Wednesday One-Linerbation

Big old lady yelling at MTA employee: Of course they're not coming! They're too busy fucking! Masturbating! Eating donuts!

–53rd & Lexington Subway Station

Girl to friend: Oh my god, he does things to me that make masturbation seem like bland oatmeal!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: TheOneThatGotAway

Teen to friend: Seriously, if I was a guy for a day, all I'd do is piss standing up and masturbate.

–Queens Center Food Court

Guy on cell: Dude, if I didn't jerk off a couple times a day I'm pretty sure I'd be a serial rapist.

–Penn Station

Short nerdy businessman to another: I didn't know I was going out with her when I beat off.

–15th St & 9th St

Overheard by: Spicoli

Blond scruffy short man on headset: Do you really think girls would go for that? You think a girl would, for a chance to win $500, watch me masturbate?

–R Train

Posted on May 4, 2015
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Dating, Food, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Masturbation, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Nerds, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Pee, Penn Station, Queens, Rape, Sex, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Worst. Hustler. Ever.

Guy to vendor: You got free water? Lemme get some water.
Vendor: No.
Guy: What about napkins? Lemme get some napkins.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Beavis

Posted on May 4, 2015
Cleanliness, Drinks, Free stuff!, Guys, Offers and requests, Vendors & Street Performers, Washington Square Park

It Depends on What’s Hot This Season

Man #1: I don’t want black shoes. They get too hot in the summer.
Man #2: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. How much surface area of your shoes actually faces the sun?

–Office, East 45th Street

Overheard by: l.k.

Posted on May 2, 2015
Fashion, Guys, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Office, Shopping, Stupidity

Read These Wednesday One-Liners to Induce Vomiting

Guy: Once I told my friend Ivan that I like to eat my scabs, and he said he did too, so we ate each other scabs.

–Park Slope

Ugly drunk girl: Sometimes I pick people's noses. (pause) Usually nothing comes out!

–LIRR, Huntington Line

Overheard by: I <3 Commuters Black guy on cell: Then I put KY all over her pussy, yo, and she wanted to spoon that shit up and eat it!

–Lafayette St

Man to family: Well, I've got to assume he's getting sick anyway, judging by the snot I just saw.

–Grand Central Station

Male law student: That's the good thing. You can scratch all day and it won't spread.

–Fordham Law School

20-something receptionist: Urp! I think I just coughed up a fetus. I better Lysol the phone.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: BrooklynBorn

Posted on May 2, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Cleanliness, Clerks, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Excretions, Families, Food, Fordham, Friendship, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Sex, Store, Students, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Support a Woman's Right to Shoes

Dude looking at girl shoes: If I were a chick I'd wear the ugliest shoes, I swear.

–5th Ave

Woman on phone call with son's teacher: I know he's in the big boy group, but if you see he put his shoes on the wrong feet again, could you just let him know, please?

–57th St & Madison

Four-year-old girl: My toes are in my shoes!

–Bus

Overheard by: vcstr

Girl, with pride: I can't get laid in this town without these pointy fucking shoes. My feet are so black and blue, and so are you!

–F Train

Overheard by: Ofelia Hiney

Gay guy to friend: Oh, c'mon, at its best, The Wizard of Oz is just a story about two women fighting over a pair of shoes.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Paul N.

Posted on May 1, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Bus, Colors, Education, Elementary & Middle School, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Movies, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Queer guys, Sex, Shoes, Street, Teachers/Professors, Times Square, Wednesday One-Liners

Since I Went Into the Bathroom and Adjusted

Columbia guy #1: Dude, how’s your Gestalt?
Columbia guy #2: My Gestalt is in an excellent place right now.

–Dining Hall, Barnard College

Posted on April 30, 2015
Columbia (& Barnard), Default, Guys, Questions, Students, Weirdness, Words

Not Smart Enough to Appreciate Us, for Example

Guy: I don’t know — I think she intellectualizes everything, and she uses big vocabulary words, but that doesn’t make her smart, you know?
Girl: Yeah, totally.

–W 4th & Morton

Overheard by: Duncan

Posted on April 30, 2015
Default, Education, Gossip, Gripes, Guys, West Village

Now What About the Statute of Librarians?

Guy with thick accent: Where you get off to the Walton Center?
NY chick: The what?
Guy with thick accent: The Walton Center.
NY chick: Do you know what street it's on?
Guy with thick accent: No, no. You know, the Walton Center.
NY chick: I'm sorry, I don't know where that is.
Guy with thick accent: The Walton Center! The buildings, they fall, they fall!
NY chick: You mean the World Trade Center?
Guy with thick accent: Yes!
NY chick: Fulton Street and fuck you.

–Uptown 5 Train

Posted on April 30, 2015
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Compare/Contrast, Default, Directions, Girls, Guys, Insults, Language Barrier, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity, Words

Down to Literally Eating the Bark Off a Tree

Scraggly teen boy: Are you still a vegan?
Scraggly teen girl: Yeah, I’m still a vegan, except I ate a cinnamon roll today. But, you know, it happens.

–1/9 train

Overheard by: Amanda Nazario

Posted on April 29, 2015
Diet/Weight, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, On the Subway, Teens, Vegetarian & Vegan

Better Not Make Her My Happy Place

Girl yuppie: Isn’t it crazy how rapidly presidents age over eight years?
Guy yuppie: Oh I know, all the stress.
Girl yuppie: If Hil wins president, she’s gonna be a hot mess.
Guy yuppie: She’ll look like Margaret Thatcher after three months!

–Metro North

Overheard by: Sromeo

Posted on April 29, 2015
Age/Aging, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Guys, History & Geography, Physical appearance, President, Questions, Trains Not Subway, Yuppies

Guys