Just Hold It Like It’s a Dead Raccoon

Joking clerk to bitter man holding wife’s purse: Nice purse.
Man: Thanks. It came free with the relationship and subsequent castration.

–Fashion Ave

Overheard by: I think it was Dior

Posted on June 3, 2015
Comebacks, Fashion, Men, Relationships, Store, Vendors & Street Performers, Violence

It’s Official: Dark Sarcasm is Over

Industrial guy: Do you guys like noise?
Hipster guy #1: Um…no, I’m really into organized sound.
Hipster guy #2: Yeah, I’m really getting into silence…like that.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Jeremy Valeda

Hipster guy #1: I’m trying to get a caffeine buzz going.
Hipster guy #2: Why don’t you just think about the impending blackness that will eventually envelope us all…That should keep you awake.

–Knitting Factory, Leonard Street

Posted on June 3, 2015
Advice, Coffee, Comebacks, Music, Philosophy, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Someone’s Getting the Teeth Tonight

Girl: … And then I was like–
Guy, exhausted after 10 minutes of her chattering: –Are you on your knees?
Girl: What? No.
Guy: Then shut your mouth.

–A train

Overheard by: thinking the same

Posted on June 2, 2015
Comebacks, Couples, On the Subway

Not Since I Went on Oprah and Tried to Speak

Comedy pimp: You guys like comedy? Wanna see a comedy show?
College guy: Sorry, I don’t usually.
Comedy pimp: Talk to black people?
College guy: Have my sentences finished by black people?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand

Posted on May 30, 2015
Black People, Comebacks, Flyer people, Guys, Offers and requests, Race, Students, Theater & Dance, Times Square

She Can’t Afford Not To

Hippie #1: Girl, I think it might be beneficial for me to go to therapy.
Hippie #2: Oh, you should go to the girl my friend uses — it’s only 20 bucks a session!
Hippie #1: Then why does she still cut herself?

–E 60th & Madison

Posted on May 29, 2015
Advice, Comebacks, Girls, Hippies, Money & Class, Psychology, Questions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Kyle Gets Payback for Mom's Gaydar Remark

Five-year-old boy: I have nipples! Look! I have nipples!
Mother: Yes, you do.
Five-year-old boy: I have breasts!
Mother: No, boys don't have breasts.
Five-year-old boy: Neither do you!

–Old Navy, Chelsea

Posted on May 21, 2015
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Comebacks, Gender issues, Kids, Moms, Nipples, Parents, Physical appearance, Rack, Should've Used a Condom, Store

Raise Your Hand If This Quote Makes You Miss Sophia Petrillo

Elderly woman #1: Don't step in the shit.
Elderly woman #2: I never step in shit, I'm too smart for that.
Elderly woman #1: You're not too smart for that.

–11th St & 1st Ave