Advice

You Won’t Be Laughing When the “Juicy” Diet Takes America by Storm

Drunk black woman #1: No, you gotta put cocoa butter on your legs and drink water. Water keeps your body juicy!
Drunk black woman #2: Jui-cy! Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: That’s right, water keeps you juicy… [Sees young Asian woman smiling at them] Oooh, she know what I’m talkin’ about! She exotic… She an Asian girl.
Drunk black woman #2: Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: Yeahhh… She know what I’m talkin’ about… Oh, shit, it’s our stop… Thank God, because I’m ’bout to squat down somewhere! [Both stagger off train.]

–1 train

Overheard by: amused

God: Word to Both Your Mothers

Gothic underage-looking stripper: Oh my god we have been looking everywhere for stripper shoes!
More underage-looking gothic stripper: Maybe this is God’s way of telling us not to be strippers.

–Macdougal & Bleecker

Overheard by: Zubin

Your Mother Said You’d Be the Last

Little boy, about turnstile: I want to do it!
Father: Okay, but make sure you don’t get decapitated.

–Subway station, Bryant Park

Overheard by: novellas

Presenting: The Worst Sentence Ever Spoken

Brainiac: Maybe AIDS wouldn’t be such a problem in Africa if they’d stop buttfucking each other so much.

–Midtown office

Exactly.

Guy: You can get it at Duane Reade.
Girl: What's that?
Guy: Duane Reade?
Girl: Yeah.

–Varick & Spring

How Little Halle Berry Learned Her Driving Skills

Little girl in car: Dad, slow down! You don't get extra points for hitting pedestrians!
Overly cheerful father: It depends what game you're playing!

–38th & 5th

Scott Baio Is 45…and a Wednesday One-Liner

Man to woman: You wouldn't procreate with Boomer Esiason, even though he's the king of Cincinnati?

–Deli, Canal & Hudson

Overheard by: Uncle Bling

Man on cell: Elvis made ten million dollars last year and he's dead. There's no reason I can't make a thousand.

–Park Slope

Hipster: I like Steve Buscemi a lot more than I like you.

–Life Cafe, Bushwick

Overheard by: D

Woman in Southern accent to man: Look, the McGraw-Hill building. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill must own that building!

–W 49th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Michael

Middle aged white man to friend: I finally figured it out. "Mystikal" sounds like a constipated Samuel L. Jackson.

–LIRR

Ad: With New Baby Puptard, the Girls Will Flock to You!

Guy #1: That’s how you would get a hook-up easy.
Guy #2: Hanging out with a retard?
Guy #1: Everybody, and I mean everybody, knew him. If you hung out with Cooper, you instantly got props or something.
Blonde, laughing: Yeah, that’s all guys need to get girls — puppies, babies or retards.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: MastahD

That's How I Get My Kix

(six-year-old boy tries to cross street against traffic)
Father, grabbing boy's hand: Whoa, little man! That's dangerous!
Six-year-old boy: Daddy, I eat danger for breakfast.

–Ocean & Newkirk, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Well I eat razors and nails.

And the Wet Look Went Out in the 80's

Ditz, talking about shoes: They used to be so white… It makes me sad.
Friend: Try soaking them in soapy water.
Ditz: But then they'd be all wet!

–Central Park

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