Marriage

Like my sister.

Man: I am concerned about breeding.
Friend: Breeding?!
Man: Yeah, you know — Jews are pretty inbred. I’m probably going to have kids with three fingers or something. I should have married someone into running — big and athletic.

–Central Park Reservoir

Headline by: Brooklyn Twang

Runners-Up:
· “But Jews Do Run. They Run Everything.” – Rottin’ in Denmark
· “Instead Of That Gimp Cousin Of Mine” – Uberjim
· “The E in EHarmony Stands for Eugenics” – quazarfreez
· “The Final Solution 2.0” – Scott Gresham
· “They’re Called Germans: But They May Not Be So Into That…” – Caitorade
· “You Know, Someone Who Could Win a “Master Race”” – Mike T

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

There's Nothing Sexier Than the C-Word

Five-year-old boy at young nanny as they wait in line: Mimi? You're the “c” word.
Mimi, looking shocked: The “c” word? What do you mean?
Five-year-old boy: You know… C-e-x-y. Will you marry me?

–Checkout Line, Columbus Circle Whole Foods

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Just Keep the Veil Down and Hope for the Best

Harried-looking maid of honor: You make the most beautiful blushing bride!
Bridezilla: I'm not blushing! I have rosacea!

–Ladies Room, Tavern On The Green

Overheard by: Really was blushing…

Sorry, but My Heart Belongs to an HIV-Positive Junkie Musician

Drunk hobo to punk chick: Hey, where you goin sexy?
Punk chick: Fuck off.
Drunk hobo: I'm gonna fuckin marry you, you just watch, I'm gonna fuckin marry you!

–St Mark's & 2nd Ave

Wednesday One-Linezillas

Teenage bride-to-be on cell: …yeah. But, no, I’m totally ready to walk across the aisle.

–Target, South Bronx

Overheard by: so this is the bronx

Suit: You expect me to spend the rest of my life with only one woman? One woman? One godforsaken woman?

–42nd St & Madison

Hula hoop guy to tourist couple: Sir! I’ll show you! You don’t have to do it, but hula hoops have saved a lot of marriages!

–Washington Square Park

Old woman to imaginary friend: I’d make a great wife, mothafucka!

–F train

Overheard by: Trying Not to Laugh

Girl: Can I do your brother at one of your weddings?

–Monitor St, Brooklyn

Young woman on cell: Well yeah, but he didn’t sleep with your bridesmaids.

–82nd & Lex

Man on cell: Ok, fine! You want to get married?

–Upper West Side

JDate Just Crashed

Hobo: Hey baby, will you marry me? Wanna get married?
Girl: No thanks.
Hobo: Will if you won’t marry me, will you at least go on a date?
Girl: I guess I’d be paying.

–Astor Place

Wait ’til He’s Strung Out and Call the Preacher — It’s That Simple!

Chick #1: Who am I kidding? I don’t even have anyone to marry.
Chick #2: That’s why you should come to Mona’s and meet a nice drug addict.

–Sbarro, 49th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ellen

Why Open-Bar Weddings Exist

Girl: Are you going to Natalie and Ben's wedding?
Guy: Yeah, I guess. I just hate going to weddings that I don't have faith in.

–5th & 6th

And on Your Left— Wednesday One-Liners!

Kid to another: And then, when you're 45, we can be tour guides.

–West Village

Overheard by: of bugle be uncouth

Tour guide: This tour will be in English, we have tour pamphlets in several other languages. If you are a non English speaking passenger, this announcement is of no use to you.

–Circle Line Harbor Lights Cruise

Overheard by: Trixie

Overexcited bespectacled tour guide leader to group of uninterested parents: So! That's the great thing, you know, about this school, is that it's not just you. It's the city, and the students, and the people, and the tourists, and… (starts to run out of things to say) the homeless people, and the squirrels… and pigeons! So, you see, it's not ever just you!

–Bobst Library, NYU

Tour guide on bus: Now over here we have Trump Towers. Donald is not in the building today, as he is out of country awaiting the birth of his next wife.

–Trump Towers

Hobo Fun

Touchingly Humorous Bum: Yo, what are you doing in my house? You assholes! You don’t knock, you don’t wipe your feet. You’re so rude. I’m just kidding. I’m not even homeless. I don’t want to go home to my wife. She’s 380 pounds. I gotta work full time and beg in my time off just to feed the bitch.

–A Train

Overheard by: Tibbie X

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