Every Night, I Pray for More Wednesday One-Liners

Disgruntled MTA worker, to no one in particular: See? I don't like human beings all that much. I like animals, they mo' fo' real. (venomously) Y'all better be glad I'm not god.

–6 Train

30-something white guy to friends: I live in Mesopotamia, 'cause the gods are gangsta!

–W 83rd & Columbus Ave

Older MTA worker, comforting young passenger: GPS: Guidance, patience, strength. Give it over to god. Trust that motherfucker is going to handle it. Give me GPS and I can handle the rest!

–Union Square Subway Stop

Bag lady, drenched in rain: The joke's on you, god!

–9th St & University Place

20-something guy on phone: So then she tells me the reason my dad died is because god was trying to hurt me!

–Union Square

Overheard by: talker's remorse

30-something: I mean…he's a good looking guy, but then he found god.

–39th St

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Bag ladies, Beauty, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Death, Friends, Gadgets, God, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Physical appearance, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wiggers

Wednesday One-Liners Are Older, but No Wiser

Crotchety old Jewish lady, passing Palm Sunday parade: Easter is for amateurs.

–W 72nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Naomi Choy Smith

Little old lady looking down steep basement stairway: Wow…I wouldn't want to be drunk going down those stairs!

–Broome & Essex

Old guy: I'm going out for a smoke. If you see someone take this jacket, shoot to kill.

–Starbucks

Old man with beard, hunched over walker, watching couple holding hands: You two been doin' the nasty, ain't ya?

–27th & Broadway

Old black lady in wheelchair: I mean, what was he gonna do with a dead body?

–Bowery

Overheard by: Lauren

Very old man to another, in thick New York accent: Ya gotta take it…and put it on ya rectum like this. (demonstrates with hand gesture)

–53rd St & 10th Ave

Elderly gentleman to another: From now on, you will obey me!

–Carnegie Hall

Posted on June 10, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Death, Drinking & Drunk People, Guys, Jews, Judaism, Lower East Side, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Old People, One-liners, Questions, Relationships, Shoot, Smoking, Starbucks, Theater, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wheelbos, Wishes & desires, Women

Walt Disney Personified It and Formed an Empire. Start There.

Irritated: And what exactly am I supposed to do with a dead rat?
Medicated: (shrugs)

–53th & 8th

Posted on June 6, 2009
Animals & Nature, Death, Friends, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions

Personal Experience

Seven-year-old boy: Will I meet my goldfish in heaven someday?
Mother: I don't know anything about what happens to goldfish when they die, but I can tell you that there is no god.

–Bleecker & MacDougal

Posted on June 6, 2009
Death, God, Kids, Moms, Parents, Questions, The Village, We Love Our Pets

Men Of the Cloth Call That Crucifiction

Reverend: God was too big to die. So he lives, and so it's an empty cross.
Child: (asks unheard question)
Reverend: Well, you could use them against vampires too.

–First Presbyterian Church, 5th Ave

Posted on June 5, 2009
Death, Jesus, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Preachers, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

Your Editors Believe Nothing Stops New Yorkers from Talking

Girl, looking at strawberry marshmallows: We could play chubby bunny with those.
Guy #1: Huh?
Girl: That's where you count how many marshmallows you shove in your mouth before you can't talk anymore.
Guy #2: People have died doing that.
Girl: Yeah, but probably only the dumb ones.

–8th Ave

Overheard by: IQ Test is Shoving Them in Your Mouth Anyway

Posted on June 4, 2009
Body Parts, Death, Food, Girls, Guys, Street, Stupidity

Joke's on You– She's a Cyborg!

Front row student: Well, I am certain that my mom will always be there when I need her.
Professor: You mean she will always be there (pause) until she dies, which we are all certain of.

–Lecutre, NYU

Posted on May 29, 2009
Comebacks, Death, NYU, Parents, Students, Teachers/Professors

Are You Washed in the Wednesday One-Liners Of Jesus?

Teenage girl: My mom is always reminding me to lock my door because you got to worry about the bloods and the clots.

–Uptown 2 Train

Emo chick: So he goes to this party and he does it with this old guy. He pretty much went home with a bloody butthole.

–Roseland Ballroom

Overheard by: charlotte

Suit on cell: Never in my life have I seen that much blood in the trunk of a car.

–82nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Karyn

Small Asian girl to large drag queen: So then he, like, bit off his tongue and nearly bled to death. (long pause) Or maybe I was just high.

–Elevator, Brooklyn

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Asshole, Backdoor, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Celebrations/Parties, Death, Drag queens, Drugs, Elevators, Girls, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Street, Suits, Teens, Theater, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners

Frankly, I Don't Give a Dam.

Girl drafting floor plan: I've decided I'm going to open a funeral parlor that's sleek, modern and sophisticated. Someplace that doesn't look like your grandma just died there.
Female British classmate: That's awesome. My big idea is to start a protection service for lesbians.
Girl drafting floor plan: Like, security?
Female British classmate: No. Like, safe sex?

–Interior Design Class, FIT

Posted on May 9, 2009
Brits, Classroom, College, Death, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, School and studying, Sex, Students

Live the Stereotype.

Gay man: Oh my god, look!
Gayer man: What? That dead baby or those shoes?
Gay man: Yeah, the shoes.

–48th & Broadway

Overheard by: Shane

Posted on May 4, 2009
Babies, Death, Gays and Lesbians, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Queer guys, Questions, Shoes, Weirdness

Death