Tourist on cell: So, what do you want me to bring you back from NYC? A fake Louis Vuitton bag? Or fake Chanel perfume?
–57th & 7th
Bimbette: I just don’t have the energy to have a fake conversation.
–LIRR
Overheard by: tired
Large black man laughing to self: They thought I was a fake doughnut.
–1 train
Overheard by: Craig
Offended girl: Look at this fake snow! It mocks us! Fuck you, fake snow!
–Houston & Bowery
Overheard by: In complete agreement
Handsome suit: He can totally clean my gutters anytime. He’s got the whole package.
–Exiting Sheraton hotel, 7th Ave
Suit on cell: It’s when someone urinates on you…
–19th & 7th
Overheard by: Golden Slumbers
Suit: No one ever wants any of my gum. It’s not poisoned! I might put something in your drink at a bar, though.
–A train
Overheard by: emilyc
Suit to another: That’s because all you eat is fully-cooked, non-contaminated food. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it…
–24th & 6th
Overheard by: Angi
Suit holding sexual harassment pamphlet, to HR department: I have conquered sexual harassment!
–102nd St
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Old man on cell: Oh, God, I was drunk out of my mind. I was drunk, drunk, drunk… Yeah, I was so drunk I don’t even remember being arrested. I woke up and I was like, ‘Where the fuck am I?’
–Washington Square Park
Buff black guy to small black guy: Maybe you should go to jail to get your weight up.
–153rd & Edgecombe
Overheard by: DaHustler
Guy on bench to friend: There is no way you’re not going to jail tonight.
–Outside Whole Foods
Overheard by: Big Apple repeat offender – just visiting
Tough guy on cell: Man, what are you worried about? So what if they brought you in? It’s not assault if you didn’t use a weapon, right?
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Chicagoan in NY for first time
Guy on cell: That would have been worse! Then I would have been resisting arrest at a black tie event!
–35th St, between 8th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Jason
20-ish guy to friends: Talk about sweat — I never swat so much in my life!
–Bleecker & MacDougal
Blonde: I’m not a naysayer! I’m not! I’m a yes-sayer… An ambiguous answer-sayer…
–Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Bimbette: Oh my god, I was dramatized! I couldn’t even look at him.
–Staten Island Ferry
Suit: I just walked into Barnes and Nizzle to take a wizzle.
–Barnes & Noble, 22nd St
Guy to friend: If the Yankees win the first two, it’ll be a swept.
–Rockefeller Center
Paint department clerk to customer: Do you want interior or outerior?
–Home Depot, Brooklyn
Supermarket cashier: I was actually valedictorian in high school, and I wore four-inch heels to graduation. And surprise, surprise — I falled.
–Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Crackhead singing to another: You don’t bring me flowerrrs anymorrre.
–Starbucks, W 4th & Grove
Drunk guy crossing street: No touching, ladies… I’m saving myself for divorce. [Sings] Iii’m saving myself for divorrrce!
–36th & Broadway
Conductor: Next stop, New York, New York. [Singing] New York, New York, oh what a beautiful city — New York, New York! [Speaking normally] Penn Station is next, folks.
–NJ Transit
Man running down subway stairwell, singing: At least it’s snowing!
–79th & Broadway
Overheard by: it wasn’t snowing
Girl, singing: I love tweeeed!
–Century 21
Man on bus, singing: I want a vagina for Christmas.
–92nd & 3rd
Brunette, singing: You put the sushi in your coochie and you turn yourself around — that’s what it’s all about!
–Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
Girl yelling to friend across street: Hey, guess what? I smelled it! I smelled it from here!
–Fordham University
Blonde on cell: So, I just took my hair down, and all I smelled was Dove and crack.
–JFK
Overheard by: spanky
Man to no one: It smells like my ex-wife in here!
–Highline Ballroom
Hootchie on cell: No joke — it smelled ripe down there. I be all, ‘Jimmy… D-A-M-N! I’m too busy gagging from the smell to gag on your bits.’
–W Broadway
Girl crying on cell to boyfriend: How could you fuck her?! Her pussy stinks!
–Union Square
Overheard by: SplendidConfusion
Thug on cell: Yo, I’m sure she smells better now, bro!
–Harlem Meer, Central Park
Overheard by: mj
Conductor: Are you going to work? Are you going somewhere? Let us know by getting out of train doors.
–R train, Lexington Ave stop
Bartender swinging nipple tassels: Can you believe they wouldn’t let me do this at my old job?!
–Bar, Broadway, between 76th & 77th
Overheard by: Lezbotron
IT guy: I can break whatever I want, because I fix it!
–Office, 45th & 3rd
Overheard by: beans
I-banker to two others: He got the bonus for people that don’t get bonuses.
–Metro-North
Comedy club flyer guy: I hate my job, and it’s all your fault!
–Times Square
30-something hippie at show: 2008 is the year that I get a job.
–New Year’s Eve concert
Overheard by: Smash
Teen to another: Yo, if I pass in June, I’ll only be in high school five years! [Pounds fists with pal.]
–F train
Chick: I used to be a straight-A student until I realized I was just learning how to get A’s.
–Diner, Chelsea
Frat boy: There are still wedgies in Quaker school.
–19th & 5th
Overheard by: Jeff McCrum
Lunching chick: I mean, I only feel sort of responsible for their illiteracy. I am their teacher…
–Dishes Restaurant, 45th St
Overheard by: Literate
Teen: No lie, my nigga — I wrote a perfect essay! I wrote a perfect essay, nigga!
–Marte Valle Prep School, Stanton & Norfolk
Teacher giving tour: Back then it was very difficult to graduate from high school, and it still is, judging from the amount of people who drop out. Although a tree stump could graduate from Saint Ann’s… Okay, no one put that in the school newspaper quotes… Please…
–Chinatown
Thug dad to toddler after bumping stroller down stairs: I call that there ride ‘The Earthquake.’ You like that? … Well, see, you’re too young to appreciate the magnitude of what just happened.
–A train
Overheard by: Stephie
Ghetto mom to seven-year-old kid: You don’t know how to hustle! You ain’t no hustler, she ain’t no hustler… No hustlin’.
–137th & Broadway
Overheard by: should she be saying that to a 7 year old?
Mom to eight-year-old daughter: This is not about apostrophes! This is about verbal agreement!
–F train at Broadway-Lafayette
Mom to son climbing on ferry railing: You wanna jump? I’ll throw you. Then I ain’t gotta buy you no Power Ranger.
–Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: autumn
Mother to three-year-old trailing behind: Stay close, baby, you know how ferry men like to take little boys.
–Whitehall Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: Ryn
Mom: Boy, don’t you listen? I swear, I will tear your ass up on this bus in front of everyone if you don’t behave. [Kid ignores her, and mom pulls out cell.] Fine, I’ll call Santa on yo’ misbehavin’ ass.
–BX 21 bus
Woman holding child’s hand: You’re my daughter, right? Okay, good.
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Nervous
Old guy with gray hair: I used to be an old guy with gray hair!
–Mott & Canal St
Overheard by: Will
80-year-old man: What is rough sex? Do I put her against the wall? I don’t know.
–10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Liz
Old lady struggling to get layers of scarves and coats off: I’m not used to having to put clothes on.
–New York Historical Society
Old lady on cell: Old people like sex! I’m 85, and I still like me some sex!
–Port Authority
Overheard by: imerikaf
75-year-old lady to hobo on bench: Oh, wow, you look so cozy!
–Central Park
Old man with cane to 20-ish girl who just nabbed the cab he hailed: Happy holidays, you dumb bitch!
–62nd & 2nd
Old white guy: Fo’ shizzle!
–Outside Nederlander Theatre
