashanyc

Bus driver who wouldn’t let anyone pay to get on, claiming she’d won the lottery: Nice day today, huh? Y’all wanna go to the beach? Bring a blanket? Three p.m. — meet me at a secret location. MTA going your way! They won’t mind if I take it for a few hours. Madison is next.

–M79 bus, 79th & 5th

Overheard by: mar

Bus driver to boarding passengers: If you have a name that starts with a letter, move to the back of the bus.

–86th St crosstown bus

Overheard by: Hannah Rose

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