All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Fought the Law and the Law Won

Annoyed white girl: That cop with the flashlight was, like, shining it on my ass! So I was like, ‘Stop! I know my congressional rights, bitch!’

–Bus from Live Earth to Port Authority

Overheard by: Kevin

20-ish guy on cell: Yeah… Yeah, I talked to the cops, too! I told them I would kick her fucking jaw in if I didn’t get my money! Ma… Yeah, Ma, you know I don’t care!

–Thompson St, between W 3rd & Bleecker

Overheard by: The Simian Space Man

Conductor over intercom: Either we can have a peaceful ride uptown, or the police can ride with us. You decide [laughs maniacally].

–2 train

Overheard by: Ladle

[Hippie on bicycle loses concentration and crashes into lamppost.]

Cop in nearby squad car, over loudspeaker: Hahaha! Should’ve been more careful, or what?!

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: Susan Laura

Chick: So, I’m up by Bryant Park, and there are all these cop cars lined up, and then one of them decides, ‘Okay, time to go!’ and he puts his siren on and pulls out, and all the rest of them following, all their sirens going whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop! And then I hear something that sounds like some guy going ‘whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop’ — like, he’s making siren noises — and I turn around, and there’s this cop… I guess the siren on his cop car wasn’t working or something, so he’s on the loudspeaker mic yelling, ‘Whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop!’ as they all zoom off down 42nd Street. It was crazy!

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Wednesday One-Liners Are Really Fucking Sorry about Slavery, Okay?

20-ish white girl to friends: Guys, sometimes I just feel like the only white girl in the city…

–Fulton St

Overheard by: other white girls

Hobo peering in from sidewalk: Ain’t nothin’ but white people all up in this motherfucker! This shit is racist, yo!

–Garden of Eden, 107th & Broadway

Overheard by: Bubby

Black girl on cell: He fucked a white girl? He fucked a white girl?! How stupid is he? You know if you fuck a white girl you gotta get her consent and then sign a contract!

–PATH platform

Angry black traveler on cell: Do you know how long it takes me to get to JFK from my place?! I’m surrounded by crackers! I. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Here. Crackers all starin’ at me… I dunno what they’re lookin’ at.

–JFK

Overheard by: Not A Cracker But Staring Anyway

Old white guy at Cirque du Soleil show, to daughter: Is this primarily a white thing? I guess that’s why I don’t like this show. I’ve got too much soul for this.

–Madison Square Garden

Drunk black lesbian: I am not racist in any way. I believe that it’s something that’s taught and passed down from your parents. I am not a racist… but what’s up with white people?!

–D train

I Just Flew in from Wednesday, and Boy, Are My One-Liners Tired!

Flight attendant: Once again, please remain seated until the captain does turn off the ‘Fasten seatbelt’ sign… That includes all passengers in row nine… That includes all passengers wearing a blue polo… Yes, thank you, and have a great day.

–JFK

Pilot: Welcome to JetBlue flight 703 to San Juan… I’m from South Carolina. We do something special there — we let our kids drive at the age of fifteen. I’ve got a 15-year-old son and a 16-year-old daughter, so if you’re thinking of driving to Florida, do me a favor and fly JetBlue — it’s safer than driving through South Carolina, and my car insurance for my daughter last year was 15 hundred dollars, and now I have to add my son, so I really need this job to afford it.

–JFK

Overheard by: alan b hutscar

Flight attendant: … And if you do require anything during this flight, simply press the button located above your head. Do not approach the galley, as it scares the hell out of me and I am not emotionally prepared to handle that today.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Sheffler

Flight attendant: … And be sure that you lock your tray tables and place your seat backs in their least comfortable position for takeoff.

–JFK

Overheard by: Ardbeg78

Pilot: Well, folks, I’m sorry about the delay, but, uh, airplanes are complicated machines, you know? And sometimes they break.

–United flight, JFK

Overheard by: clueless about electronics

Big, jolly black woman about to be frisked at security: You have yo’self a good time!

–JFK

Overheard by: Nancy L.

Crotchety Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: You know what I did?! Grabbed my crotch once… Boom!

–Broadway & Prince

Overheard by: amused

Guy: … And then he shoved his crotch in my face and yelled, ‘Does this prove something?!’

–Rare, Bleecker St

Overheard by: Keezles

Blond guy: I had my head in that guy’s crotch so many times today. It was nuts.

–Coral Towers

Overheard by: No Pun Intended

Queer to fag hag: I don’t think he would mind so much that some Asian guy was fondling my crotch as much as he would be worried about the fact that I accepted a ride with a stranger.

–Urban Outfitters, Union Square

Overheard by: Mikey D. Wong

Small, unattended child, singing: Fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch!

–Columbia University

Who’s Your Wednesday One-Liner?

Rich girl on cell: Three thousand for a one bedroom?! … That’s fine. I’m mad at my dad anyway.

–Q train to Coney Island

Guy to buddy: My father was a virgin the first time he had sex!

–86th & Park

Overheard by: you sure he still isnt?

JAP on cell: No, I’m not texting him back! I was more impressed by his father’s West Village brownstone than the sex we had in it.

–79th & Park

Overheard by: vibrant

Dude: Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? My belly button, thank you!

–Bronx-bound 2 train

Overheard by: Niv

Woman on cell: Ah, but you are the father of many things, just as I am the mother of many things.

–26th & Park Ave South

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Big guy with Puerto Rican flag do-rag and huge stuffed animal, to small child: Don’tchu breaka my big Tweety. You breaka my big Tweety, I kill ju father.

–Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: tommy z

Wednesday One-Liners Blame It on the Dog

Clerk: A fart is just a preview of your shit.

–Urban Outfitters dressing room, 6th Ave

Overheard by: NYMD

Frat boy: When she put the six pineapples in her twat, none of us thought she was gonna be able to do it. And then when she farted, there was a cucumber up her butt!

–3rd St, between Ave A & Ave B

Overheard by: Margaret Cho’s Little Sister

Fart noise occurs twice.

Woman sheepishly looking into purse, to crowd: My kid put that ringtone on my cell, and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

–109th & 3rd

Guy running out of school: Oh, thank God — thank you, Lord! Thank you so much! [Lets out immense fart.] Christ, I’ve been holding that in since lunch!

–Outside Bard High School Early College, East Houston St

Girl on cell: You know when you have to fart really bad, but you can’t because, y’know, you might shart? That’s me right now. That’s me.

–9th & Broadway

Gassy man: I hope people are enjoying the warmth from my fart!

–Times Square

Just the Nicest Wednesday One-Liners You’d Ever Hope to Find

Dude: You really are a nice guy, and it’s a good thing you’re such a nice guy, because if you weren’t, you’d totally be an asshole.

–Lobby of Le Parker Meridien

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl: Oh my god, she’s so nice. She’s a chiropractor and a stripper!

–F train stop, Park Slope

Guy on cell: Yeah, it was nice. I had a real nice time… Yup, she was cremated.

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: kdice

Guy on cell: I know! I know! It’s like getting laid! It’s like getting laid! I mean, like, you’re having a nice dinner, you have a nice wine, but like, is she gonna drop her skirt? You can’t tell yet if she’s gonna drop her skirt!

–Outside Grand Central

Overheard by: Sarah

20-ish girl to friend: Thank you! You’re such a nice person. Except when you’re hungry.

–23rd & 7th

Skanktacular Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: It’s like that saying, you know? ‘The pot calling the kettle a slut.’

–W 63rd St

Overheard by: JustVisiting

Woman to table of people: … Although I’m pretty sure it says ‘slut’ in my medical file…

–Rolf’s, 22nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Ladle

JAP: You can’t put a price on casual sex.

–110th & Broadway

Female employee on break, to man: I’m what’s called a nymphomaniac. I’ll do it anywhere — on the bus, the train, in the bathroom, in Chick-Fil-A…

–NYU dining hall

Chick on cell: So yeah — now I have to see this guy on Monday and work with him. I never work with him, but the minute I bone him, now I get to work with him. It’s like the walk of shame drawn out for days… Hey, I can’t help it if this keeps happening to me… I guess I need to not get drunk and screw my coworkers.

–89th & Columbus

Overheard by: Lala

College girl to friends: I guess you could say it was a friends with benefits sort of thing, except that we only slept together.

–Columbus Circle subway exit

Overheard by: confused by the definition

Mellow, Yellow Wednesday One-Liners

Queer to another: It’s okay to pee on people. Either you do it or you don’t, and I’ve done it a lot.

–L train

Stumbling drunk girl to friends: All I was thinking was, ‘Oh, God, I hope he doesn’t pee on me!’

–Mott & Bayard St

Chick: I wish I could pee standing up. If I could pee standing up, I would pee out this window. Did you ever wonder where this door goes? It’s like the door to a secret land or something!

–Education building, NYU

Middle-aged guy: I used to pee on the floor just to get attention!

–Lincoln Center

Girl: Can you hold this while I… release my urine?

–The Met

Watch Where You’re Sticking Your Wednesday One-Liner

Woman to another: Yeah, that’s true, but she has a huge uterus anyway.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: Will Couchon

Black lady: I had to shut his throat and it was all [violent gurgling noises].

–Varick & King St

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

NYU blonde to friend: I wish I was made of pixels… But cells are sorta like pixels, right? So yay, I am!

–D train

Overheard by: keeeem

Flyer guy: Here you go, sexy! [Brunette ignores him and keeps walking.] I’ll take you home and bite you! I’ll bite a nice big chunk out of your thigh!

–Broadway & Liberty

Overheard by: ouch ouch

White girl: Ow, my face! I mean my head! I mean my arm…

–Bard High School Early College

Overheard by: jules

Grungy middle-aged man: I’m picking my nose! I’m picking my nose!

–St. Mark’s & 3rd Ave

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