Girl looking at ad for Flight of the Conchords: I have family in New Zealand.
Boy: What the fuck is wrong with your family? They’re, like, all over the place.
Girl: Well, they’re rich.
Boy: But you’re not. [Pause, then] We should kill them.
–B train, Church Ave
Overheard by: Kris N.
Little girl: I’m annoying, right? I’m annoying you, right Tío?
Uncle: Yes, you’re annoying.
–6 train
Hobo: Yo! Where you girls from?
White teen girl: Your mom.
Hobo: Whoa, nigga, that’s crazy.
–Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Cface
British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.
–1 train
Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!
–Bronx Science engineering class
Overheard by: LSB
Suit on cell: Why isn’t it done? Why isn’t it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?
–41st & Broadway
Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.
–1 train
Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.
–Mulberry St
Overheard by: Ashley
Teen chick on cell: I’m going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I’m going to cut it off! Yes! I’m going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you… Yes! I! Am! Well, I can’t think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: still recovering
Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Oh My God
Girl: Didn’t your mother ever teach you if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say a fucking thing?
Guy: Um…
Girl: You’re such a dick! God, what a motherfucker.
–1 train
Little sis: I don’t know. I’m just really confused. Like, how am I supposed to know what I want in a guy? You know? Like, what’s your perfect guy?
Big sis: One with 6 weeks to live.
Little sis: Huh?
Big sis: Nevermind… God, that would be great, though.
–1 train platform, 23rd St
Girl #1: Actually, my mom ran into your grandmother the other day near here.
Girl #2: Oh, really? Was my grandmother nice to her or was she a raving bitch?
Girl #1: Oh. I don’t know.
–7th & Christopher
Dude #1: So I was, like, having intercourse with my girlfriend’s mom, and my girlfriend came home and caught us.
Dude #2: That happened to me before.
–D train
Overheard by: Ed
Girl #1: My grandma is coming into the city Saturday to bleach my cat.
Girl #2: Bleach your cat?
Girl #1: Yeah, he got into the flowers and the pollen turned him canary yellow.
Girl #2: Bleach your cat?
Girl #1: Well, it didn’t come off in the bath…
–82nd & Madison
Friend: So, what did you do last night, Amy?
Woman: Well, I kicked my husband off the bed so I could sleep with my daughter and Fluffy. Men are so overrated.
–5th & Madison
Overheard by: Tjay
