Twig #1: I was feeling like a fatty, so I just ate a hard-boiled egg with some flaxseed this morning.
Twig #2: No, I’m a fatty! Was it ground flaxseed?
Twig #1: Of course!
Twig #2: Good girl!
–Starbucks, 114th & Broadway
Twig #1: I was feeling like a fatty, so I just ate a hard-boiled egg with some flaxseed this morning.
Twig #2: No, I’m a fatty! Was it ground flaxseed?
Twig #1: Of course!
Twig #2: Good girl!
–Starbucks, 114th & Broadway
Chick: … And I’ve been so tired.
Dude: Maybe you should eat more.
Chick: Well, I have been drinking water.
–Post office, 52nd St
Overheard by: what what
Girl #1: Every time we go out she’s all like, ‘I need a boyfriend sooo bad!’ And all she does is bitch about how she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Well, it’s like, ‘Of course you don’t have a boyfriend — maybe if your blubber didn’t hang down over your jeans some guy would want you.’ No guy wants to mount a beached whale… Well, unless they’re into that kind of thing…
Girl #2: I know the perfect guy.
Girl #1: I bet he’s real hot.
–Columbia University
Woman on cell: Well, we have a large problem — his thing is very small…
–Outside Papaya Dog, W 4th
Overheard by: notrob
Professor: So, you have all seen large penises and small penises, but you never see a fatty penis! [Class laughs.] Is that a ‘Yes, that is true’ laugh, or what?
–Columbia University Med Center
Female theater-goer: His penis would have been normal-sized if he was five-foot-six. As it was, everything was out of proportion.
–Golden Theater
Overheard by: Colleen
Drunk man with imaginary cup: Excuse me, sorry for doing this — I’m not shy, I just have a small penis, and I’d really appreciate some money for a penis enlargement surgery. And if not money, then a sandwich. A BLT or a larger cock. Thank you. I just want a larger cock.
–2 train
Overheard by: Man with the big penis
Lady: Do I look fat in this dress?
Bystander: Yeah, you do. What? We were all thinking it!
–71 Continental Ave station
Overheard by: Kirby J
Queer: If I just go home and not to the gym tonight, I’ll just get fatter.
Fag hag: I thought you said you don’t have any food at your apartment.
Queer: Regardless — fat will find a way.
–E 59th & 5th
Overheard by: Joel
Mother to lady behind her: I mean, I’m not going to eat one, but like, I don’t know — it’s Starbucks! They have those coffees that are just, like, so fucking good. I’m here to get one of those mocha chip things that are, like, totally 600 calories, but I mean, why would someone not have one of them? They are, like, so totally good. I mean, what — are you supposed to be like a fucking stick [holds up pinky]? I mean, I work out for, like, three hours a day so I can have one of these. I’m a mother of two young kids. I look so good, right?! I cook my own cupcakes, so, I mean, I def would never eat one from Starbucks. They just sit there all day. Ew, gross. I make my own cupcakes with applesauce, of course, because you know, my kids shouldn’t be fat because of me. Right? But like, I don’t understand why people wouldn’t have a mocha chip latte or whatever the fuck they’re called. I mean, it is why people work out, right?
Lady behind her: Um, maybe?
–Starbucks, 27th & 6th
Big latina: I want to get to the gym more often.
Bigger latina: Yeah, I need to get around to that, too.
Big latina: The problem is, though, my man tells me he don’t want to go to the gym. He said he likes my weight right now and I shouldn’t lose any.
Bigger latina: He right.
–Dunkin’ Donuts, Queens
Fat chick to fatter chick: You know, I just can’t eat as much as I used to.
–Cold Stone Creamery, W 42nd St
Overheard by: Kilroy
Big lady: Sit? Nah, I’m fine standin’. These people have been workin’ hard all day, they don’t need no big fat lady sittin’ next to them. If some big fat lady sat next to me, I’d be mad as a bitch.
–F train
Overheard by: Alex And Ra
Queer to another: Honey, with all the food you’ve been eating recently you don’t even need a coat.
–20th & 8th, Chelsea
Dude: I’m too fat to be seen with her.
–C train, between 23rd & 34th
Overheard by: bwarren.com
Father to 10-year-old son: She likes ziti, french fries, pizza, and cake? Do you know what she’s going to be in high school? Fat. Never date a girl that likes to eat more than two things. First rule in life.
–Gennaro restaurant
Overheard by: Aislinn
JAP: I have nothing against Australians or anything — I even made out with a few the other night — but I am not going to Outback.
–Spring St
Overheard by: Jason
JAP on cell: And I was like, ‘Have you been in the new building yet?’ And he was like, ‘I know, it’s a maze.’ And I was like, ‘Oh my god, you Abreve, too?!’ And he was like, ‘Um, no… I mean, like, a… maze.’
–Bryant Park
JAP to chihuahua trying to pee on sidewalk: Focus! Focus!
–79th & Broadway
Overheard by: Lisa
20-something JAP on cell: Did you call Dr. Stein* for me? Why not?! … But I don’t want to call him! Why can’t you just call him for me? I’m not calling him! … But my asshole is still bleeding!
–Duane Reade, Chambers & Broadway
JAP on cell: So, I met up with him, and he asked me if I was anorexic! I was like, ‘No, but thanks for noticing!’ He got all mad, though. I think his sister died of anorexia or something. Whatever, at least I know I look great.
–88th & Park
Overheard by: Vicksburg
