Tales from Wednesday One-Liners’ Crypt

Man on cell: What are you, some sort of reverse vampire?

–C train

Dude: And there were unicorns exploding in the background… or at least doing whatever it is unicorns do.

–Live Bait, 23rd St

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chick: You kind of look like a vampire in this picture. But a cool vampire! Like, if you were in The Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland would totally want to have sex with you.

–55th & 6th

Overheard by: wants to have sex with Kiefer Sutherland

Drunk hobo chuckling: You people look depressed! I know how to cheer you up. I’ll sing my favorite song! ‘Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead…’ [Looks around] Hmmm… [Notices the train going express] What the…? I need a new mathematician! I need a new mathematician!

–6 train making express stops on a surprise basis

Overheard by: Barry Negrin

Sax-wielding hobo: I am an alien! From outer space! Not from Mexico!

–L train

Overheard by: Alex P. Keaton

Ricky’s employee: Looks like I’m all out in the fairy department.

–58th & Broadway

Mom: Johnny, put down the sword. Vampires don’t use weapons. Their teeth are their weapons.

–Halloween shop, 8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Posted on December 6, 2006
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cashiers, Drunks, Global Geography, Hobos, Holidays, Innuendo, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Singing, Store, The Village, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

A Fellini Film

Hobo to unconscious friend: Yo man, let’s get some coke! I don’t be playing, let’s get some coke! [Two minutes later] Psssh, ain’t no such thing as a good kid. All them fucked up. Yo man, you look like Barry White. Anyone ever tell you that? [No response.] Stupid. [Reaches into his plastic bag and pulls out a clown mask which he puts over his face.]

–LIRR waiting area

Overheard by: pretending my train just arrived

Posted on November 26, 2006
About Celebrities, Cocaine, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Druggies, Hobos, Offers and requests, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness

During the Taping of the Next Real World

Prep #1: I can’t believe he cheated on her! That sucks!
Prep #2: I know. It sucks so bad, it’s practically ridiculous. I can’t think of anything worse than that.
Hobo: I can! The Holocaust!

–42nd and Broadway

Posted on November 16, 2006
Hobos, Infidelity, Preppies, Teens, Times Square

She Was One of the People on the Laugh Track in Natural Born Killers

Hipster chick: Do you think New Yorkers are mean, or are we just so jaded we’re not fazed by anything?
Hipster dude: I think it’s a combination of both.
Hipster chick: Because, well, my friend just found out he has testicular cancer, and he’s getting one of his balls removed on his birthday. And I thought that was hilarious. You know what else? Maybe New Yorkers are also whores — I seriously considered sleeping with him just so I could say I was the last person to see his left ball.
Hipster dude: That’s a bit soulless. But it’s also a little funny.
Hipster chick: See, really, if you think about it in the right way, everything is funny.
Hobo: You’re just a mean whore.

–Bedford & 6th St

Overheard by: Overheard in New York is based on that very concept

Posted on November 16, 2006
Balls, Birthdays, Cancer, Hipsters, Hobos, Insults, NYC Geography, Only in New York, Sex, The Village

Finally, A Quote With A Happy Ending!

Hobo: I need you to stop here. I need to get off and wash my pants. There has been a sexual release in my pants!

–Lenox Ave bus

Headline by: Dan

Runners-Up:

· “And That’s Why I Was Late” – chronically tardy

· “Bussed a Nut – Crosstown Excitement Goes A Block Too Far” – Matt G.

· “Dishonorable Discharge” – Jim C.

· “Economically and socially disenfranchized people say the darndest things” – Emma

· “MTA’s new “Request-a-Stop” and handjob feature” – Jobee

· “Marvin Gaye’s retarded half-brother” – Mary Beth Hanlon

· “Meanwhile, at the auditions for ‘Speed III'” – shawn doney

· “Milton Misses Yet Another Meeting of Premature Ejaculators Anonymous” – Tom Ediger

· “Never ask a hobo if he’s coming or going.” – LadyP

· “Premature embarkation” – mdub

· “Second Thought, Let’s Go For Two” – Martin Frazee

· “Senator Foley just isn’t the same when he’s not IMing” – oye

· “The Man On The Bus Goes Rub, Rub, Ooops…” – Sam Nassar

· “Why the 6 is never on schedule” – Rionn Fears Malechem

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on November 13, 2006
Cleanliness, Getting Off, Headline Contest Winners, Hobos, On the Bus

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Permit for That

Woman: So he wakes up trippin’ in the middle of the night, telling me to go get him a gun.

–Queens Blvd & 82nd Ave, Queens

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Conductor: This is an express train. Express. Express. Express. No Fordham, no Bronx. Express, express, express. Well…I wanna shoot myself!

–Metro North train

Overheard by: Jeff

Man: Hey baby, nice body … Get fat and I’ll shoot ya.

–Classon Ave & Lafayette Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: sheila

Hobo: My grandma isn’t here anymore to send me to the store to buy her a Colt 45, but I can still love Jesus!

–Uptown 3 train

Overheard by: jane shields

Ghetto guy: Man, my boy just got shot!

–Stanton St & Orchard St

Overheard by: Kris

Thug: A gun? You gotta shoot that bitch with a crossbow.

–L train, Lorimer Ave

Posted on November 8, 2006
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Assholes, Brooklyn, Conductors, Hobos, On the Subway, Queens, Shoot, Threats, Thugs

Funny how ‘Bitch’ Is Worse than Mother Sex

Hobo: Fuck you, you shits, you fucking assholes. I’m going to fucking kill you! Fuck you! Fuck you bitches! Fuck you and your mothers!
Queer #1: Oh no. No you did not just call me a bitch. You crazy homeless fuck.
Queer # 2: Mhm, get sassy on this bitch. Bitch deserves to be homeless. He should just shut his mouth and keep it movin’.

–Sheridan Square