Larger, Lovelier Wednesday One-Liners

Fat lady elbowing her way onto train: Shit, they need to get some bigger subway cars.

–6 train, 28th St

Wife to hubby, after daughter got up from table: She still has a big ass and thighs, but she’s getting better.

–City Bakery, W 18th St

Overheard by: katherine

Man holding huge burger in small bun: Dude! This is like a fat man in spandex!

–Upper West Side

Blonde rubbing grouchy guy’s head: I’m sorry, baby, but you know how I get around fat people, and those two women were huge! Just disgusting!

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Ryan

Hobo: Anyone have a dollar? Anyone? I’m askin’ because all you ladies are beautiful. I don’t bother with ugly people or fat people! They just have problems. Their wife is cheating on them? It’s my fault! No, I just walk on by all those fat people.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Colleen

Mom to six-year-old son: Junk food is crap. If you eat it, you will be fat. Like Mommy.

–Central Park

Posted on March 12, 2008
Advice, Ass, Body Parts, Central Park, Compliments, Couples, Default, Diet/Weight, Fashion, Fat People, Gripes, Hobos, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Moms, On the Subway, Panhandling, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women

Wednesday One-Liners You Just Wanna Pat on the Head

Drunk girl: I think he uses his cancer to be cute.

–Bourgeois Pig, MacDougal St

Freak show barker: I hate cute ventriloquism.

–Outside Coney Island Freak Show

Overheard by: Miss Carrie

Girl, about three-year-old nearby: He’s so cute, I want to kidnap him!

–PATH train

Woman: … And then he pulled out a gun and threatened to kill me. It was so cute.

–Ruby Foo’s, 49th & 8th

Overheard by: Heather

Man to toddler girl: That’s what politicians do. They try to look cute.

–Smith & Union, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Posted on March 12, 2008
Artists, Brooklyn, Cancer, Coney Island, Crime and Punishment, Default, Drunks, Girls, Gripes, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Politics, Restaurants & Cafes, Shoot, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Violence, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Adjust Their Tiaras

JAP getting off at Berkeley Heights: I was getting anxious about getting anxious! It was like I had anxiety about getting anxiety! What? No, the pills aren’t for that. Shut up, Mom! I’ll call you later.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: embarrassed to live in jersey

JAP on cell: You know, it just goes to show you how sensitive we’ve become in this country to sexual misconduct and sexual… Sexual… What’s the word? Being sued.

–116th & Broadway

JAP on cell: … And then I totally just, like, bought it at Bergdorf’s… No, no! Not Bloomingdale’s — Bergdorf’s! You know, as in Bergdorf Cohen’s?

–serendipipty

Blonde JAP: Like, this is totally tighter than my colonoscopy. Ugh!

–Crowded A train

JAP on cell: Oh, that guy? I think he lost interest in me. One day I said something about how all the girls on the Upper East Side look the same and are totally boring, and he said, ‘But yeah! That’s you, too!’

–83rd & 3rd

Overheard by: A&M

Posted on March 5, 2008
Bars & Clubs, Comebacks, Crime and Punishment, Default, Gossip, Insults, JAPs, Medicine, NYC Geography, On Cell, On the Subway, Psychology, Shopping, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

Heave-Ho, Wednesday One-Liners!

Girl to friend passed out on stoop: Michelle! Michelle! I’ma take your picture for your MySpace page! Throw up again!

–University & E 9th St

Overheard by: Thompson

Chick: It’s not like I miss my parents or anything, but it’s just that the toilets here are so gross to throw up in.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Mark Jochens

Vomiting thugette: I don’t even know what that is… Oh, God, that’s pizza!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: traPt

Cute chick: I was way too drunk to do anything but have sex, throw up a pizza burger, and take a shower… in that order.

–The Black Sheep, 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Argopelter

Student to another: I dunno… All I heard is that he threw up all over his daughter’s teacher!

–Mercer University

Overheard by: J Dawg

Conductor: Hey, here’s a novel idea — if you have to vomit, vomit on yourself! Not on the ground, on yourself!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dave

Posted on February 20, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Cleanliness, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Conductors, Girls, Gossip, Gripes, Idiots, Junk Food & Fast Food, Myspace, Nostalgia, Sex, Students, Stupidity, Thugs, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Vomit

If You Want to Get Thrown to the Rats

Child: Mommy, look! Do you see that rat?!
Mother: Yes.
Child: Oooh, Mommy, look! Do you see that piece of paper?!
Mother: Yes.
Child: Oooh, Mommy! Can I bite you?!
Mother: Yes.

–PATH

Posted on January 21, 2008
Kids, Moms, Questions, Trains Not Subway

Turns Out She Only Has One Head After All

Lush guy: I didn’t even recognize his sister. She looked a little different.
Lush chick: Because you were sober?
Lush guy: Yeah, that’s it!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Posted on January 21, 2008
Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Trains Not Subway

You Never Have a Penis!

LI girl #1: Want to make out?
LI girl #2, angrily: No! We’ve been down that road before, Meghan!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Climate Changer

Posted on January 19, 2008
Girls, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Trains Not Subway

… Updating God’s MySpace Profile for Him

Bald white monk in orange robes: [Mumbling to himself.]Bimbette, to friend: I guess he’s, like, praying for a safe journey.
Bald white monk in orange robes: No, I’m on the phone [shows BlackBerry].

–Metro-North

Overheard by: jharris

Posted on January 12, 2008
Blackberry, Strangers, Trains Not Subway

More Fun Than Anything I Could’ve Done on Long Island

Chick #1: So, what happened with you and that guy from the bar last night?
Chick #2: Oh, him? We went back to my place and had sex.
Chick #1: Oooh… How was it?!
Chick #2: Eh, it wasn’t the best. He wanted to do anal, and I was tired and drunk, so I was like, ‘Whatever…’
Chick #1: Oh my god, really? I would never do anal…
Chick #2: Eh, I thought so, too, but turns out it’s really not that bad. It’s just like shitting… only in reverse.

–LIRR

Posted on January 5, 2008
Backdoor, Girls, Trains Not Subway

Trains Not Subway