Conductor #1 on intercom: My pants are down. Are your pants down?
Conductor #2: No, my pants are good.
–Metro North
Overheard by: jessie
Conductor #1 on intercom: My pants are down. Are your pants down?
Conductor #2: No, my pants are good.
–Metro North
Overheard by: jessie
Six-year-old girl, after careful consideration: Oh, well. That’s Ok. A baby is almost as much fun as a trampoline.
–Sidewalk Cafe
Guy to friend at 1 AM on a Thursday: Hey, I have an idea -let’s talk about how Dan fucked my ex-girlfriend! That’ll be fun, that’s a good story!
–PATH Train to Hoboken
Overheard by: Katie
Cali girl, to her roommate: We need to be more like coke whores but, like, without the coke, and not the whore part, but just like, opulent and fun.
–133rd & Frederick Douglass
Overheard by: Nathalie
Guy on cell: But, mother, maybe she wants to have fun for a couple of years before she becomes a nun.
–Midtown
Overheard by: Killer
20-something woman on cell: When I left my mom just now she said, ‘Have fun gay-tripping in California.’ Uhmmmmm?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: McF
Middle aged babysitter corralling flock of young children down the street: This should be fun… How come it isn’t? Anybody got any ideas?
–18th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Dave
Little girl, adorably: So, this hand is right and this one is left?
Mom: No, it’s the other way around.
Little girl: But you said before! You said this was the right and this was the left!
Mom: Well, if I’m facing you –
Little girl, exasperated : Mother, I really don’t want to talk to you about this anymore.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Marissa
Customer: Maybe you should just quit your job.
Employee: Maybe you should just shut the fuck up!
–PATH train, 125th St
Overheard by: vegannramember
Conductor: Please step out onto the platform to enter the first five cars… [Couple tries to go through conductor’s booth.] Please step out onto the platform… [Couple keeps trying to open door.] Please step out onto the platform! [Couple tries again.] Step out onto the platform! Oh my god!
–1 train
Conductor to two girls getting off train but lingering on platform: What’s the matter, ladies, you don’t like my traaain?
–6 train stop, 51st & Lex
Conductor on stopped train: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be moving really, really, really, really, really shortly. [Long, resigned sigh] I hope.
–L train
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Bored conductor: Welcome to Times Square, crossroads of the universe.
–7 train
Male conductor: Good morning and God bless. Have a happy Valentine’s Day, especially all you ladies.
–A train
Overheard by: Rita
Conductor: Fordham, this is the Fordham stop. You may exit here, but please, no new passengers are to get on at this stop. Sir, I said no passengers may get on the train… Anyone wearing a brown jacket may not get on at this stop. Sir, you, in the brown jacket. I see you. Yes, you sir, in the brown jacket who just got on the train. Of course I’m talking to you, genius… Thank you. Grand Central, next stop.
–Metro-North
Overheard by: Carol Ann
Little boy: I have the humor of a thousand men.
–LIRR to Huntington
Guy on cell: I said to send flowers to his grave! What? Flowers! Wait. I just lost you for a second. Can you hear me now?
Annoyed passenger: Yes, we fucking can.
–NJ Transit
Girl #1: It’s dangerous to walk and read at the same time, you know!
Girl #2: That’s genius.
Girl #1: It is! I got, like, 125 on an IQ test, you know. I just took it today. I mean, I’m not gonna lie, I had someone helping me.
–PATH train
Overheard by: ryan link
Fat lady elbowing her way onto train: Shit, they need to get some bigger subway cars.
–6 train, 28th St
Wife to hubby, after daughter got up from table: She still has a big ass and thighs, but she’s getting better.
–City Bakery, W 18th St
Overheard by: katherine
Man holding huge burger in small bun: Dude! This is like a fat man in spandex!
–Upper West Side
Blonde rubbing grouchy guy’s head: I’m sorry, baby, but you know how I get around fat people, and those two women were huge! Just disgusting!
–Metro-North
Overheard by: Ryan
Hobo: Anyone have a dollar? Anyone? I’m askin’ because all you ladies are beautiful. I don’t bother with ugly people or fat people! They just have problems. Their wife is cheating on them? It’s my fault! No, I just walk on by all those fat people.
–Brooklyn-bound L train
Overheard by: Colleen
Mom to six-year-old son: Junk food is crap. If you eat it, you will be fat. Like Mommy.
–Central Park
Drunk girl: I think he uses his cancer to be cute.
–Bourgeois Pig, MacDougal St
Freak show barker: I hate cute ventriloquism.
–Outside Coney Island Freak Show
Overheard by: Miss Carrie
Girl, about three-year-old nearby: He’s so cute, I want to kidnap him!
–PATH train
Woman: … And then he pulled out a gun and threatened to kill me. It was so cute.
–Ruby Foo’s, 49th & 8th
Overheard by: Heather
Man to toddler girl: That’s what politicians do. They try to look cute.
–Smith & Union, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
