News

Every Little Wednesday One-Liner Helps

Crazy hobo to passing Fordham students: Y’all crazy motherfuckers pay 40 grand a year to get a damn education. Y’all don’t need no education. Pay 40 grand to get me food! Hell, I’ll take four dollars! Look at me — I got no education, and I turned out just fine.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: one of those mothafuckers

Wheelbo: I don’t care what they say, I promise you I’ll pay you back.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: MBS

Hobo: I need money for alcohol, drugs, and a hooker… Hey, at least I’m not bullshitting you.

–35th & 4th

Hobo, as girl nearby drops her Vogue: Oh, no! Somebody dropped their Torah!

–E train

Hobo, to passing suit: Hey, asshole, why don’t you get a job like everyone else, and stop taking my money?!

–34th & 8th

Wednesday One-Liners Go to the Liberry

Teen boy: Yeah, I read the audio book.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Sarah

Chick: My life has really changed since moving to New York. Like, in L.A. I use to read Us Weekly, and now I read The New Yorker.

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: Aileen

UWS mom to hippie college son: Darling, I’ve decided we must get this book because it feels really quite wonderful. [Customers gawk.] I know it sounds weird, but the way a book feels means a lot, and this one feels good. Oh, and I like the cover.

–The Strand

Overheard by: losaida lois

Literary agent: God, I’m so sick of domestic violence memoirs. I just want to go beat the crap out of them.

–W 35th St

Lit professor: Reading Ulysses for the first time, like other life experiences we have for the first time, is not quite as pleasurable as we might have hoped it would be. However, unlike other life experiences we have for the first time, reading Ulysses lasts much, much longer.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: amelia

Reparations Are a Lot Cheaper Than They Used to Be

Old black man #1: I’m gonna go get a Post.
Old black man #2: A brotha reading the Post? Oh, man…
Old black man #1: Man, it’s only 25 cents. And it’s got page six!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Jill

Headline by: Dave

Runners-Up:

· “Hahaha…wait…black people? READING?” – pants

· “I always sleep under that one” – Mike B

· “Judge me not by the color of my skin but by the content of my paper” – nyinsf

· “That’s the quilted page” – N. A. Cargo


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

It’s a Hell of a Town

Man: Excuse me, I noticed you were looking at the Times. Here, you can have mine. I don’t think I’ll get around to reading it today.
Woman, hugging man lovingly: Thank you.

–Astor Place station

Overheard by: reggae

Dad Won’t Even Let Me Wear Little Shorts and Talk Funny

Old woman: Did you just come from school?
Little girl: No.
Dad: We just came from the zoo.
Old woman: Oh, the zoo! Did you like it? Did you hear about that crocodile hunter? I thought that was just awful. Playing with crocodiles and all, you don’t do that, do you?
Little girl: No.

–Downtown 6 train

Overheard by: katie caroline

I’m Still Waiting

Woman: I know. Haven’t they figured out yet that if you hang around The Nation long enough, you’ll get hired?
Man: They hire anyone.

–elevator, The Nation building

The Literacy is 50% Off Too

Nancy Bass: I’m pleased to welcome David Foster Wallace to our store. Recently, in the New York Times, renowned reviewer Ma…cocoa… Kaku…chooni…?

Thereupon David Foster Wallace gave the thumbs up.

–The Strand

That’s So Last Year

Suit: So my Dad just got back from New Orleans.
Girl: Wow; did he say it was like a disaster down there?
Suit: No, he said it was like a fucking flood went through there, idiot.

–Times Square shuttle

They’d Love This at Metropolitan Diary

Man #1: Hey, did you hear they’re remaking The Poseidon Adventure?
Man #2: Really? Are they going to get anyone from the original? Is Shelley Winters in it?
Man #3: Yeah. She plays the boat.

–Film Forum, Houston Street

Overheard by: JP

I’m Thankful That I’m Free

AM New York guy: AM New York!
Metro guy: Metro New York!
Guy #3: Free donuts!
AM New York guy: AM New York, Metro New York, free donuts, all at Penn Station, New York!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Jenny Lichtenwalner

Daily News guy: Hey baby, free Daily News. Hey baby, take my paper and you’ll be satisfied…Yo baby, you take that paper and you keep looking that fine. Shake what God gave ya baby, and read my paper!

–Jamaica

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