Conductor: Please step out onto the platform to enter the first five cars… [Couple tries to go through conductor’s booth.] Please step out onto the platform… [Couple keeps trying to open door.] Please step out onto the platform! [Couple tries again.] Step out onto the platform! Oh my god!

–1 train

Conductor to two girls getting off train but lingering on platform: What’s the matter, ladies, you don’t like my traaain?

–6 train stop, 51st & Lex

Conductor on stopped train: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be moving really, really, really, really, really shortly. [Long, resigned sigh] I hope.

–L train

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Bored conductor: Welcome to Times Square, crossroads of the universe.

–7 train

Male conductor: Good morning and God bless. Have a happy Valentine’s Day, especially all you ladies.

–A train

Overheard by: Rita

Conductor: Fordham, this is the Fordham stop. You may exit here, but please, no new passengers are to get on at this stop. Sir, I said no passengers may get on the train… Anyone wearing a brown jacket may not get on at this stop. Sir, you, in the brown jacket. I see you. Yes, you sir, in the brown jacket who just got on the train. Of course I’m talking to you, genius… Thank you. Grand Central, next stop.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Carol Ann