White People

All Your Base Are Belong to Wednesday One-Liners

Woman who endured rush hour: Wow, what a rush! That was just like Frogger!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Amy D M

Girl watching friend play Frogger: Oh, I remember how to play! You’re supposed to avoid the cars!

–Barcade, Williamsburg

Overheard by: champ

Dude: I’m telling you, I was put on this Earth just to play fuckin’ Tetris.

–W 13th St

Overheard by: Lauren L

Little Dominican boy to classmate: Why you had to tell on me, white boy, version-one-of-Donkey-Kong?!

–PS 8, Washington Heights

Overheard by: Mona

Law student: He’s a good professor, but he doesn’t have that Mortal Kombat instinct. You know — finish him!

–Sammy’s Noodle Shop, 6th Ave

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Alex Trebek Doesn’t Suffer Fools Gladly

Blonde: So, where is she from?
Friend: Croatia.
Blonde: Where’s that?
Friend: It’s, like, by Italy.
Blonde: Ohhh, like Czechoslovakia.
Friend: No, Croatia. Near Bosnia and Serbia.
Blonde: Oh, so it’s like Russia.
Thug: Croatia, bitch! Former Yugoslavia! Remember, they had a civil war and broke up into five countries?
Blonde: [Stares blankly.]Thug: Jesus Christ, study a fuckin’ map. Even Tara Reid knows where it is.

–6 train

Must Be the End-Times

Black woman: Bitch, stop barking. I’ll beat your ass! Say ‘my mother’ one more time, I’ll come over there and beat your ass, cracker!
White woman: Who says ‘cracker’ anymore?

–4 train

Now How Much for Her?

White nerd in monotone: Look, just because I’m a motherfucking P-I-M-P does not give you the right to kiss up on my women.
Black guy: Fool, don’t be trippin’! You ain’t got but one woman, and she’s fat.

–45th & 9th

Which, According to Our Bylaws, I Must Now Give to You

White office guy: When somebody says ‘nigga,’ how do you know if they’re saying ‘nigga’ or ‘nigger’?
Black office guy: That’s easy — ‘nigger’ is followed by an ass-whoopin’.

–Restaurant, Park Ave South

Overheard by: Big Larry

You Say All I Have to Do Is Drink Three Glasses of Butter a Day?

WASP #1: You look so tan!
WASP #2: Oh, no, it’s actually just high blood pressure.
WASP #3: Well, it sure suits you!

–Armory Show

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Really? Who?

White teen: You’ve got a fat ass.
Black teen: Well, your ass has a stupid, scrawny bitch stuck to it.

–Times Square

He Has a Name, Though

White guy: A queer Sikh holding a cigarette like a woman and talking about grenades. Now I’ve seen everything. [Pause.] How was the mocha?
Asian friend: It was delicious, thank you.

–Q46 stop, Union Tpke & Utopia Pkwy

Overheard by: Peter G

And Here We Are on Vacation with… Black People

Man waiting for The Color Purple: We’re the only white people here.
Fellow whitey: No, there’s a white family in line right there with a guy videotaping.

–Outside CBS store

That One Paid the Most

White guy: So, you are an artist now?
Weird-looking JAP: Yeah.
White guy: Weren’t you a musician just a month ago?
Weird-looking JAP: Yes.
White guy: What the fuck is going on?
Weird-looking JAP: I believe in this religion that asks me to experience my life with different professions.
White guy: So, what were you before you were a musician?
Weird-looking JAP: I was homeless.

–Houston & MacDougal

Overheard by: ting

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