Black People

Wednesday One-Liners Are Eating Cat Food

Newspaper hawker: Close your umbrellas, people! You’re inside! You’re going to poke somebody’s eye out! Then they gonna sue you! Then you gonna be broke! Then you gonna throw yourself down the escalator!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Brawd

Black guy on cell: Niggas with no money are contagious!

–7 train platform, 74th & Broadway

Overheard by: Robyn Z

Flight attendant: Welcome to New York where the local time is 4:37. We know that you have a choice in selecting your air travel, and on behalf of the pilot and the crew I’d like to thank you for choosing our bankrupt airline.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Ldartjoy

Man on cell: There’s nothing worse than a poor snob.

–115th & Broadway, outside Columbia University

Hobo: Don’t anyone wanna donate to the broke-ass foundation?

–Houston St

Overheard by: Has been helped by that organization

One Wonders Why He Doesn’t Simply Represent Himself

Young black guy #1: Being a lawyer is a no-brain job. They don’t have to know nothing about nothing. Just stand there.
Young black guy #2: Yeah, but I’d like to be a lawyer. I don’t want to go to court or nothing, just have the title.
Young black guy #1: Most lawyers are worse than the criminals they defend.
Young black guy #2: So, what’s happening with your case?
Young black guy #1: It’s getting dismissed, or I’m pleading guilty or something.
Young black guy #2: Yeah?
Young black guy #1: God rest Johnnie Cochran’s soul.

–Food Court, Concourse Plaza, Bronx

Overheard by: Lawyer

That's Your Answer to Everything!

White guy: Hey, you wouldn't happen to have any sunscreen by any chance, would you?
Friend: I'm black.

–12th St & 8th Ave

It's Even Hard for Grownups to Grasp

Obese black woman, explaining 9/11 to seven-year-old daughter: We talk about this every day, honey. The ending's not gonna change.
Daughter: They put up the flag up after? Didn't it get dirty?
Obese black woman: Well, they kinda had more important things to deal with. They didn't have a washing machine there.

–R Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

At Least She’s Reading

Ghetto chick: Excuse me! Excuse me! What’s the name of the towers that got knocked down?
Incredulous passerby: Umm . . . The World Trade Center.
Ghetto chick to thug boyfriend: See! I told you it wasn’t none of that twin towers. You thinking of Lord of the Rings.

–Vesey St

Wednesday One-Liners for Celebretards

Young black guy to another: You know, Obama is to politics what Richard Simmons is to exercise.

–PATH Train

Guy standing outside bar: And she was like, "What, like Gary Coleman?" and I'm like, "No, not like fucking Gary Coleman!"

–4th & 10th

Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green only had one testicle. It's totally fine.

–E 11th St

Overheard by: j

Suit on cell: And I was like, "Fuck you, Ryan Cabrera"!

–Bedford & 6th St

Black girl on cell: I told you, we're like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.

–Borders, Wall St

Overheard by: step

Guy (after taking picture with Jeremy Piven): Damn! I can't put this on MySpace. I'm wearing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!

–Outside Barrymore Theatre

Overheard by: Pasta…Salad

Too Late!

African American emo guy to friends: I don't know if this is derogatory or not, but I was thinking of inventing pussy in a can. For those droughts, ya know?

–Lafayette St & W 4th

Nothing Says Healthy Relationship Like Self-Loathing

Jamaican girl: You know what I think about a lot? I think I must have been white in my past life, but I must have done something really, really horrible to get stuck in this black body.
Boyfriend: Jeez, you do think about that a lot.
Jamaican girl: Oh, not 90 percent of the time. Just 10 percent.

–Subway to Archer Ave

Overheard by: Just a girl

It Ain’t Racism Unless It’s Gratuitous

Urban Man #1: Man, I can’t stand these black folks movin’ into our neighborhoods, man!
Urban Man #2: You’re black.
Urban Man #1: Pygmies an’ flapjacks!!

–Malcom X and MLK Blvds.

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners

Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch.

–Mail room, Financial District

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Overheard by: Eyeteeth

Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl.

–6 train

Overheard by: fridaholic

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