Wednesday One-Liners, by Calvin Klein

Girl yelling to friend across street: Hey, guess what? I smelled it! I smelled it from here!

–Fordham University

Blonde on cell: So, I just took my hair down, and all I smelled was Dove and crack.

–JFK

Overheard by: spanky

Man to no one: It smells like my ex-wife in here!

–Highline Ballroom

Hootchie on cell: No joke — it smelled ripe down there. I be all, ‘Jimmy… D-A-M-N! I’m too busy gagging from the smell to gag on your bits.’

–W Broadway

Girl crying on cell to boyfriend: How could you fuck her?! Her pussy stinks!

–Union Square

Overheard by: SplendidConfusion

Thug on cell: Yo, I’m sure she smells better now, bro!

–Harlem Meer, Central Park

Overheard by: mj

Posted on January 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Cleanliness, Cocaine, Fordham, Girls, Gripes, Hootchies, JFK Airport, Manhattan, Men, On Cell, Scents of the City, Sex, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Vagina

Wednesday One-Liners Read Overheard in the Office

Conductor: Are you going to work? Are you going somewhere? Let us know by getting out of train doors.

–R train, Lexington Ave stop

Bartender swinging nipple tassels: Can you believe they wouldn’t let me do this at my old job?!

–Bar, Broadway, between 76th & 77th

Overheard by: Lezbotron

IT guy: I can break whatever I want, because I fix it!

–Office, 45th & 3rd

Overheard by: beans

I-banker to two others: He got the bonus for people that don’t get bonuses.

–Metro-North

Comedy club flyer guy: I hate my job, and it’s all your fault!

–Times Square

30-something hippie at show: 2008 is the year that I get a job.

–New Year’s Eve concert

Overheard by: Smash

Posted on January 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Bartenders, Conductors, Flyer people, Gossip, Gripes, Hippies, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Suits, Theater, Times Square, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Get Their Learn On

Teen to another: Yo, if I pass in June, I’ll only be in high school five years! [Pounds fists with pal.]

–F train

Chick: I used to be a straight-A student until I realized I was just learning how to get A’s.

–Diner, Chelsea

Frat boy: There are still wedgies in Quaker school.

–19th & 5th

Overheard by: Jeff McCrum

Lunching chick: I mean, I only feel sort of responsible for their illiteracy. I am their teacher…

–Dishes Restaurant, 45th St

Overheard by: Literate

Teen: No lie, my nigga — I wrote a perfect essay! I wrote a perfect essay, nigga!

–Marte Valle Prep School, Stanton & Norfolk

Teacher giving tour: Back then it was very difficult to graduate from high school, and it still is, judging from the amount of people who drop out. Although a tree stump could graduate from Saint Ann’s… Okay, no one put that in the school newspaper quotes… Please…

–Chinatown

Posted on January 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Chinatown, Compliments, Education, Elementary & Middle School, Frat Boys, Girls, On the Subway, Restaurants & Cafes, School, School and studying, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Village, Time, Violence

Just Wait ‘Til You Have Wednesday One-Liners of Your Own

Thug dad to toddler after bumping stroller down stairs: I call that there ride ‘The Earthquake.’ You like that? … Well, see, you’re too young to appreciate the magnitude of what just happened.

–A train

Overheard by: Stephie

Ghetto mom to seven-year-old kid: You don’t know how to hustle! You ain’t no hustler, she ain’t no hustler… No hustlin’.

–137th & Broadway

Overheard by: should she be saying that to a 7 year old?

Mom to eight-year-old daughter: This is not about apostrophes! This is about verbal agreement!

–F train at Broadway-Lafayette

Mom to son climbing on ferry railing: You wanna jump? I’ll throw you. Then I ain’t gotta buy you no Power Ranger.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: autumn

Mother to three-year-old trailing behind: Stay close, baby, you know how ferry men like to take little boys.

–Whitehall Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: Ryn

Mom: Boy, don’t you listen? I swear, I will tear your ass up on this bus in front of everyone if you don’t behave. [Kid ignores her, and mom pulls out cell.] Fine, I’ll call Santa on yo’ misbehavin’ ass.

–BX 21 bus

Woman holding child’s hand: You’re my daughter, right? Okay, good.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Nervous

Posted on January 30, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Dads, Family Ties, Ghetto Chicks, Gripes, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Languages, Moms, Nicknames & name calling, On the Bus, On the Subway, Parents, Port Authority, Questions, Staten Island Ferry, Threats, Thugs, Violence

Wednesday One-Liners Join the AARP

Old guy with gray hair: I used to be an old guy with gray hair!

–Mott & Canal St

Overheard by: Will

80-year-old man: What is rough sex? Do I put her against the wall? I don’t know.

–10th & 3rd

Overheard by: Liz

Old lady struggling to get layers of scarves and coats off: I’m not used to having to put clothes on.

–New York Historical Society

Old lady on cell: Old people like sex! I’m 85, and I still like me some sex!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: imerikaf

75-year-old lady to hobo on bench: Oh, wow, you look so cozy!

–Central Park

Old man with cane to 20-ish girl who just nabbed the cab he hailed: Happy holidays, you dumb bitch!

–62nd & 2nd

Old white guy: Fo’ shizzle!

–Outside Nederlander Theatre

Posted on January 30, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Clothing, Comebacks, Hair, Insults, Kink, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, Port Authority, Questions, Sex, The Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Fought the Law and the Law Won

Annoyed white girl: That cop with the flashlight was, like, shining it on my ass! So I was like, ‘Stop! I know my congressional rights, bitch!’

–Bus from Live Earth to Port Authority

Overheard by: Kevin

20-ish guy on cell: Yeah… Yeah, I talked to the cops, too! I told them I would kick her fucking jaw in if I didn’t get my money! Ma… Yeah, Ma, you know I don’t care!

–Thompson St, between W 3rd & Bleecker

Overheard by: The Simian Space Man

Conductor over intercom: Either we can have a peaceful ride uptown, or the police can ride with us. You decide [laughs maniacally].

–2 train

Overheard by: Ladle

[Hippie on bicycle loses concentration and crashes into lamppost.]

Cop in nearby squad car, over loudspeaker: Hahaha! Should’ve been more careful, or what?!

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: Susan Laura

Chick: So, I’m up by Bryant Park, and there are all these cop cars lined up, and then one of them decides, ‘Okay, time to go!’ and he puts his siren on and pulls out, and all the rest of them following, all their sirens going whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop! And then I hear something that sounds like some guy going ‘whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop’ — like, he’s making siren noises — and I turn around, and there’s this cop… I guess the siren on his cop car wasn’t working or something, so he’s on the loudspeaker mic yelling, ‘Whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop!’ as they all zoom off down 42nd Street. It was crazy!

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on January 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Conductors, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Girls, Guys, Idiots, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Bus, On the Subway, The Village, Threats, White People, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are Really Fucking Sorry about Slavery, Okay?

20-ish white girl to friends: Guys, sometimes I just feel like the only white girl in the city…

–Fulton St

Overheard by: other white girls

Hobo peering in from sidewalk: Ain’t nothin’ but white people all up in this motherfucker! This shit is racist, yo!

–Garden of Eden, 107th & Broadway

Overheard by: Bubby

Black girl on cell: He fucked a white girl? He fucked a white girl?! How stupid is he? You know if you fuck a white girl you gotta get her consent and then sign a contract!

–PATH platform

Angry black traveler on cell: Do you know how long it takes me to get to JFK from my place?! I’m surrounded by crackers! I. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Here. Crackers all starin’ at me… I dunno what they’re lookin’ at.

–JFK

Overheard by: Not A Cracker But Staring Anyway

Old white guy at Cirque du Soleil show, to daughter: Is this primarily a white thing? I guess that’s why I don’t like this show. I’ve got too much soul for this.

–Madison Square Garden

Drunk black lesbian: I am not racist in any way. I believe that it’s something that’s taught and passed down from your parents. I am not a racist… but what’s up with white people?!

–D train

Posted on January 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Black People, Drunks, Girls, Gripes, Hobos, JFK Airport, Lesbians, Madison Square Garden, Old People, On Cell, Race, Sex & Relationships, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Theater & Dance, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, White People

I Just Flew in from Wednesday, and Boy, Are My One-Liners Tired!

Flight attendant: Once again, please remain seated until the captain does turn off the ‘Fasten seatbelt’ sign… That includes all passengers in row nine… That includes all passengers wearing a blue polo… Yes, thank you, and have a great day.

–JFK

Pilot: Welcome to JetBlue flight 703 to San Juan… I’m from South Carolina. We do something special there — we let our kids drive at the age of fifteen. I’ve got a 15-year-old son and a 16-year-old daughter, so if you’re thinking of driving to Florida, do me a favor and fly JetBlue — it’s safer than driving through South Carolina, and my car insurance for my daughter last year was 15 hundred dollars, and now I have to add my son, so I really need this job to afford it.

–JFK

Overheard by: alan b hutscar

Flight attendant: … And if you do require anything during this flight, simply press the button located above your head. Do not approach the galley, as it scares the hell out of me and I am not emotionally prepared to handle that today.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Sheffler

Flight attendant: … And be sure that you lock your tray tables and place your seat backs in their least comfortable position for takeoff.

–JFK

Overheard by: Ardbeg78

Pilot: Well, folks, I’m sorry about the delay, but, uh, airplanes are complicated machines, you know? And sometimes they break.

–United flight, JFK

Overheard by: clueless about electronics

Big, jolly black woman about to be frisked at security: You have yo’self a good time!

–JFK

Overheard by: Nancy L.

Posted on January 30, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Cars and Driving, Family Ties, Flight Attendants, Foreplay, Gripes, JFK Airport, LaGuardia Airport, Pilots, Travel, Women

Crotchety Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: You know what I did?! Grabbed my crotch once… Boom!

–Broadway & Prince

Overheard by: amused

Guy: … And then he shoved his crotch in my face and yelled, ‘Does this prove something?!’

–Rare, Bleecker St

Overheard by: Keezles

Blond guy: I had my head in that guy’s crotch so many times today. It was nuts.

–Coral Towers

Overheard by: No Pun Intended

Queer to fag hag: I don’t think he would mind so much that some Asian guy was fondling my crotch as much as he would be worried about the fact that I accepted a ride with a stranger.

–Urban Outfitters, Union Square

Overheard by: Mikey D. Wong

Small, unattended child, singing: Fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch!

–Columbia University

Posted on January 23, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Private Parts, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Who’s Your Wednesday One-Liner?

Rich girl on cell: Three thousand for a one bedroom?! … That’s fine. I’m mad at my dad anyway.

–Q train to Coney Island

Guy to buddy: My father was a virgin the first time he had sex!

–86th & Park

Overheard by: you sure he still isnt?

JAP on cell: No, I’m not texting him back! I was more impressed by his father’s West Village brownstone than the sex we had in it.

–79th & Park

Overheard by: vibrant

Dude: Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? My belly button, thank you!

–Bronx-bound 2 train

Overheard by: Niv

Woman on cell: Ah, but you are the father of many things, just as I am the mother of many things.

–26th & Park Ave South

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Big guy with Puerto Rican flag do-rag and huge stuffed animal, to small child: Don’tchu breaka my big Tweety. You breaka my big Tweety, I kill ju father.

–Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: tommy z

Posted on January 23, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Parents, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

All Wednesday One-Liners