Black People

Wednesday One-Liners for Celebretards

Young black guy to another: You know, Obama is to politics what Richard Simmons is to exercise.

–PATH Train

Guy standing outside bar: And she was like, "What, like Gary Coleman?" and I'm like, "No, not like fucking Gary Coleman!"

–4th & 10th

Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green only had one testicle. It's totally fine.

–E 11th St

Overheard by: j

Suit on cell: And I was like, "Fuck you, Ryan Cabrera"!

–Bedford & 6th St

Black girl on cell: I told you, we're like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.

–Borders, Wall St

Overheard by: step

Guy (after taking picture with Jeremy Piven): Damn! I can't put this on MySpace. I'm wearing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!

–Outside Barrymore Theatre

Overheard by: Pasta…Salad

Too Late!

African American emo guy to friends: I don't know if this is derogatory or not, but I was thinking of inventing pussy in a can. For those droughts, ya know?

–Lafayette St & W 4th

Nothing Says Healthy Relationship Like Self-Loathing

Jamaican girl: You know what I think about a lot? I think I must have been white in my past life, but I must have done something really, really horrible to get stuck in this black body.
Boyfriend: Jeez, you do think about that a lot.
Jamaican girl: Oh, not 90 percent of the time. Just 10 percent.

–Subway to Archer Ave

Overheard by: Just a girl

It Ain’t Racism Unless It’s Gratuitous

Urban Man #1: Man, I can’t stand these black folks movin’ into our neighborhoods, man!
Urban Man #2: You’re black.
Urban Man #1: Pygmies an’ flapjacks!!

–Malcom X and MLK Blvds.

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners

Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch.

–Mail room, Financial District

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Overheard by: Eyeteeth

Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl.

–6 train

Overheard by: fridaholic

Because the Temptations Are Too Great

A buppie is parking his BMW, blasting a ’50s rock ‘n roll tune out the window.

Thug: Why a nigga wanna be listenin’ to that shit?

–Brooklyn Heights

We Heart New York, Now More Than Ever

Black dude, yelling: I suck dick! I suck dick! I suck dick!
Brassy white chick walking past: Whatta you want, a medal? I suck dick too.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Or Gay — I Forget

Weary black lady squinting at bag of meds: Could you read this to me?
Young white guy: It says, ‘Add two drops to each eye twice a day.’
Weary black lady: Thanks. You married?
Young white guy: Uh, yeah.

–Duane Reade, 23rd & 6th

The Ghetto Will Never Get Over Learning the Word “Disrespectful” in the Early ’90s

Young ghetto girl: Mister, will you get that bag out of my face? That bag is in my face!
Asian man: It’s not in your face! It’s far away. Far away.
Young ghetto girl: Man, you disrespectful. That’s so disrespectful. I’ll slap the shit out of you.

–A train

Overheard by: jcm

It Affects All Races in a Similar Fashion

Black girl: Girl, you tell a nigga you wanna give him pussy and it, like– He go outrageous!
Friend: Mmm-hm.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: M-City

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